What the heck was in the Secondary Character Watercooler over at Glee?
This is what you’d get if Jessica McClintock had designed Julia Roberts’ hooker dress from Pretty Woman.
With an assist from Playtex:
Yellow owned the Globes; on this night, nary a sunshine-hued frock showed itself, replaced instead by a bevy of deep pinks and purples straight out of my tooth-rotting seventh-grade candy fetishes. Which isn’t a bad thing. Seriously, Nerds were the best. I mean, of course now it seems so OBVIOUS to take a sucrose crystal and then glaze it with carnauba wax. But back then, boy, Willy Wonka seemed like some sort of brazenly colorful top-hatted wizard. Wait a minute… Albus Dumbledore, is that you?
This one makes me so sad.
Amber Riley is SO much cuter than this, and she looked great at the Golden Globes – in fact, she looks great USUALLY. Remember this? So can we all just look away from her giant boob bow — better, I suppose, on her boobs than her butt, a la bridesmaids of yore all over the world — and pretend this never, ever happened? Thanks. I feel better now.
How do we feel about this, Fug Nation? I’ll tell you my thoughts, because I’m pushy like that: Great hair, but totally forgettable gown, except for the slit that goes up so high it’s practically barging in on the peace summit between her pubic bone and her hip. Maybe that’s why she spent the whole night wrangling that slit like the rent was due. Child, we see it. We can’t NOT see it. For the love of God, don’t SWISH IT, because I really, really don’t want a reason to finish the dirty limerick that is starting to form in my head.
On first sight, I correctly predicted this would turn out to be Marchesa. Once the go-to designer for diaphanous, girly gowns with precise and pretty detail, it’s now synonymous with Crack Explosion/Tacky Mermaid.
I also said it looks like a partridge-hunting accident. And, with regrets to the poor pear tree that once housed the accursed bird, I stand by that. Oh, Lea. You should NEVER go out dressed as Kate Middleton’s acid flashback of the first time she had to shoot fowl with the Queen. It looks like you’re wearing a bra made of death.