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Fug File: Fug the Ad
In the category of Most Half-Assed Movie Poster Ever, I give you the new front runner.
Where to begin?
a) If you don’t have enough celebrity faces to fill a grid, and have to use a placeholder consisting of of stock photos of people embracing and booze, then DON’T MAKE A GRID OF CELEBRITY FACES.
b) If you’re going to go against all common sense and what I just told you, and make that hideous grid of celebrity faces, maybe use photos from the actual movie and not, like, random pictures of Ashton Kutcher that you got off LiveJournal and a screen grab of Hilary Swank from PS, I Love You.
c) I look forward to reading the email Lea Michele has surely sent SOMEONE about this monstrosity, in which she rails about how she has been rendered literally unrecognizable. Because her face has never looked like that. Ever. That picture looks like it was flipped to be a mirror image of itself. We all know what Lea Michele looks like (pretty; prone to hilarious fierceness) and this is not it.
d) To Jessica Biel, Ashton Kutcher, Hector Elizondo: you are currently over your limit of Movies Named After/Set During Major Romantic Holidays. If you were playing the same character in this movie as you did in Valentine’s Day — perhaps the worst movie I’ve ever seen on a plane, and that includes Employee of the Month — then we would give you a pass, but you are not, according to IMDb. If, at any point in the next forty years, any of you appear in movies titled Mother’s Day, Labor Day, or Arbor Day, you will be asked to leave the 310 area code immediately and be banned from ever returning. (Note: should you be cast in a remake of Independence Day or Halloween, you will be allowed to appear before a council of your peers [currently consisting of James Van Der Beek, The Rock, and SWINTON] and make a case for special dispensation.)
e) To all celebrities everywhere: the only people sincerely delighted by the prospect of a movie with THIS MANY PEOPLE in it are the ones who work in PR and those of us who know that, at the very least, the premieres will yield some useful photographs for our blogs. Everyone else finds it exhausting. Word to the wise.
A scene from GFY HQ:
JESSICA: I think I’m going to write about Kim Kardashian’s HEINOUS GOLD perfume ads.
HEATHER: I hope the perfume is called Heinous Gold. I’d buy that.
The problem, of course, is that for the Kardashians to call one of Kim’s Precious Income Sources something like Heinous Gold, they’d have to have a sense of humor and when it comes to marketing Kim, they do not. I would like to say, however, for the record that I think KHLOE has a sense of humor, and I ALSO predict here and now that Khloe and Lamar will be married longer than Kim and Kris. I’d also like to say, ALSO for the record, that I am pretty sure this…thing….in this photo is not Kim Kardashian at all, but, in fact, a WAX FIGURINE of her. And, listen, I’ve often said that I want a clone — before realizing that my clone, being my clone, would argue with me about not wanting to do the ironing either — but if you’re truly going to go all the way and make a ROBOT SELF, DO NOT send the ROBOT to do your HEINOUS GOLD perfume ads. The robot makes personal appearances at which it can be silent, and sits in on business meetings. The robot CAN NOT be your public face and if you start thinking it can, you NEED A VACATION. TAKE A VACATION, KIM. TAKE A LONG, LONG VACATION. FAR AWAY. FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE. Can I suggest THE MOON?
Here’s MY question: Is the ad campaign for The Secret Circle SUPPOSED to look like the cover of a particularly juicy Lois Duncan novel? Because, if so, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ditto if we’re supposed to be worrying about WhatsHerNuts from Life Unexpected accidentally setting her hair on fire with her own as-yet-untapped Majickal Flame-y Hands. At least, I ASSUME that’s her hand. It sort of seems to be emerging from the bottom of the frame like Carrie’s hand from the grave at the end of (spoiler!) Sex and the City 3. Whoops, I mean, Carrie. And while OBVIOUSLY I was planning on watching The Secret Circle regardless (teen witches from The Vampire Diaries people is right up my alley), if there IS a disembodied fiery hand in the cast, I am EXTRA in.
So, coincidentally, I’d been meaning to fug this ad even before Jessica linked to it yesterday, because it’s on a bus stop near my house and it makes me INSANE, which is not a good thing when you are driving a car. Caveat: I do not blame Tim Gunn for this. I’m sure he just did what they told him to do.
Let’s examine the pros and cons what this ad could possibly convey to a casual passer-by:
1) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and I’m still employed.” Pro. He was the only sane one of all the show’s elders last year.
2) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn. Can you believe Gretchen won last season? I KNOW.” Pro. See above.
3) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and I have SUCH a migraine. My doctor says I’m clenching at night.” Con. We don’t want Tim to be in pain.
4) “Hi, I’m Tin Gunn, and this isn’t a job. It’s WORK. Oy.” Con. Next time, put the “it” somewhere less stupid so people can see it, rather than assume Tim’s complaining.
5) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and these cast members are all so terrible that you will watch the show with this expression on your face every single time.” Con. I have enough wrinkles.
6) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and this is what 90 minutes feels like this time around.” Con. The show shouldn’t look like a slog before it even starts. Let us get five minutes in before we feel that way.
7) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn. Seriously, no, you didn’t dream last season.” Pro — we are glad Mondo really happened — and also Con, because SERIOUSLY, in the span of one episode, Nina went from deriding Gretchen’s collection as mere clothes, then loving it and branding it a winner, with naught but a styling tweak? No.
8 ) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and I really should have gotten a raise.” Con. Tim always deserves more.
9) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn, and WHAT IS HEIDI WEARING?” Pro. Admit it.
10) “Hi, I’m Tim Gunn. Just… don’t even bother.” Con. Or is it a secret pro?
TOTAL: Four pros, six cons. Or 4.5/5.5, depending on how you voted on that last one. But frankly, if you are an ad, and there are ANY cons to your message, then you have problems. And after the protested end to last season, Project Runway can’t really afford to make itself seem like, well, work.
I guess I FANCY YOU must be the Daytime Slacks version of J Simp’s other perfume, FANCY NIGHTS. And her other, other perfume, FANCY LOVE. Seriously, at this point, I legitimately think she is just working up to being allowed to sell something called FANCY: I LOVE THAT REBA MCENTIRE SONG FANCY: I CAN’T CLOSE MY MOUTH: NOT WITHOUT MY OXYGEN. Sure, it sounds like a Lifetime movie, but you can’t tell me that FANCY NIGHTS does not.