Fug File: green

Oscars Fug Carpet: Viola Davis


I love you Viola, but I don’t know if this worked.

THE PROS: The hair is great! The color of this dress is great! And it looks much better in photos that it did on the red carpet.

THE CONS: It goes crazy at the bottom,  like it’s a remnant from a slasher movie about a killer with really aggressive tastes in evening gowns. Like if Heather and I went psychotic. “I hate this….AND HERE’S WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH IT.”

THE GOOD NEWS: You didn’t win wearing something that was, ultimately, a bit mediocre . But you’ll win eventually. It’s going to happen. And next time, you can skip the Vera Wang.

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Well Played, Rooney Mara


You know, when it goes — and someday I’m sure it will — I’m going to miss the black hair.

I can’t get over what lovely eyes Rooney has, and she’s figured out how to make the hair and her makeup and her skin tone work together to accent them. In fact, she had an all-around solid weekend: Not only are the shoes great and the green dress is adorable, but her family’s team won the Super Bowl, and so therefore I believe it’s the rule of the universe that any onion dip, chips, and beers consumed in service of rooting for the home team officially contain negative calories and in fact retroactively are full only of healthy vitamins and antioxidants. Did I mention I was conceived in New York City? It counts, Universe. It counts. My cellulite will be expecting your call.

[Photo: Getty]

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Golden Globes Well Played: Laura Dern


Back at last year’s Globes, I unpopularly liked Angelina Jolie’s green sparkly dress; in hindsight I wonder if THIS is the dress I badly wanted that one to be:

Still classy, but with a pinch of cleavage. Laura Dern looks radiant. Also, Classy With A Pinch of Cleavage would make a killer autobiography title, if she’s hunting for one. Although maybe it’d be better suited to J.Lo. HAHAHA. Oh, man, it is too early in the week for me to be this punchy. Besides, obviously I meant to say Gaga.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Chastain


In which we discover whether my love of a redhead in green extends to a redhead in this green.

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[Photos: Getty]

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Fug or Fab or Unfug: Jessica Chastain


Lord knows I love a redhead in green.

And I almost love this redhead in THIS green, but there’s something about the midsection that’s bugging me. Specifically, if it were me in this dress, I would be frowning and asking Jessica, “Does this make me look pregnant?” And she’d be like, “But you’re not pregnant,” and I’d say, “But nobody knows that, and I don’t want to LOOK pregnant,” and she’d reply, “But people will see that it’s the dress and not you,” and then sensibly she’d tell me to take it off and discard it because I’d either never wear it, or wear it and spend all night obsessing over what people think is happening in my womb. So. This is the dilemma here. I also am not wild about how that seam bisects her chest. Just thought I’d throw that in there. But: green! Such a nice green! So you might as well vote it up:

First, the green:

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Coyote Fugly


This isn’t a dress, to me, so much as an infomercial.

It’s part Snuggie, part sweatshirt, part poncho: the Snugshirtcho. Call now and get free instructions for how to turn it into a tent that houses three, and they’ll throw in a ripcord so you can deploy it as a reserve chute — you know, on those days when you’re up in a tiny plane hanging out watching movies and eating popcorn, before you realize you’re due at a party in half an hour. If I had a nickel…

[Photo: Getty]

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