Fug File: green

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Well Played, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

Did anyone not tear up a little when Michael Douglas and CZJ swept onto the red carpet together?

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones

Tears over him, because he’s reportedly beaten his throat cancer — tears I also shed, I might add, when everyone gave him a standing ovation as he walked out on stage, to which he humbly replied something akin to, “There has to be an easier way to get a standing ovation” — and tears over her, because well, it would be pretty bad-ass to be her. Look at her owning that thing. It’s massive. It’s mossy. It’s textured. It’s drapey. And it’s kind of fan-freaking-tastic on her. She knows it, too. Her face says, “Yes, that’s right. My husband beat cancer, and I beat all these other bitches in green, and you will be looking at me EVERY SINGLE TIME you catch sight of even a tiny strip of this dress on the screen. And you will LIKE IT, because I am Catherine Zeta-Jones, and I am still the reigning Most Pregnant Woman Ever To Haul Ass Up Onto An Awards Stage And Carry Off A Trophy, and admit it, you thought I was going to go into labor right then and there and have Jack Nicholson cut the cord. But I didn’t, because I am SO FABULOUS that my cervix actually obeys my orders.”

In other words, I really like that dress.


Golden Globes Fug or Fab: Elisabeth Moss

PROS: I love this color on her, like, A LOT:

And the neckline and bodice are charming. But I am legitimately kind of confused by the hips: to me, it looks like they have very intricate pleats, which she’s kind of screwed up by continually posing with her hands on them. So it’s gotten kind of Wrinkled McPerplexing, when it probably looked amazing on the dress form (I think this is a custom Donna Karan, so I can’t find a shot of it on a model to compare).

And the back is a concern:


Golden Globes Well Played: Angelina Jolie

BRAD: YOOOOO, Brangie!

ANGELINA: Technically I’m just Angie.

BRAD: Whatever, baby girl, we are as one. But if you want to go there, then fine — call me B.Pittz.

ANGELINA: And why would I do that?

BRAD: Because I am HAPPENING tonight. This funkball is the JAM.

ANGELINA: I don’t understand those words in that order.

BRAD: B.Pittz is in the HIZ, baby, and my lingo is the SHIZ, Miz!

ANGELINA: And I don’t understand those words at all.

BRAD:  …Yeah, I learned them from the kids. That Shiloh has a mouth.

ANGELINA: Let’s stop wasting time on that and talk about me. I’m wearing a color, Brad.

BRAD: You’re what?


BRAD: You’re wearing a collar? Like a dog?


BRAD: Now I don’t understand those words in that order.

ANGELINA: I know. I think the earth fell off its axis.


Fug or Fab: Brenda Song

So, apparently Disney’s Brenda Song is in The Social Network. I had no idea. I bet Miley Cyrus is sitting around somewhere putting pins in a Brenda Song doll while copies of her movie The Last Song burn in her fireplace. (Also, when I first published this entry today, I had called her Brenda Strong. In fact, Brenda Strong is the dead narrator on Desperate Housewives and The Braless Wonder from Seinfeld. NOT THE SAME. DON’T GET ANY IDEAS, BRENDA SONG.)

Or maybe Miley is using them to do fashion voodoo. Because while Brenda looks perfectly cute in this shiny — if a tad too micro for her — little black dress, she also wore this recently:

It Ain’t Easy Being Green


Well Played, Wino Forever

Winona’s last few appearances on the red carpet have been tragic. Or at least semi-tragic. So this warmed the cockles of my heart, which are usually kept at a very frosty sub-freezing temperature:

It’s really simple, yes, but it’s the best combination of soft and flattering that she’s sported in a long time. And now I want to go watch Heathers again. Although really, it does not take much to get me to want to watch Heathers – death by Drano, Shannen Doherty, “I love my dead gay son,” and Martha Dumptruck, and… well, it’s all so very, you know? It’s a BIGGER deal that this makes me want to watch Reality Bites, the movie that in my youth I thought was very funny, and in my current state of adult decrepitude makes me want to scream at people about wearing bras, getting a goddamn job, washing their hair (I’m looking at you, Ethan Hawke), and not being pretentious assheads (ditto). Like, when you start rooting for the Taye Diggs character in Rent, and Ben Stiller in Reality Bites, and you cheer for Janeane Garofalo in that movie when she tries to get Wino a job at The Gap, you know you’re inching outside the target demographic. Although, I like to think of it as wisdom. PAY THE RENT, PEOPLE. Pay for your Snickers. God.


Well Played, Blake Lively

Apparently, this event was something called the Footwear News Achievement Awards, which pleases me; I had no idea all those words belonged in the same sentence.

Blake Lively at the Footwear News Achievement Awards

And these are a cool achievement in footwear — although if they are Louboutins, as her occasional poses next to him might hint, then their coolness is not necessarily news because he is hotter than the sun right now. But this dress is pretty great on Blake, the kind of thing I want to try on yet also never want to touch in my life, because if I did it would look nothing like this. My beef: Would it have killed her to make the hair a little neater? I mean, maybe it’s not that bad, but if you told me she’d just gone for a jog in Central Park I’d believe it. Then again — albeit when I was very young — I once believed “gross” was spelled “groase,” so draw your own conclusions about my gullibility and/or lack of mental heft. (However, on a side note, I just noticed that if you scroll up and down over this photo, over and over again, the background starts to look like it’s 3D and moving and changing. Trippy!)


Unfug It Up: Amber Tamblyn

I just can’t crack this one.

Let’s start with the hair: Surely those bangs are a piece, no? They’re so shiny and uniform. And severe. And don’t appear to meld well with the rest of her hair. Also, speaking of shiny, let’s move down south to the dress, which is so replete with sheen that I am tempted to offer it blotting papers. It’s so sheened up, it just destroyed a hotel room. It’s oozing so much sheen that Two and a Half Men could replace Charlie with it for ten episodes and nobody would notice. Plus: boxy like an old Volvo.
What would you fix here? The color, the fabric? The cut? The head-suit? Is this salvageable? Or is there absolutely nothing wrong? Because, see, I appreciate where Amber is going with this, truly; I’m just not sure I want to go there with her unless she PROMISES me we’re going to sit in a swamp and sing “Rainbow Connection.”