Fug File: SIGH

Fugnessa L. Willfugs

Because she was so deliciously campy on Ugly Betty, I’m psyched that Vanessa ” The ‘L’ Stands For ‘Lord, I Can’t Believe That Other Chick Got To Use Our Name’” Williams is joining Desperate Housewives. Right now Eva Longoria is flying the sass flag on her own and she could really use the help.

Whether she’s going to get it from a woman in baggy coveralls is another story. It’s hard to be a vibrant force of piquant cheek when you’re playing a baggage handler at a private air strip.

AFugda Turner

French actress Afida Turner, a.k.a. Lesly Mess, is apparently Tina Turner’s daughter-in-law. And in the grand tradition of People Who Go To Cannes And Get Naked Because Nothing Else Has Really Worked Yet, Afida decided to prove that she is indeed living in the Nutbush City Limits, if you get my drift.

Her earrings are closer to where her boobs should be than her bra is. And I don’t fault her body for that. Everyone knows strapless bras are the work of the devil. Oh, sure, they sound like an amazing trick of science, and they can trick you into willingly leaving the house thinking you have hit the jackpot of invisible, harness-free support, but NO, they just drift, drift, drift down your torso until you realize too late that your underwire is at the bottom of your ribcage and your bra is about to become a belt. Most women discover this in private, thanks to the miracle of fabric that covers their bits and pieces, called “clothes”; alas, Afira here, so sure her proud Mary has kept on burning, will not be so lucky. Let’s at least hope she doesn’t get fed up and do what I did the last time a strapless bra failed me: remove the bra and shove it in her purse. Not least because she’s not carrying one, and if she thinks THIS is an actual outfit, then I shudder to think what she might consider a viable handbag substitute.
And in case you were curious about the back, it is NSFW:

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On The Way Fug

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

AUDRINA: So, here we are. Totally dating.
AUDRINA: It’s so… great. We’re really happy. See my smile? It’s there. And happy.
RYAN: That’s RIIIIIIGHT. Drink it in, America.
AUDRINA: I mean, YOU might see a guy in a douchehawk and James Spader’s wardrobe from Pretty In Pink crossed with something a circus ringmaster would wear…
RYAN: These pants are the JAM, fools. And also the COLOR of jam. SNAP.
AUDRINA:… but I see, um, you know, happy. Even though I am more famous than he is, I am still with him because, you know, it’s…. he’s so… Hey, would anyone like to just admire the shiny, shiny lotion I used on my legs, instead? No?
RYAN: A contract is a a contract, A-Pat! LOVE ME UP.
AUDRINA: Can I have a headache?
RYAN: Not more than twice a week, per item ten, paragraph B, subsection iii. 
AUDRINA. Damn. I mean, yay!

Amber Fugse

Every time I see these sunglasses on Amber Rose, I think someone has put a piece of tape over her eyes.

In retrospect, I sort of wish they’d put it over mine.

MTV European Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis

When I first saw this photo, I thought, “I guess that’s sort of an interesting cocktail dress Leona is wearing.”

And then. AND THEN:

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FugFug, Fug Fug, Gossip Fug

Well, this didn’t take long. Ms. Momsen extracted a compliment from the jaws of doom yesterday, but later on at the same event, she ditched that dress in favor of something a little more typically Taylor:

With the candles and the curtains and the thigh-highs and the sheer bits, she fully looks like she’s inviting you to the back room for a lap dance. For which you would be arrested, BECAUSE SHE IS SIXTEEN OH MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES IS SHE GOING TO GIVE ME THIS SAME ANEURYSM CHILD PLEASE YOU ARE TURNING ME INTO A SHRILL OLD HARPY I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP PLAYING COURTNEY LOVE AND HOLY CATS I HAVE GOT TO HAVE A DIET COKE IN THE NEXT TWENTY SECONDS.

Twenty-five seconds later…

Well. Even Diet Coke didn’t help. I think I need a 12-step group to cope with her pathological need to skip out on her youth. Sweetpea, trust me, you will miss that when it’s gone. Don’t try to be in your twenties now, because then you’ll be in your thirties when you’re actually 20, and although I have had a great run in that decade so far, I am pretty sure I would love another ten years in my twenties to do better moisturizing. So please don’t grow up so fast.