Fug File: plaid

Desperate Housefugs

In case you were wondering what Jesse Metcalf looks like now:

The answer is: Lumberjack + douchebag + hat model.


Fugler Momsen

When I found this image, the photographer’s caption said something like, “Taylor Momsen makes a surprise appearance” at whatever Sephora event this is. But it neglected to mention which PART of Taylor threatened to make the most surprising arrival of all.

On most people, that shirt would be used as a poncho rather than as the ENTIRE outfit. I don’t even care that her shoes are veering toward being a very fancy kind of orthopedic brace, because her shirtcho was freaking me out so badly during the 10 minutes in which I thought it was a dress. My unholy research has concluded, however, that I may detect in there somewhere the fringe from a pair of denim cutoffs, which unfortunately are SO
cut off that they’re basically denim
panties, and now my nethers are so upset that they’re threatening to go on strike unless I take a vacation.

Also, let me tell you, nothing feels ickier than feeling like it’s your job to stare at the XOXO of a teenager to try and figure out what, exactly, you’re seeing dangling there. I almost reported myself to the authorities.


Fuglycat Dolls

I never understood why everyone flipped out about Kate Gosselin’s haircut. Yes, it’s not great, but it’s also not the first of its kind. Posh Spice did it long before the reverse-mullet was even a glint in Kate’s eye, and even Kimberly Wyatt — who I know is of The Pussycat Dolls only because that’s what the Internet keeps insisting — beat her to it.

Hopefully this is not an ongoing pattern for them wherein Kate picks up their messy thirds. Because we all know Posh has gone pantsless before, and sure enough, here comes Kimmy:

[Photo: Splash News]

That’s not a shirt. That’s two flannel pillowcases pinned together at the shoulders. I’ve seen infants in more full-coverage outfits, and half of their ensembles involve the word “Pampers.” Please, Kate Gosselin, do not pick up this cue from your hair twin. I already accidentally saw paparazzi photos of you flashing your underwear; I do not need any more of you (or your odious ex) in my life.

But, back to Kimberly Wyatt: Based on the facial expression of the woman behind her, I have a sneaking suspicion that Kimberly here is using those tights as trousers, espousing the tragic “you can’t spell ‘panty hose’ without ‘pants’” school of thought. Let’s take a look-see:
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Fug Another Day

Heather and I just admitted to each other that we were both literally unable to accept the fact that Rosamund Pike here is wearing….knickers.

We were like, “that’s totally a skirt, right? Like, an UGLY, UGLY skirt?” But, no. These are instead the ugliest harem pants ever created by human hands. In fact, I think they might have been created by INHUMAN hands. Yes, that’s right. I just floated the theory that Satan spends his spare time kicking back down in Hell, stitching wee pieces of picnic tablecloth to diaphanous white material, and cackling about the retina-searing, soul-inflaming, leg-havoc they will unleash on any weak mortal foolish enough to don them, and the accompanying horror that will wash over any innocent bystanders to said donning. AND APPARENTLY HE WAS RIGHT.

The rest of this is terrible too, but I can’t really see it all that well. SINCE I’M BLIND NOW. 


The Beautiful Fug

So, I’ve got this theory. I firmly believe that everyone needs to have what I call their Get a Grip Friend. This is the person who loves you enough to grab you when you’ve gone off the rails – over a boy, or a work nemesis, or your raging cocaine habit — and shake and you and say, “HONEY. GET A GRIP.” Mischa Barton, I am beginning to suspect, does not have that friend in her life:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Look. I have residual love left for her if only for that one scene in The OC where she freaks out at Julie Cooper-Nichol and throws all their patio furniture in the pool. So I’ll do it, you guys. SOMEONE HAS TO. This girl needs a hand from a (semi) loving friend.



Fug Gardens

What is going on with Drew Barrymore?

[Photo: Splash News]

Seriously. I don’t even know what to say about this thing. Did you ever see the Friends episode where Chandler decides not to be so sarcastic (or something), and thus he is constantly being confronted with moments that are perfectly set up for snide comments, and he is essentially reduced to clapping his hand over his mouth? That’s how I feel looking at this, except my hand is clapped over my mouth to keep the nonsense in, because this get-up has provoked SO MANY varied responses to me that my only reaction is gibberish. I mean it. Two minutes ago, I basically wrote, “SLANKET grunge 90s TIME TRAVEL SACK scarf hair TOGA picnic drunk.”

Okay, so that basically covers it, right?


Better Played, Spencer Grammer

There’s something awfully refreshing about an actress recycling stuff from her wardrobe, like any regular girl would — clearly, Spencer Grammer loves this blazer, and those are her favorite black pumps because maybe they’re the only ones she has that don’t give her blisters, or maybe she didn’t get a pedicure and everything else in her closet has an open toe, and so she took both items out on the town again two days after wearing them at an ABC Family event:

And on the whole, I think I prefer this outfit to the too-tight, semi-unflattering shorts. Don’t get me wrong: Girlfriend still probably needs a stylist. This is not Singles, and she is not Bridget Fonda, and so it doesn’t matter how many hats she wears — Matt Dillon still is not going to show up and say “gesundheit” to her in an elevator. But if you mentally remove the hat, she goes back to being a cute girl with a dress she probably got at Urban Outfitters, but which isn’t warm enough or doesn’t cover her bra straps entirely and so she needs to cover her shoulders with a blazer. We’ve probably all been that girl in some form or another, except for a) the guys reading this, or b) the people who don’t shop specifically at Urban Outfitters because we don’t all want to spend $68 on some random plaid thing we probably could’ve picked up at The Gap for $29.99. In other words: Spencer seems refreshingly normal for a girl whose dad probably could buy her the entire contents of Saks, but maybe for her birthday he should give her a personal shopper.

So in all, on her report card I’d give her good marks for improving upon her original deployment of these pieces, but I would note that Spencer is a bright girl who still needs to apply herself a bit harder.