Fug File: InStyle

Well Played Cover: Britney Spears on InStyle


OH EM GEE Y’ALL.

I look really GOOD on the cover of InStyle:

Tyra Banks texted me something about my neck that I didn’t understand because Tyra doesn’t speak English anymore — her text was all, “SMIZE BOOCH TOOCH BUT YOU FORGOT TO NOOCH. WERKKIT H2T <3 TYTYBAYBEE” and I don’t even understand what some of those letters are doing in that order but I just figure that Tyra is annoyed with me because I told her I couldn’t be fiercely real with her that one time, because I didn’t know what being fiercely real would ENTRAIL. Anywaaaaay, other than my lack of NOOCH, whatever that is, I look PRETTY FANTASTIC here, don’t I? Let’s talk about all the things that I am doing right now that are currently fantastic:

1) I am moving into Caesar’s Place, which is fantastic because their cocktail waitresses are the best dressed people in Las Vegas and maybe they’ll loan me one of their little togas and then I can finally look like Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor in Liz & Dick when I am outside having a Diet and Bacardi by the Lazy River and that is my number-one dream, okay?

b) I’m real in love with whatever rando brunette dude I’m dating right now, y’all. Whatever he’s called, no one has ever made me feel like him, whoever he is. NOT EVEN YOU JUSTIN. Actually honestly y’all, now that I have seen the horrible hideous ugly things Jessica Biel has been wearing since they got married I AM TOTALLY OVER HIM. I am being totally serious, you guys. She has to wear like crocheted pants and stuff now and I was never going to do that. I might be unmarried right now and I might have to give Kevin Federline like twelve thousand dollars a month in alimony and I might be the record-holder for Shortest Vegas Marriage On Record but at least I get to wear whatever I want, y’all, and yeah, sometimes it IS a pair of cut-offs I haven’t washed in six months because I want to see if I can get them to stand up by themselves, but so what? That’s FREEDOM.

?) That reminds me, I should totally marry someone when I live in Vegas, RIGHT, Y’ALL? Oh my God, call People and tell them that I am probably going to get married when I am in Vegas, maybe at the Lazy River and maybe to a craps dealer I AM SO EXCITED. THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST IDEAS.

iv) My Mom just called and I guess I’m actually moving into something called “Planet Hollywood” and I’m actually not that happy about that because no one told me that space travel was going to be involved in this and I don’t know if my new weave is going to look so hot in zero gravity but whatever I guess I signed the contract. There better be a lazy river there, is all I’m saying.

g)RIGHT, so I’m honestly over Justin and anyone who doesn’t think so can SUCK IT.

5) I do seriously look really good on this cover and so what if some of it is Photoshop? That’s the whole point of Photoshop.

*) The nice people at InStyle called me “Britney!” and I am pretty sure that’s because they know I like to sign my Letters of Truth, which makes me feel like someone understands me finally.

LOVE,

BRITNEY!

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Fug or Fab The Covers: Jennifer Lawrence on Various Media


I kind of love that InStyle took the girl on fire and effectively put her on ice.

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Fug the Covers: InStyle with Julianne Moore and Taylor Swift


In noticing and being horrified by the latest InStyle cover, I realized I forgot to put up the October issue featuring Julianne Moore. Let’s remedy that first:

Her hair looks amazing. It’s too bad the text is stepping all over it, but I guess that’s the rub of being on the cover. I love her in the sexy green shirt, too, but I keep wanting to reach out and straighten her necklace. There’s something stiff and absent in her face — she’s radiant, but she also seems like this is the fiftieth shot and her facial muscles were getting tired. In all, though, it’s VERY InStyle,  exactly what I would imagine this magazine’s core reader would want, and it makes the next one look even worse by comparison:

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Fug or Fab The Covers: Drew Barrymore and Kate Bosworth on US and UK InStyle


I didn’t even realize that InStyle was doing subscriber covers until I noticed that the copy that was sitting on my coffee table looked different than the one I’d just seen at the market. TRICKY, INSTYLE. But did they even need to branch out? Let’s look at what they did to Drew Barrymore and Kate Bosworth this month and discuss. Hint: I truly think Drew has never looked better, like, as a person. Remember those years where her eyebrows were just OUT OF CONTROL?

[Covers: InStyle and my iPhone]

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Olivia Wilde on InStyle


So, InStyle continues its tradition of making celebrities look like the most calm and/or sanitized and/or Upper East Side version of themselves.

See? It’s a bit stiff and spit-shined, the way they seem to like it over there, but: Whereas a lot of InStyle covers do that in an extremely chilly way, this one exudes warmth. I actually think her hair looks fantastic — really shiny and thick. And her makeup is good, and while the jacket isn’t necessarily what I think of when I imagine Olivia Wilde’s personal style, it’s rather Blair Waldorf in a way that appeals to me. Everyone should have an inner Blair Waldorf, as long as we’re not talking about the cranium-devouring-headband part.

The other thing that made me appreciate this cover: When I was Googling it, I turned up an August 2011 Marie Claire cover she did — so, exactly two years ago — and it is glossy hellfire:

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Fug the Cover: Selena Gomez on InStyle


I’m not always entirely sure what InStyle’s deal is anymore.

Every time I picked it up, which admittedly was last a very long time ago, it was definitely a magazine for Ladies Of A Certain Age Who Have Lots Of Disposable Income, and then beyond that, Oglers Of Whatever Age Who Wish They Had More Disposable Income (yo!). Kind of like Marie Claire or Allure or Elle (Marie Alle) for rich ladies who don’t care if the person on the cover has a strangely blank stare. So I can’t figure out why Selena Gomez makes a lick of sense on this publication’s cover. She’s trying to grow up, sure, but she’s not there yet — and as long as she keeps being linked to Justin Bieber, her adulthood is going to be a hard sell — and so I can’t imagine she tracks too well with the target demographic.

Beyond that, she has succumbed to InStyle‘s recent rut of looking frozen and stiff even though they clearly shoved a wind machine in her face to try and give this some spunk. (Instead, she just looks like she’s fighting to keep her eyes open because there is a freaking wind machine in her face.) She’s clad in the Stella McCartney jumpsuit we last saw on pneumonia-riddled Jennifer Lawrence during awards season, also, which… it’s not the worst thing ever, but it’s not really HER, either. Selena Gomez is just much cuter than this, and also much more LIVELY, and since I can’t imagine InStyle‘s core reader really cares that much about her input on falling in love again or breakup songs or fashion advice, the whole thing comes off like a doomed experiment.

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