Fug File: Revenge

Fug the Show: Revenge Recap, Season 3, Episode 17


Note:  Do I even know what’s happening in this show anymore? NOT REALLY. And that’s why I’m going to keep the actual recap so very short:

1) Olivier Martinez used to date Victoria and he had something to do with Aidan’s father’s role in the whole David Clarke thing because every human on the face of the earth is connected to this. (PS Aidan’s back because why not.) Emily does a LOT of desperate stuff to try to get on his good side — throwing a giant party for his charity and putting it on Daniel’s black AmEx (that part was kind of great), skulking around in tight dresses — and I am not really sure why she even needs to be on his good side? Regardless, Olivier Martinez is ride or die for Victoria Grayson (aren’t we all) and does not fall for any of Emily’s actually really patently obvious attempts to….do whatever she thinks having him on her side will accomplish. And he and Victoria hook up, to which I say: GOOD FOR YOU, VICKY.

2) Daniel: no one cares.

3) Charlotte: NO ONE CARES.

4) Nolan: You will soon see.

5) Margaux and Jack: Margaux continues to be the best person on this show, with the best outfits and the best accessories, all of which you will see in the slideshow. She gets offered a job in Rome and is all kind of Lauren Conrad about it because she doesn’t want to leave Jack and Jack is all, “don’t be cray,” and I am all, “SELL THAT CURSED BAR AND MOVE TO ROME WITH HER YOU IDIOT.” Nolan will visit and everyone else SUCKS. Arrivederci, you beautiful fools!

6) Conrad is either still in love with Stevie, who wears something TERRIBLE that I can’t wait to show you, or is in total asshat mode, but he talks her into giving back the deed to Grayson Manor, which is real dum on Stevie’s part. I am also really sad that I didn’t get to see poor Victoria living in an Oakwoods long-term rental situation and plotting her revenge.

To the outfits!

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Fug the Show: Revenge Recap, Season 3 Episode 16


Okay, we need to talk about the opening VOs for this show and how RIDICULOUS AND INSANE they are now. A hundred years ago, I recapped the last seasons of The X-Files on Television Without Pity: Original Flavor. And if you too watched TXF, you also know that whenever Chris Carter wrote an episode, they would almost always begin with what I once called “The Traditional Ponderous Scully Monologue,” where it was just words that sound pretty but which, if, say, you were to transcribe them, you would quickly realize mean NOTHING. EVERY OPENING VO ON THIS SHOW IS LIKE THAT. Also a hundred years ago, I recapped a season of Big Brother on which there was a contestant who basically made zero sense at all, so I started just putting nonsense words in her mouth, like, I don’t know, “headphone hydrangea flatbread pizza.”  The opening voiceover on Revenge is like what you’d get if Chris Carter and a Big Brother contestant had a baby and it’s BAD. Anyway. So was this episode. Maybe I’ll just import that X-Files recap instead. It’s the episode where Mulder starts an email to Scully all, “Dearest Dana,” like, I AM SO SURE. GOD.

ANYWAY. This episode literally includes a five minute scene where Jack doesn’t understand how to read files.

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Fug the Show: Revenge recap, season 3, episode 15


How is it possible for a show where a dude drowns the brain fog out of his ex-girlfriend is SO BORING? Also: apparently, Stevie Grayson only brought one outfit to the Hamptons, and Justin Huntley takes his shirt off and then peaces out. Sigh. NOW what am I supposed to be living for?

 

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Fug the Show: Revenge recap, season 3, episode 14


Guess what’s boring? This show. Even though our protagonist has a mysterious brain fog and Gail O’Grady is, frankly, awesome. At least Nolan wore a shirt covered in puppies?

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Fug the Show: Revenge recap, episode 3-13


In which people wear a lot of red, because they’re out for BLOOD, and Daniel correctly uses a three-syllable word, and the show gets a little bit better actually. And I substitute for Jessica due to boring workload reasons. Don’t worry. Like a REVENGE Terminator, she’ll be back.

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Fug the Show: Revenge, episode 3-12 recap


This show is frustrating.  There are moments in it which are genuinely juicy and effective, it’s just that they’re surrounded by OTHER moments that are so dumb they make my face hurt.

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