Fug File: PANTS WHAT

Casual Fuggerday: Kate Upton


We do have a fondness for a wacky pant here, especially Jessica.

Kate Upton

But there’s a lot of acreage in the world to be a GOOD wacky pant, and not Monistat-bait with pajama-grade legs.

[Photo: Splash]

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Scrolldown Fug: Bella Thorne in Emporio Armani


This starts as a power lunch…

Bella Thorne at Armani, Milan Fashion Week

… and ends as Reality Bites. In ten minutes she’s going to get fired from her internship and ends up chain-smoking on a couch while talking to her psychic friend at $1.95 a minute.

Seriously, are the ’90s back, and coming to get me? Should I have kept my Doc Martens? See, THIS is why people become hoarders. And those pants are why people become tailors. So that they can turn their trade into a vaccine against Stump Disease.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

 

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VMAs Scrolldown Fug Carpet: Chloe Grace Moretz in Louis Vuitton


I understand the impulse to be grown-up, although maybe not at this particular event. But I don’t understand the urge to be geriatric before you’re even out of your teens.

Chloe Grace Moretz at the VMAs

That top wants to be a mini-dress. Those pants want to march right into the condo board’s meeting and DEMAND that they switch back to Rold Gold pretzels in the lobby snack bowl because WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY and Hazel in the building next door just will not stop yapping about how they get better snacks, and if she doesn’t put a sock in it soon she’s going to get some Tide powder in with her Metamucil, and THAT’ll teach her.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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I Love You Like A Fug Song Baby


I remember when high-waisted jeans came back around in, what, 2005? And I was screaming myself hoarse about the crimes they commit against a person’s groin. They are a pelvic prison. And then they disappeared. AND THEN.

Selena Gomez has found a pair, and wore them to an audition. I hope this was for a Lifetime movie about that time Fergie wet herself on-stage in high-waisted shorts, and Selena was going for abdominal verisimilitude. Otherwise, I can’t think of why anyone would want to do that to themselves. Here’s a closer look:

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Casual Fuggerday In Paris: Blake Lively


Well, Blake Lively’s off-the-shoulder Balmain houndstooth tutu never turned up in any of our subs, but when we saw it on the runway, I did not correctly call that, at all. It seems so obvious now. I don’t love it on her — something about where the cummerbund hits her looks like her midriff is trying to blow a bubble.

Fortunately, we do get a hit of her gallivanting around Paris in some funky trousers, including more houndstooth:

She looks great here — low-key but polished, casual but not boring. If she didn’t seem like an actual nice person from various Internet accounts I’ve read, I would probably be annoyed at how cheerily easy she makes all that look, because it makes me realize I should try a little harder even if my regular life involves only the occasional escape to pre-school and the grocery store. Because who has time, and it’s not like the pre-schoolers care. They’re not going to say, “Oh, well played on that outfit, it’s just the fresh air I needed after finger-painting my letter F.”

Anyway, enough about me. Let’s get to the wacker pants:

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Fugs and Fabs: Olivia Wilde


This started out fine, and then descended into Pants Madness. The’re billowy and frumpy, unflattering, better off hanging in someone’s kitchen window… and girl, unzipping your trousers should be a sprint, not a marathon. Fortunately she fared better elsewhere.

[Photo: Getty]

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