Fug File: performances

Fug the Show: Miley on Saturday Night Live


It was an interesting musical night on SNL — like Miley was making a concerted effort to change the narrative around her after the VMAs, turning the volume way back down from eleven to about… six. She starred in an opening sketch parodying her twerking performance as the end of humanity as we know it, and for her performances, stayed clothed (although went with transparency) and belted out the ballad “Wrecking Ball” and then a stripped-down acoustic “We Can’t Stop,” as if to try and quiet the people who claim she hides behind tomfoolery and over-production because she has no talent. (The problem being that when you have fairly dumb lyrics, like “We all so turned up here, getting turned up, yeah, yeah,” this kind of arrangement exposes them — even Miley snickered a couple times.) Sure, she had a couple flat notes here and there, and at this point if you don’t like her voice then this likely wasn’t going to change your mind. But it was a ballsy, confident move, and probably a smart one. She may, like Kanye, overimagine her own schematic brilliance. But she’s still no dummy.

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Casual Fuggerday: Rihanna


Let’s check in on Rihanna’s performing exploits.

This is apparently fresh off the menswear runway. And it is… crazy. I can’t fathom a dude wanting to look like a billboard for something the FDA has probably banned because of strange additives that are only legal in Asia — much less in something that so easily passes as a dress on Rihanna. That she almost makes sense of it is a marvel. Don’t get me wrong, I still find it hideous, but I understand it a lot more on her than, say, Justin Bieber. Then again, when did I ever speak Bieberish? I wonder if that’s a working barcode on her thigh. If we scan her, what will it say? I’m thinking of every immature calculator message I ever tapped out when I was in fourth grade.

Oh, and in case you wondered…

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Fuglicia Keys


I really wish this were Anne Hathaway, and we could still write parody Les Miserables lyrics.

Because I would cut right to the climax to sing, loudly, “Now I must fug Alicia KEEEEEEYS / Heed, please, the eye of this beholder //’Cause there are PANTS that cannot BEEEEEEEE // and there are wangs we should not polterrrrrrrr.”

Aha, but I didn’t let life kill the fug I dreamed. I just did it anyway. I bet Fantine wishes she’d thought of that.

[Photo: Getty]

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VMAs Fug Carpet: Jennifer Hudson


I have notes on this one, but they pale in comparison to my feelings about what she wore on-stage.

[Photos: Getty, WENN, My Dumb iPhone]

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VMAs: Crazy Performance Fugnanigans


Or as I said to Jessica, the night Miley Cyrus became LMFAO Minaj. Do we think her tongue obsession came BEFORE this outfit, or because of it?

Note: Sadly this isn’t a Fug the Hellshow of the whole thing; just of what people wore during notable performances. I couldn’t bring myself to go into this again THAT deep, and I say that as someone who watched Sharknado TWICE. So you know this was bad.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fugga Ora


It’s so nice to see that Rita Ora hasn’t given up her commitment to fugcellence.

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it must be to wear that many yards of leather — much less leather that alleges to be pants, but is actually more like each leg requested its own, solitary, massively expensive sweat lodge experience. What do Rita Ora’s thighs see during a hallucinatory meditation? Her wardrobe already IS a hallucination. Do you think they have visions of themselves wearing normal clothes?

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