Fug File: plaid

Olympic Ice Dancing: Fab and Fabber

LET’S DO THIS! First, a housekeeping note: Please don’t think I am ignoring the US ice dancers. We covered most of their costumes (which are basically the same this go-round, add or subtract a few spangles) back in January. I embrace them all in all their sparkling glory. In fact, I embrace them so much that I already embraced them. So let’s tackle a selection of our international ice-dancing friends instead!

These two are brother and sister. NEED I SAY MORE? I know Sinead and John Kerr’s original dance routine was based on some weird concept of, like, tacky American truckers or something — seriously, that’s really what it was about, more or less — but need they bring the creepy inbreeding stereotype that occasionally attaches itself to those of us of Southern heritage into it? WE’RE NOT ALL MARRYING OUR COUSINS. THAT WAS JUST AN EPISODE OF THE X-FILES. (This message brought to you by my relatives in Arkansas.) And, yes, that IS a tramp stamp you’re seeing. I admit, I don’t know if it’s real, or part of the costume, and nor do I know which would alarm me more. Let’s get a better look at her!
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The Fugty

Well, I guess we know where Olivia Palermo will be working next season on The City:

An Upper East Side Cracker Barrel.

Desperate Housefugs

In case you were wondering what Jesse Metcalf looks like now:

The answer is: Lumberjack + douchebag + hat model.


Fugler Momsen

When I found this image, the photographer’s caption said something like, “Taylor Momsen makes a surprise appearance” at whatever Sephora event this is. But it neglected to mention which PART of Taylor threatened to make the most surprising arrival of all.

On most people, that shirt would be used as a poncho rather than as the ENTIRE outfit. I don’t even care that her shoes are veering toward being a very fancy kind of orthopedic brace, because her shirtcho was freaking me out so badly during the 10 minutes in which I thought it was a dress. My unholy research has concluded, however, that I may detect in there somewhere the fringe from a pair of denim cutoffs, which unfortunately are SO
cut off that they’re basically denim
panties, and now my nethers are so upset that they’re threatening to go on strike unless I take a vacation.

Also, let me tell you, nothing feels ickier than feeling like it’s your job to stare at the XOXO of a teenager to try and figure out what, exactly, you’re seeing dangling there. I almost reported myself to the authorities.


Fuglycat Dolls

I never understood why everyone flipped out about Kate Gosselin’s haircut. Yes, it’s not great, but it’s also not the first of its kind. Posh Spice did it long before the reverse-mullet was even a glint in Kate’s eye, and even Kimberly Wyatt — who I know is of The Pussycat Dolls only because that’s what the Internet keeps insisting — beat her to it.

Hopefully this is not an ongoing pattern for them wherein Kate picks up their messy thirds. Because we all know Posh has gone pantsless before, and sure enough, here comes Kimmy:

[Photo: Splash News]

That’s not a shirt. That’s two flannel pillowcases pinned together at the shoulders. I’ve seen infants in more full-coverage outfits, and half of their ensembles involve the word “Pampers.” Please, Kate Gosselin, do not pick up this cue from your hair twin. I already accidentally saw paparazzi photos of you flashing your underwear; I do not need any more of you (or your odious ex) in my life.

But, back to Kimberly Wyatt: Based on the facial expression of the woman behind her, I have a sneaking suspicion that Kimberly here is using those tights as trousers, espousing the tragic “you can’t spell ‘panty hose’ without ‘pants’” school of thought. Let’s take a look-see:
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Fug Another Day

Heather and I just admitted to each other that we were both literally unable to accept the fact that Rosamund Pike here is wearing….knickers.

We were like, “that’s totally a skirt, right? Like, an UGLY, UGLY skirt?” But, no. These are instead the ugliest harem pants ever created by human hands. In fact, I think they might have been created by INHUMAN hands. Yes, that’s right. I just floated the theory that Satan spends his spare time kicking back down in Hell, stitching wee pieces of picnic tablecloth to diaphanous white material, and cackling about the retina-searing, soul-inflaming, leg-havoc they will unleash on any weak mortal foolish enough to don them, and the accompanying horror that will wash over any innocent bystanders to said donning. AND APPARENTLY HE WAS RIGHT.

The rest of this is terrible too, but I can’t really see it all that well. SINCE I’M BLIND NOW.