I wanted to begin the slideshow way I had hoped the series would’ve ended: Georgina Sparks, wearing somebody’s hand mirror on her neck, staring with narrowed eyes at some unknown target. I was praying for a spinoff — The Georgina Monologues, or Sparks & Recreation. Anything. Sigh. Instead, the show reveals the non-burning secret: WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL? I honestly always liked that the show just treated her as omniscient evil and never tried to make much of a mystery out of her identity, but I know they had to do SOMETHING, and apparently, the Seinfeld-style ending where they’re all left in prison for the good of society wasn’t on the table.
I’m not kidding: The ENTIRE Chuck Bass subplot this week hinged on that old myth parents tell their kids about how their suddenly absent, cherished family pet got sent to a wonderful farm. Next week, someone will learn that Santa isn’t real.