Fug File: Fug the Ad

Fug the Ad: Kim Kardashian GOLD


A scene from GFY HQ:

JESSICA: I think I’m going to write about Kim Kardashian’s HEINOUS GOLD perfume ads.

HEATHER: I hope the perfume is called Heinous Gold. I’d buy that.

And SCENE.

The problem, of course, is that for the Kardashians to call one of Kim’s Precious Income Sources something like Heinous Gold, they’d have to have a sense of humor and when it comes to marketing Kim, they do not. I would like to say, however, for the record that I think KHLOE has a sense of humor, and I ALSO predict here and now that Khloe and Lamar will be married longer than Kim and Kris. I’d also like to say, ALSO for the record, that I am pretty sure this…thing….in this photo is not Kim Kardashian at all, but, in fact, a WAX FIGURINE of her. And, listen, I’ve often said that I want a clone — before realizing that my clone, being my clone, would argue with me about not wanting to do the ironing either — but if you’re truly going to go all the way and make a ROBOT SELF, DO NOT send the ROBOT to do your HEINOUS GOLD perfume ads. The robot makes personal appearances at which it can be silent, and sits in on business meetings. The robot CAN NOT be your public face and if you start thinking it can, you NEED A VACATION. TAKE A VACATION, KIM. TAKE A LONG, LONG VACATION. FAR AWAY. FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE. Can I suggest THE MOON?

 

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Fug the Poster: The Secret Circle


Here’s MY question: Is the ad campaign for The Secret Circle SUPPOSED to look like the cover of a particularly juicy Lois Duncan novel? Because, if so, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ditto if we’re supposed to be worrying about WhatsHerNuts from Life Unexpected accidentally setting her hair on fire with her own as-yet-untapped Majickal Flame-y Hands. At least, I ASSUME that’s her hand. It sort of seems to be emerging from the bottom of the frame like Carrie’s hand from the grave at the end of (spoiler!) Sex and the City 3. Whoops, I mean, Carrie.  And while OBVIOUSLY I was planning on watching The Secret Circle regardless (teen witches from The Vampire Diaries people is right up my alley), if there IS a disembodied fiery hand in the cast, I am EXTRA in.

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Fug the Ad: Project Runway


So, coincidentally, I’d been meaning to fug this ad even before Jessica linked to it yesterday, because it’s on a bus stop near my house and it makes me INSANE, which is not a good thing when you are driving a car. Caveat: I do not blame Tim Gunn for this. I’m sure he just did what they told him to do.

Let’s examine the pros and cons what this ad could possibly convey to a casual passer-by:

1) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and I’m still employed.” Pro. He was the only sane one of all the show’s elders last year.

2) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn. Can you believe Gretchen won last season? I KNOW.” Pro. See above.

3) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and I have SUCH a migraine. My doctor says I’m clenching at night.” Con. We don’t want Tim to be in pain.

4) “Hi, I’m Tin Gunn, and this isn’t a job. It’s WORK. Oy.” Con. Next time, put the “it” somewhere less stupid so people can see it, rather than assume Tim’s complaining.

5) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and these cast members are all so terrible that you will watch the show with this expression on your face every single time.” Con. I have enough wrinkles.

6) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and this is what 90 minutes feels like this time around.” Con. The show shouldn’t look like a slog before it even starts. Let us get five minutes in before we feel that way.

7) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn. Seriously, no, you didn’t dream last season.” Pro — we are glad Mondo really happened — and also Con, because SERIOUSLY, in the span of one episode, Nina went from deriding Gretchen’s collection as mere clothes, then loving it and branding it a winner, with naught but a styling tweak? No.

8 ) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and I really should have gotten a raise.” Con. Tim always deserves more.

9) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and WHAT IS HEIDI WEARING?” Pro. Admit it.

10) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn. Just… don’t even bother.” Con. Or is it a secret pro?

TOTAL: Four pros, six cons. Or 4.5/5.5, depending on how you voted on that last one. But frankly, if you are an ad, and there are ANY cons to your message, then you have problems. And after the protested end to last season, Project Runway can’t really afford to make itself seem like, well, work.

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Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson


I guess I FANCY YOU must be the Daytime Slacks version of J Simp’s other perfume, FANCY NIGHTS. And her other, other perfume, FANCY LOVE. Seriously, at this point, I legitimately think she is just working up to being allowed to sell something called FANCY: I LOVE THAT REBA MCENTIRE SONG FANCY: I CAN’T CLOSE MY MOUTH: NOT WITHOUT MY OXYGEN. Sure, it sounds like a Lifetime movie, but you can’t tell me that FANCY NIGHTS does not.

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Fug the Ad: Justin Bieber


SOMEDAY…

… this will be less pervy and illegal.

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Fugcome


This is Emma Watson, shooting a Lancome campaign in Paris — excuse me, Lancôme; you know the hat over the O must matter because Emma is also wearing a hat. Synergy! However, I hope this ad looks better in motion, because in still frames she looks like the love child of Charlie Chaplin and Chloe Sevigny — a child, in fact, that the world should rue does not exist, because THINK of the Fug Madness seedings.

[Photos: Splash News]

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