Fug File: Nashville

Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 14

Last week, Mario Van Peebles van-feebled Oliver Hudson, by firing him from Edgehill. Rayna has heard the news, and she has an extremely human reaction.


Ostensibly she is celebrating extracting Maddie from her contract, but whatever. We all know what’s what. She’s so high off the fumes of lighting people’s businesses afire that she promotes Bucky to Head of A&R at her label. He’s delighted, because he can use the zero dollars they’re earning to sign all kinds of artists they’re not actually looking for. SUPER fun job. Actually, it probably IS. Think of all the Candy Crush levels he can play in one day.


Meanwhile, despite last week’s resolution for Scarlett to be less manic and Deacon to be less of a dour patch kid, Scarlett is being manic and Deacon is being a dour patch kid. She’s nudging him about all the stuff he has to do to forestall dying, and he’s like, “Talk to the hand.” Dude, at least write some monstrously heartbreaking country songs out of this, so that your posthumous album will rake in the dough for your progeny (and your niece).

Anyway, we’re here at Dr. Baby Gap’s office to discuss a clinical trial:

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 13

You know how we’ve all been wondering how Rayna Jaymes is paying the bills? Well, so is she:


She’s fretting to Bucky about how Sadie Stone’s session musicians cost a bundle, and which is both understandable and also insane because Sadie is HER ONLY EXPENSE RIGHT NOW except for all her Highway 65 stress balls and No. 2 pencils. Bucky reminds us all that Avery is producing the album and is a relative rookie, and Rayna both sticks up for him and sends Bucky over there to babysit. Which, it’s worth mentioning, Bucky does not do, because the show wanted him to storm in at the end and DEMAND SATISFACTION and then be really impressed.

Then Rayna gets a package:


This is the first she’s hearing of Maddie’s record deal, courtesy of a diamond necklace send to Maddie — except obviously not really — by Oliver Hudson, complete with a note in his childish, script. I am hoping there is professional graphologist somewhere in Fug Nation who can let me know if this is the scribblings of a hopeless narcissist or a person who capitalizes random words beginning with “O” because inside he is a turgid lake of insecurity.

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Fug the Show: Nashville, season 3, episode 12

I am not sure how much longer we will keep covering this show, because NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Although I suppose things are THREATENING to happen. It’s like that time we were in North Carolina and we knew the hurricane was coming, and we basically spent twenty-four agonizing hours watching it slooooooooowly come toward us.

Scarlett’s hair, though, is supremely stressed-out.


At least it looks soft and healthy. But it’s also all, “TOO MANY FEELINGS. NO TIME FOR BRAIDS.” Her sweater is also all atwitter. Why? Because her mother is nigh, and she hasn’t told Deacon yet that she even called her.


So when this happens, Deacon is not best pleased, although it’s immediately apparently Scarlett hasn’t actually TOLD her mother that Deacon is dying. She basically dragged her mama there under the false pretense that she and Deacon want to smooth over their family problems and make everything right again. This seems cowardly at best and cruel at worst, neither of which I think Scarlett is. But then again, Mama doesn’t bring out the best in her spawn, and the last time they hung out Scarlett ended up in rehab. However, since then, Mama has gone coat-shopping and done pretty well for herself, so maybe she’s ready to pay it forward and give someone a deal on her liver.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 11

This show has been on a break for ages, so just to recap: Rayna dumped Luke on their wedding day, Deacon found out he has either cirrhosis or cancer (or both), Layla OD’d and was found floating in Oliver Hudson’s pool, Gunnar is suddenly not suddenly a father, and Avery and Juliette got married because everyone knows they’re made for each other and any other narrative is an unrepentant farce.

Even though Rayna drove away with a look of relief on her face, angst is more interesting to open an episode. So now she’s doing this:


And I get it — it’s her The Graduate moment, the one after the heady rush of freedom where reality sets in and she realizes she has to tell OTHER people and deal with the media and start sorting out which of them is allowed to pretend to patronize what Nashville grocery stores so that there aren’t any awkward collisions. It’s a lot, y’all. One head of hair, no matter now magnificent, is not enough to help.

Luke is handling this super well.


No, really. There is no better way to cope than RUNNING OVER THE WEDDING CAKE. On the one hand, this type of melodrama made me like him in a way I never did before; on the other, it’s a flagrant disregard for the dessert arts, and six whole tiers of feelings that demanded to be eaten. Reckless behavior. The cake, which appears to be barfing flowers to make up for having NO other details on it at all, thuds on his windshield and slides away.


“If this’n were a dang-ol’ Ford Truck, that bastard would’ve exploded all over Nashville.”

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Fug the Show: Nashville, season 3, episode 10, “First to Have a Second Chance”

It’s the last episode before a break — we’re off until early February, y’all — and the writers did indeed leave us with a couple cliffhangers amidst a satisfying twist or two. But first, we have to get through Rayna preparing for her wedding to Luke Wheeler, and if you disliked the dress she picked previously, you’re in luck. THEORETICALLY. Because although she scrapped that one — citing paparazzi and “Luke is so traditional” and blah blah blah — the new gown is, in my opinion, WAY worse.


I just think this makes Connie Britton look huge. And if there’s one thing we know about Connie Britton, it’s that she’s long and lean and decidedly NOT a balloon of a lady. So I have no choice but to assume we are watching Rayna’s psyche try and slap her into alertness about how little she wants to marry this guy. “This is the dress he wants, and it’s hideous, so USE THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY,” her mind is saying.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 9, “Two Sides to Every Story”

All you need to know is that Hayden Panettiere completely won TV in this episode. Forever. Until the next time she wins it. How’s THAT for a teaser?

We begin this hour in Rayna’s house, which is as brimming with Christmas Cheer as if it were all sponsored by Pier 1 Imports.


Which, in fact, it probably is. She and Luke are filming an extended holiday special — which, by the way, in real life ties into the Nashville Christmas album. The whole thing is a bit Easy Listening for me — the big winner is Aubrey Peeples on “Merry Christmas, Baby,” though Chaley Rose sounds pretty enough on a Lite FM cut o “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” that it’ll just make you wish she’d had more solos on the show. Mostly, you need to know that Connie Britton performs “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and she does so as if Mr. Grinch is getting handsy with her on the sofa and she doesn’t entirely mind. (There may have been some orgasmic-sounding moaning?) REALLY not a good match of star and song. Go preview it on iTunes; you won’t be sorry, except for the ways in which you will be sorry.


Luka and Rayna (and thus their real-world counterparts) do “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” at some point, but this stuff is all the cheesy interstitial blah that makes it feel like it’s all a trick to make you shop at Walmart. And anyone who thinks EITHER of those people personally trimmed every visible inch o that tree with ribbon and balls is out of their minds. There’s a lot of talk about Rayna’s regular holiday stuff, and how great it is, and I hope next week she has an actual tree that’s slightly crooked and unevenly lit, with a melange of ornaments that clearly were purchased over 20 years and/or handmade by her kids when they were toddlers. THOSE are America’s trees.


Did Teddy sign off on using the girls in this thing? Or Deacon? Everyone is suddenly super comfy with Maddie and Daphne flarging around on-camera. At least let them sing, Rayna. Also, I hate to break it to you, but your belt is ridiculous. You don’t need to cinch something that is skintight. Unless it is a ripcord? If you pull it, will Luke get sucked up out the chimney? PLEASE PULL IT AND SEE.

Speaking of The Trees of America:

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