Fug File: Fug Madness 2012

Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Part I


 

(1) JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. (9) KATIE HOLMES 

So, in researching this post, I realized something quite remarkable: Jessica Chastain’s ENTIRE four-page archive on our site is from this eligibility year. It’s hard to top her in volume, so Katie’s going to have to do it with quality instead of quantity. Perhaps it will suffice for you that Katie wore this black satin jumpsuit in October, and then thought, “You know what? A lace curtain is what’s going to make it sing.”

It did not. It made it STING. And now Sting is probably going to get mad at me for dragging him into this debacle even indirectly.

The rest of the year, Katie was something of a drabutante:

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Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Bjork Bracket, Part I


(6) LINDSAY LOHAN v. (14) STELLA MCCARTNEY

You know how I often judge people by whether or not I’d like to be stuck in an elevator with them? I don’t want to be in an elevator with either of these two:

Lindsay, because I would get so sad about the fact that she’s done weird things to her face, and because I would also want to have a Come to Jesus with her about Looking at Her Life, Looking at Her Choices, but that would end badly. And also because I suspect she’d spent the entire time complaining about how she’s late for something and why is this happening to her and no one understands her and she wants to win an Oscar and she really thinks she might have found true love with Terry Richardson and SHUT UP LINDSAY. SHUT UP AND PUT ON SOME PANTS.

And maybe STOP going places with Dina:

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Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Part I


(9) THE OLSEN TWINS vs. (16) KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

Much as the last round revealed undiscovered similarities between Kourtney and Katy Perry, so does this one show that she’s not — sartorially — that far of a crow’s flight from Les Deux Olsens either.

Check it: Kourtney Kaftandashian…

… and Ashley and Muumuu-Kate:

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Fug Madness 2012 Results & Round Two Matchups


Round One is in the books, and it was a DELIGHT. We had some record upsets, some sad farewells to fug icons, and some seriously entertaining matchups to come this week. Nurse your St. Patrick’s Day hangover by feasting on the prospect of these, some of which are going to be deeply hilarious — seriously, three out of four Charo bracket matchups should also be reality shows, and Ke$ha’s next opponent is PERFECT for her. The full, updated bracket is also after the jump.

 

 

(2) ROONEY MARA vs. (7) HEIDI KLUM – Tuesday

Rooney muscled past Brangelina with 64 percent of the vote, and Heidi put down our beloved SWINTON by the identical margin. Math may explode when they compete in round two.

(3) VANESSA HUDGENS vs. (11) TYRA BANKS – Tuesday

We think Lucy Hale might’ve had legs this season, had she not run up against Hudgens’ reign of trouser terror. Ninety-three percent of you pushed The Hudge through to this round, where she’s drawn the fiercest of them all, Ms. Tyra Banks. She scared off Michelle Williams with 82 percent of your vote.

(4) MILEY CYRUS vs. (12) CHLOE SEVIGNY – Monday

Chloe Sevigny sneezes bigger than the number of votes her opponent Selena Gomez got, so she and her 85 percent trot into round two, into the face of another tweenlet: Miley, who beat back a very strong fug arsenal from Olivia Munn and captured 64 percent of the vote.

(9) THE OLSEN TWINS vs. (16) KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN – Monday

Only once before has a sixteen seed knocked out a top seed in Fug Madness, and the similarities are eerie: In our inaugural year, an upstart named Courtney Peldon beat her sister in the play-in game, and then took down Lindsay Lohan in round one. This year, an upstart named Kourtney beat BOTH her sisters in the play-in game, and then bested Katy Perry. I’m going to have to start calling her Kourtney Peldashian. Anyway, her 63 percent of the vote puts her against the sullen Olsens, who knocked out the sunny one with help from 76 percent of you. The symmetry of a girl who defeated her sisters against twins who defeated theirs is so beautiful. I think our Internet randomizer might secretly be controlled by Intern George.


We have got some GOOD ones coming

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Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part II


(4) SARAH JESSICA PARKER vs. (13) MELISSA GEORGE

God bless Fug Madness. Without having to pore through our archives, I would COMPLETELY forget that things like this ever happened.

That hair looks like it’s trying to run away. Amazing. It’s amazing. I have been laughing for five minutes now. Did she ride there by hanging her head out the limo?

Unbelievably, I also forgot that this happened:

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Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Charo Bracket, Part II


(2) RIHANNA vs. (15) ANNE HATHAWAY

Two women who have a history of making terrible terrible life choices with regards to their menfolk.

And their outfits. For example:

ANNE HATHAWAY. I know you showed your boobs in Love and Other Drugs, a movie I hated so much that I spent the entire time hoping against hope that your character would die at the end, but THIS IS NOT YOUR BRAND. Also awkward:

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