OH EM GEE Y’ALL.
I look really GOOD on the cover of InStyle:
Tyra Banks texted me something about my neck that I didn’t understand because Tyra doesn’t speak English anymore — her text was all, “SMIZE BOOCH TOOCH BUT YOU FORGOT TO NOOCH. WERKKIT H2T <3 TYTYBAYBEE” and I don’t even understand what some of those letters are doing in that order but I just figure that Tyra is annoyed with me because I told her I couldn’t be fiercely real with her that one time, because I didn’t know what being fiercely real would ENTRAIL. Anywaaaaay, other than my lack of NOOCH, whatever that is, I look PRETTY FANTASTIC here, don’t I? Let’s talk about all the things that I am doing right now that are currently fantastic:
1) I am moving into Caesar’s Place, which is fantastic because their cocktail waitresses are the best dressed people in Las Vegas and maybe they’ll loan me one of their little togas and then I can finally look like Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor in Liz & Dick when I am outside having a Diet and Bacardi by the Lazy River and that is my number-one dream, okay?
b) I’m real in love with whatever rando brunette dude I’m dating right now, y’all. Whatever he’s called, no one has ever made me feel like him, whoever he is. NOT EVEN YOU JUSTIN. Actually honestly y’all, now that I have seen the horrible hideous ugly things Jessica Biel has been wearing since they got married I AM TOTALLY OVER HIM. I am being totally serious, you guys. She has to wear like crocheted pants and stuff now and I was never going to do that. I might be unmarried right now and I might have to give Kevin Federline like twelve thousand dollars a month in alimony and I might be the record-holder for Shortest Vegas Marriage On Record but at least I get to wear whatever I want, y’all, and yeah, sometimes it IS a pair of cut-offs I haven’t washed in six months because I want to see if I can get them to stand up by themselves, but so what? That’s FREEDOM.
?) That reminds me, I should totally marry someone when I live in Vegas, RIGHT, Y’ALL? Oh my God, call People and tell them that I am probably going to get married when I am in Vegas, maybe at the Lazy River and maybe to a craps dealer I AM SO EXCITED. THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST IDEAS.
iv) My Mom just called and I guess I’m actually moving into something called “Planet Hollywood” and I’m actually not that happy about that because no one told me that space travel was going to be involved in this and I don’t know if my new weave is going to look so hot in zero gravity but whatever I guess I signed the contract. There better be a lazy river there, is all I’m saying.
g)RIGHT, so I’m honestly over Justin and anyone who doesn’t think so can SUCK IT.
5) I do seriously look really good on this cover and so what if some of it is Photoshop? That’s the whole point of Photoshop.
*) The nice people at InStyle called me “Britney!” and I am pretty sure that’s because they know I like to sign my Letters of Truth, which makes me feel like someone understands me finally.