Fug File: Nylon

Fug the Cover: Emily Browning

Nylon magazine wants to celebrate the 263 ways you can be beautiful.

Here is a sneak peek at some of them:

#14: Always make sure people know where your breasts are

#18: Any shirt that makes your nipples look like they have been filleted and then blown up is a shirt you must own

#76: Menstrual diapers always go over your tights. Trust!

#121: You can’t spell “panties” without “spite.”

#202: Pants? HA!


Comparatively Well Played, Drew Barrymore/Fug The Cover: Drew Barrymore

I debated this one with myself for a while, the details of which I will spare you as they involved a long tangent about all the egregious awfulnesses of Never Been Kissed and a search for an L-shaped shower curtain rod, before coming up on the positive side:

[Photo: WENN.com]

I feel like this is a great example of how Drew Barrymore is growing up inside her whole flower-child aesthetic. Instead of still wearing bell-bottoms with flowers crocheted onto the leg, tinted round glasses, and a crown woven from dandelions that she picked up when she wanted to the party through a random field, she’s using the glittery dress pattern to express herself. It’s like, “I’m here, I’m just not as OBVIOUS anymore.”
And I DEFINITELY like this better than how Drew was styled for the cover of Nylon:

Read More


Fug the Cover: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[Photo: Nylon: Guys!]

Okay. First of all, if you haven’t seen (500) Days of Summer, you really should consider rectifying that. It is honest and delightful and that is rare. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt here is great it in. And he’s REALLY CUTE. Like, seriously-consider-having-his-babies cute. So I sort of wish Nylon Guys (I don’t know how to punctuate that. Nylon Guys seems as though it is about men made of nylon. Nylon: Guys is probably the most accurate, but I think I prefer Nylon: Guys! because it seems kickier)…what the hell as I talking about? Oh right: I wish Nylon: Guys! had asked him about (500) Days of Summer rather than G.I Joe, but (a) maybe they did and just decided Joe would be a more alluring draw on the cover for male readers, and (b) perhaps no one truly anticipated that G.I Joe would be as wretched as it allegedly is. But you know what I really wish? That they hadn’t taken someone so adorable and groomed him like someone who hasn’t taken a shower in six weeks and just really wants to talk to you about all his awesome tin cans and how aluminum foil will probably block the government’s mind control rays but only if it’s Reynold’s Wrap. You know what else I wish? I misread that headline on the bottom right as, “David Lynch and Nick Cannon on a yacht with pirates!” and I truly long for that to be made real. Bring me THAT in your next issue, Nylon: Guys!     


Fug the Cover: Kat Dennings and Olivia Thirlby

[Photo: Nylon Magazine]

I’M SO SURE. The 80s flashbacks on this week’s Gossip Girl felt less contrived than this does. I can’t imagine either Kat Dennings or Olivia Thirlby got this in the mail and clasped her hands together with glee and gasped, “fabulous! Now more people are going to want to punch me in the face! Just what I wanted!” And yet that is exactly what this has achieved. Girls, allow me to impart a valuable lesson: when someone asks you if you’re interested in recreating scenes from The Wedding Singer on camera, you are allowed to say no. A little restraint in this area will only help your career in the long run.


Fug The Cover: Camilla Belle

What is going ON here? Not only is Camilla Belle wrapped in a hellacious hodge-podge of pieces — a cropped coat with alien tentacles attempting to steal second base, a blue shirt with what looks like a piece trailing down the front of some high-waisted formal bloomers, and leggings that look like half-migraine, half-villain in a video game — but she looks super cranky about it. Which does not give me much faith that I will fall in love with any of the 243 looks Nylon insists will tickle my heart. Especially not if I’m supposed to wear this many of them at the same time. If I were in Franz Ferdinand, and I saw this cover, I might react to being named Nylon‘s best-dressed band in the world by immediately burning my entire wardrobe and moving to an alpaca farm in darkest Peru.


Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

I have sincerely been enjoying the way every other magazine in the United States has decided that because November is the month in which we elect a new president (maybe you hadn’t heard), their November covers will be SUPER PATRIOTIC, and they all must OUT PATRIOT each other! Red, white and blue! Babies waving flags! People jumping out of apple pies with baseballs in one hand and the Constitution in the other! If I ran a magazine, I think I would have Michael Phelps on the cover, holding a bald eagle, wearing a red, white and blue striped Speedo and the word “VOTE” written across his chest in Sharpie. (After all, you SHOULD vote. And what better way to insist upon it than using firm pecs as America’s chalkboard? Exactly. How do I not have a magazine of my very own?) And yet somehow Nylon seems to think that the most effective way to get across their love of country is a shot of Paris Hilton in which her eyes appear drugged and unfocused and her extensions are all wonky. Sure, you could say that was a conscious choice, but I prefer not to be so cynical and decide it was just a very, very bad one, especially since Paris has actually been kind of vaguely amusing lately. Still, it seems sort of tragic to have a bedraggled-looking Paris on the cover of a magazine purporting to be all about things to love about the United States, while relegating Jon Stewart to just two tiny words there on the side. Get him and Colbert popping out of that apple pie, and you’ve got my $4.50, kids.