[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]
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[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]
Here are my feelings: I like everything about this but her face. And her stance. And I suppose her hands in her pockets. And the fact that we have totally seen that dress like seven hundred times already. So…I like everything about it but how Kristen Stewart actually looks. Which is kind of a problem, I guess.
I have a lot to say about this movie. A LOT.
First, it’s ridiculous that they’re making a fictional movie about a book like What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Seriously, WHAT NEXT? An adaptation of The Mayo Clinic Health Book, where everyone DIES at the end? A thrilling movie based on The Vegetable Gardener’s Bible? A moving rom-com version of The Secret? (Actually, that one kind of makes sense.) THERE ARE NO CHARACTERS IN THAT BOOK. THAT BOOK IS ABOUT WHAT VEGETABLE YOUR FETUS MOST RESEMBLES IN SIZE. And before you pronounce me a baby-hater: au contraire, friend. I LOVE me some babies. No one is more excited about your pending joyous arrival than I am! No one is more excited to chat up your belly and buy you diaper cream and talk about baby names and change your baby’s diapers and smell their sweet little heads than I am. BABY IT UP. But this is absurd. Leaving aside the fact that the trailer makes me want to kill someone — in short, it’s all Womenz Be Crazy, Men Let Their Babies Eat Cigarette Butts — they SERIOUSLY couldn’t manage to get all these women in the room at the same time for the benefit of this poster? Hola Lovers over there is a shot lifted from outtakes of Maid in Manhattan. Anna Kendrick’s head just got cut out of a scene from Twilight and zapped into someone else’s not-actually-pregnant body, which was then, like, zapped through that window and forced to cower behind a sofa. Elizabeth Banks is currently plotting the bloody gruesome death of whoever approved that particular shot of her, and I don’t even know who that IS behind Cameron Diaz back there. And my WHOLE JOB is about identifying celebrities by seeing the side of their heads while they run past me at Fashion Week! Leaving aside that one time Heather and I thought we saw Gwyneth Paltrow and it turned out to be a dude, I AM SKILLED AT THIS VERY SPECIFIC THING. And yet I have NO IDEA who that is. Brooklyn Decker? Brooklyn, you need to call someone and talk about this. In fact, everyone needs to call everyone and talk about ALL OF THIS because I have never seen a poster where clearly every single woman was Photoshopped in from something else and that is counting everything that Sex and the City ever touched. (PS: I kind of miss you, Carrie Bradshaw.) STOP THE MADNESS, WHAT TO EXPECT, YOU’RE MAKING MY HEAD HURT.
In the category of Most Half-Assed Movie Poster Ever, I give you the new front runner.
Where to begin?
a) If you don’t have enough celebrity faces to fill a grid, and have to use a placeholder consisting of of stock photos of people embracing and booze, then DON’T MAKE A GRID OF CELEBRITY FACES.
b) If you’re going to go against all common sense and what I just told you, and make that hideous grid of celebrity faces, maybe use photos from the actual movie and not, like, random pictures of Ashton Kutcher that you got off LiveJournal and a screen grab of Hilary Swank from PS, I Love You.
c) I look forward to reading the email Lea Michele has surely sent SOMEONE about this monstrosity, in which she rails about how she has been rendered literally unrecognizable. Because her face has never looked like that. Ever. That picture looks like it was flipped to be a mirror image of itself. We all know what Lea Michele looks like (pretty; prone to hilarious fierceness) and this is not it.
d) To Jessica Biel, Ashton Kutcher, Hector Elizondo: you are currently over your limit of Movies Named After/Set During Major Romantic Holidays. If you were playing the same character in this movie as you did in Valentine’s Day — perhaps the worst movie I’ve ever seen on a plane, and that includes Employee of the Month — then we would give you a pass, but you are not, according to IMDb. If, at any point in the next forty years, any of you appear in movies titled Mother’s Day, Labor Day, or Arbor Day, you will be asked to leave the 310 area code immediately and be banned from ever returning. (Note: should you be cast in a remake of Independence Day or Halloween, you will be allowed to appear before a council of your peers [currently consisting of James Van Der Beek, The Rock, and SWINTON] and make a case for special dispensation.)
e) To all celebrities everywhere: the only people sincerely delighted by the prospect of a movie with THIS MANY PEOPLE in it are the ones who work in PR and those of us who know that, at the very least, the premieres will yield some useful photographs for our blogs. Everyone else finds it exhausting. Word to the wise.
A scene from GFY HQ:
JESSICA: I think I’m going to write about Kim Kardashian’s HEINOUS GOLD perfume ads.
HEATHER: I hope the perfume is called Heinous Gold. I’d buy that.
The problem, of course, is that for the Kardashians to call one of Kim’s Precious Income Sources something like Heinous Gold, they’d have to have a sense of humor and when it comes to marketing Kim, they do not. I would like to say, however, for the record that I think KHLOE has a sense of humor, and I ALSO predict here and now that Khloe and Lamar will be married longer than Kim and Kris. I’d also like to say, ALSO for the record, that I am pretty sure this…thing….in this photo is not Kim Kardashian at all, but, in fact, a WAX FIGURINE of her. And, listen, I’ve often said that I want a clone — before realizing that my clone, being my clone, would argue with me about not wanting to do the ironing either — but if you’re truly going to go all the way and make a ROBOT SELF, DO NOT send the ROBOT to do your HEINOUS GOLD perfume ads. The robot makes personal appearances at which it can be silent, and sits in on business meetings. The robot CAN NOT be your public face and if you start thinking it can, you NEED A VACATION. TAKE A VACATION, KIM. TAKE A LONG, LONG VACATION. FAR AWAY. FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE. Can I suggest THE MOON?