Fug File: Nashville

Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 19


So, it would appear my soulmate has arrived on Nashville.

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She is Avery’s mother, and she spends most of the episode either drenching Juliette in ocular stink for entirely deserved reasons, or giving Avery some bracing yet supportive real talk. Truthfully, I initially missed that this was Mama Barkley and thought it was last week’s sitter re-hired, so when she started in on the cold hard truth-telling, I was like, “YES! Get-A-Grip Nanny!” But Get-A-Grip Mother-In-Law is good, too. TELL IT LIKE IT IS, Mama Barkley. She suffers no fools, and thus, no Jules.

Christina Aguilera is back this week, and brunetter than ever:

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 18, ‘Nobody Knows But Me’


This episode felt a little perkier, thanks to the full-time return of Juliette, and the fact that lots of people who are NOT Juliette had actual adult conversations in mature ways — which is, as you know, my kryptonite.

But first, a beef:

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Juliette has named her baby Cadence — whoever guessed “Harmony” in the comments last week was not far off, although I also don’t believe IN A MILLION YEARS that Juliette pulled that one out at the hospital. I sincerely doubt she’d be singing a lullaby with Avery and then think, “What wonderful cadence we have HEY WAIT BINGO.”

Anyway, Cadence is clearly fussy, and Juliette and Avery have been home for three weeks, and she’s starting to lose it. But Avery has band commitments — I guess Sadie Stone’s album was his only job, and now that she left to go have feelings on another TV show, he has to focus on The Triple (E)X(e)s. Juliette is bumming out, etc. But the part that really chaps my knee pits is: Hayden Panettiere and Jonathan Jackson take turns trying to soothe Cadence, and they do so by bouncing her up and down like you would not believe. BOTH of these people are parents in real life now; did NOBODY teach them not to do that? My mom volunteers in the mother and baby ward of her local hospital, and the nurse there begs new parents not to bounce their babies by cracking an egg into a mason jar and then jiggling it very lightly and saying, “See how that messes up the yolk? That is YOUR CHILD’S BRAIN PLEASE DON’T DO THAT EVER.” I’m sure it’s apt that nobody should be taking parenting tips from Juliette Barnes, but still.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 17, “This Just Ain’t A Good Day for Leavin’”


I basically want to blow through the other plots in this episode so that we can get straight to Hayden Panettiere, who was epic and hysterical. I have no idea when she had her baby in real life relative to when they shot this, but… she is a national treasure, y’all. The greatest argument for the continued existence of Nashville is that Juliette Barnes needs to endure, and the greatest sin of its continued existence is that the Emmys ignore her.

But first, yes, Deacon and Rayna are still being cuddlemonkeys.

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They stayed up all night talking out all their feelings with Maddie and Daphne, who are now passed out on the couch. The two of them were settling in for a long day of gazing and squeezing until Rayna’s phone rings, and she learns Sadie is at the police station because she shot her ex. Rayna reacts to this the way you would if your brain were sort of slow and fuzzy after a night of crying — she’s like, “Wuh?” — and Deacon reacts to this the way your brain would if you were Deacon (“Huh”). He is a total hothead when it comes to his own problems, but when it’s other people’s drama, he’s so even-keeled that sometimes I want to snap my fingers in front of his face to see if he blinks.

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Gunnar’s hair is in a ragingly jealous cloud. I’m going to start calling it a pouffant. He’s carping at Avery about Scarlett being late, Scarlett sleeping with totally random men she just met (because he doesn’t know the absurdly youthful Dr. Pre-K is Deacon’s cancer man, as he looks like he’s only just old enough to be learning lowercase letters), Scarlett not clinging to the hem of his pants and kissing his feet… he’s in a snit. When she does finally show up, totally late and still needing to pack and doing a Walk of Shame, Gunnar is a jackhole to her and continues to give her the cold-shoulder all day — unless, of course, he’s raising an eyebrow about her sexual practices. Because the way to a woman’s heart is to slut-shame her.

In other news, Teddy washed his face:

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 16, “I Can’t Keep Away From You”


I think everyone knew exactly where this episode was going to end up — but it is always a treat seeing Connie Britton and Chip Esten do their thing, because you feel every one of the years that passed between these people and sometimes that kind of depth of chemistry is all you need. Nothing surprising has to happen if watching them talk it out, or just look at each other, is a pleasure.

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We pick up right at the end of the last hour, when Rayna came back to Deacon, only to find out he’s dying of cancer. And she smacked him one out of surprise and grief, and then threw herself at him, sobbing. Now, I love these two together, and I actually understand her knee-jerk reaction there, but I also was mildly dismayed to see her doing her usual routine of making this about her. Here she does apologize for the slap, but other than that, the first thing she says is, “I’m not gonna let you leave me.” Which is a very ME ME ME kind of thing to say, when in fact, one might consider, “I’m so sorry this is happening to you — are you in pain, how long has this been going on, tell me everything,” etc. But of course Rayna goes all Needy McMEEEEE about it.

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Connie Britton does look completely wrung out and empty, though. The way she clings to him is pretty heartbreaking. Also, from this I glean that Deacon gives good hug. I could get on board with buying my face in that, preferably without the imminent death. DEACON.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 15, “That’s The Way Love Goes”


Fair warning: I did not do a great job screen-grabbing this episode. But I got the most important part, and let’s just skip to it right now:

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Deacon. In glasses. And that sweater. PAYING BILLS. I just… it’s so much hot sensibleness in one shot. I just want to go over there and make us both soup. As foreplay, obviously, but soup will totally be consumed.

This isn’t a bad sight either:

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 14


Last week, Mario Van Peebles van-feebled Oliver Hudson, by firing him from Edgehill. Rayna has heard the news, and she has an extremely human reaction.

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Ostensibly she is celebrating extracting Maddie from her contract, but whatever. We all know what’s what. She’s so high off the fumes of lighting people’s businesses afire that she promotes Bucky to Head of A&R at her label. He’s delighted, because he can use the zero dollars they’re earning to sign all kinds of artists they’re not actually looking for. SUPER fun job. Actually, it probably IS. Think of all the Candy Crush levels he can play in one day.

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Meanwhile, despite last week’s resolution for Scarlett to be less manic and Deacon to be less of a dour patch kid, Scarlett is being manic and Deacon is being a dour patch kid. She’s nudging him about all the stuff he has to do to forestall dying, and he’s like, “Talk to the hand.” Dude, at least write some monstrously heartbreaking country songs out of this, so that your posthumous album will rake in the dough for your progeny (and your niece).

Anyway, we’re here at Dr. Baby Gap’s office to discuss a clinical trial:

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