Fug File: Harry Potter

Bonnie Fught

Poor Bonnie. First, the Harry Potter filmmakers stripped Ginny of most of her moxie — one of my biggest issues with that entire franchise is that they essentially deleted the sassy spirit of a major character — and now I’m about to get stuck into her about her clothing choices. Fortunately for her, she’s still got beautiful hair, great skin, a pretty face, a throbbing career, and she’s still engaged to that long-haired, chiseled dude who appeared as Gellert Grindelwald for about thirty seconds, so obviously she’s doing just fine regardless of how I feel about her taste in footwear.

[Photos: Getty, WENN]


Fug or Fab: Emma Watson

If Emma were smiling, this might’ve had a shot.

But she isn’t, and there isn’t a picture of her in our subscriptions where she is. So what could’ve been a cute, girly-with-an-edge take on tartan, had she seemed to enjoy herself in it, suddenly becomes, “My agent lost a bet with Gerard Butler and so now I have to star in a new West End ballet called Scotch Leg about three generations of Scottish haggis makers and the women they love. And I HATE haggis. Except Paul Haggis. And even then I’m not sure. God, this acting thing is hard sometimes. Do we think JK might change her mind and write Harry Potter and the Mid-Life Crisis Motorbike? Please?”

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Fug the Fromage: Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story

The first thing that Lifetime wants you to know is that MAGIC BEYOND WORDS is an unauthorized biography, which might make you think that it’s going to be full of salacious, semi-true details and tales of saucy romantic entanglements with inappropriate people. This is basically a total lie. I mean, no one reveres JK Rowling more than I — I love the Harry Potter books madly, and I think they are a miracle of plot structure — and I don’t necessarily think that there NEEDS to be a movie made of her life, and I certainly am not advocating going out there to rustle up some dirt on her, because that would be gross, but if someone makes the decision to Unauthorized Biography it up, then they should UNAUTHORIZE IT UP, you guys.

ANYWAY. We open with B-roll of people losing their shiz at a Harry Potter premiere. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but apparently it’s a very successful franchise.  A newswoman breathlessly narrates, “JK Rowling will be here this afternoon,” and we cut to Poppy Montgomery hesitating before getting out of a limo. A) How weird it must be for Rowling to know that Lifetime made a movie about her life without her authorization, and b) It’s probably kind of flattering to be played by Poppy Montgomery.

“What do I talk about with the Duchess of York? Honestly?”  JK says to this perky person:

I can think of several things: weight loss, Prince Andrew and whether or not they’ll ever really get back together, if the Queen is actually really mean or not, crumpets. Perky Dude tells her, super perkily, that they’ll talk about “whatever it is Famous People talk about” – so, weight loss is a go — and that she’ll be great. They then clunkily establish that he is her fiancé, which is interesting because I totally assumed he was her Sassy Gay Friend, who would implore her to look at her life/choices when she got drunk at the premiere party and sloppily confessed that she was a little bit in love with Voldemort.

After a deep breath, JK looks thoughtfully out the car window at a woman carrying a child. They’re both wearing witches’ hats and holding copies of Harry Potter: Not Without My Owl: The Hedwig Q. Potter Story (it’s Lifetime, after all), the sight of which flashes us all back to 1973, where some childish uniform-wearing prat teases Wee Jo and her sister Diana about…something that I didn’t really follow, mostly because I was bored, and she comes back with some very serviceable scary story to shame him, and — listen, basically all you need to know is that Rowling has always had a very good imagination, likes witches, is very invested in The Power of Friendship, and was basically Hermione Granger in a blue coat:

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Amusingly Played, Ron Fugsley

Forget whether or not I’m on Team Rupert (although I am). I want Rupert on Team Me. I want him to show up to important events in my life, like a book signing or my kids’ birthday or the day I finally beat Angry Birds Halloween Level 10 and achieve my OCD goal of having three stars on every Angry Birds Seasons level, wearing an “I *heart* GFY Heather” t-shirt that he made himself, because he cares that much. I won’t even mind if he does it in that hair, or with those Ray Bans With A Secret (all will be revealed in the slideshow).  That Draco Malfoy is a lucky guy.


Potterfugia: Suddenly Hot Neville Through The Ages

Remember this? Sweet Neville, we loved you then. But we, like, REALLY love you now. (Sometimes, you can’t just make a statement. You have to underline it. Twice. In bold. And then doodle on it with your kids’ crayons, because coloring is fun.)


Potterfugia: Daniel Radcliffe

Oh, Harry. LOOK AT YOU. The uber-fan in me wants to punch Voldemort in the nose for being a big old red-eyed meanie who killed your parents. The regular me, aware that Movie Voldemort does not have a nose, just wants Fan Heather to sit down for a second and chill and appreciate that an enthusiastic sparkly eyed kid grew up into an enthusiastic sparkly eyed adult without the apparent aid of pharmaceuticals. Bless.