Fug File: Fug Madness 2011

Fug Madness 2011: Sweet Sixteen preview


It’s getting goooooood up in here, y’all… Here’s a look at who’s playing whom at the end of this week. Look at the choices you have wrought!

Thursday: (1) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (5) LINDSAY LOHAN

T-Momz is a powerful force of fug, garnering 96 percent of the vote against Diane Kruger; LiLo, who is possibly living out Momsen’s future, snagged 75 percent of the vote in defeating Drew Barrymore.

Friday: (2) KE$HA vs. (6) FABIOLA BERACASA

This one ought to be good. Ke$ha has been tough so far, making it here by beating Katerina Graham with a whopping 84 percent of the vote. Fabiola knocked out Hayden Panettiere with 66 percent of the vote. Also, it smells like bacon in my house right now. I’m sorry, I just had to mention it, because I just noticed, and it is heavenly.

Thursday: (2) NICKI MINAJ vs. (6) CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Christina beat back Katie Holmes — actually, she kind of squashed her, with more than 80 percent of the votes being cast in her favor. And Mia Wasikowska’s fashion was apparently so depressing that only thirty percent of you could bring yourselves to cast a vote to advance her, making her Nicki Minaj’s latest victim.

Friday: (1) LADY GAGA vs. (5) PAZ DE LA HUERTA

Interestingly, last year it was Amber Rose — the eventual champion — who knocked out Lady Gaga in the Final Four. This year, they met in the Sweet Sixteen, and Amber didn’t prevail. Although she gave Gaga the biggest challenge she’s had to date, Amber could only get 44 percent of the vote, ensuring that Fug Madness will still never have had had a repeat champion. Next up for Gaga is the indomitable Paz, who beat Various Kardashians with 58 percent of the vote.

Thursday: (1) RIHANNA vs. (13) RYAN CABRERA

Sayonara, Carrie Underwood. She was no match for Rihanna, who captured 66 percent of the vote. Meanwhile, Ryan Cabrera and his rogue nipple keep running roughshod over the competition. This time he dispensed with Julianne Moore and her giant sleeves, with a hearty 73 percent tally.

Friday: (2) THE FAMILY SMITH vs. (6) MISCHA BARTON

Mischa didn’t just beat Leighton Meester, our three seed — she KILLED her. Leighton wore a SEE-THROUGH LACE JUMPSUIT, and yet Mischa got 82 percent of the vote. That there is a rousing endorsement of her fuggery. But can Mischa put down The Family Smith? They collectively booted Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen by a two-thirds majority.

Thursday: (2) MILEY CYRUS vs. (3) LEONA LEWIS

Miss Miley put down Fug Nation’s own beloved SWINTON — correctly and justifiably, I think — with 89 percent of the vote, and Leona booted newcomer Florence Welch by nabbing the support (or disdain?) of three-quarters of the voters.

Friday: (1) KATY PERRY vs. (5) JESSICA SIMPSON

Surprise hit Shenae Grimes ran into an immovable object in J.Simp, who captured 62 percent of the vote on her way to victory. Katy Perry topped Chloe Sevigny with 59 percent of the vote. Better luck next year, Sev.

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Fug Madness, Round Two, Part Two: Madonna Bracket


(1) KATY PERRY v. (8) CHLOE SEVIGNY

Oh, Katy Perry. At least you’re never boring. And we know what you’d look like if you took up ice dancing:

Or took a gig as a Victoria’s Secret Too-Tight Floral Bustier Spokesperson:

(The Too-Tight Floral Bustier is one of their lines, right? Like the Very Sexy Bra Whatever, and the Naughty Little Secret Undie Something or others.)

In fact, I think this is likewise from Victoria’s Secret:

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Fug Madness, Round Two, Part Two: Charo Bracket


(3) LEIGHTON MEESTER v. (6) MISCHA BARTON

There is something delightful about the fact that we’ve got the once (and future?) queen of the Josh Schwartz Teen Dramas up against the current one. Well. Maybe not for them.

Considering how awesome The OC was during its height, this photo is sort of sad for multiple reasons:

A) Poor Marissa Cooper now has a FAILED reality show PILOT that wasn’t even PICKED UP, and:

B) those shorts, dude.

But look!

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Fug Madness, Round Two, Part Two: Bjork Bracket


(1) LADY GAGA v. (9) AMBER ROSE

Just another morning for Lady Gaga, going out dressed  like a condom on Good Morning America:

Yes, she literally said that outfit was based on condoms, to promote safe sex. Which, okay, safe sex IS important. But, like, so is preventing heart disease and I’m not going out wearing a cardiac stent.  (Parenthetically: how much are we in love with woman standing right behind Gaga, with her mouth agape? You can just assume that’s the expression on my face every single day of the year, all the time.)

I’m not sure what this outfit is to promote:

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Fug Madness, Round Two, Part Two: Cher Bracket


(6) FABIOLA BERACASA v. (14) HAYDEN PANETTIERE

Well, this is a weird match-up. The New York socialite/wacky fashionista versus….that girl who was on Heroes.

THIS is heroic:

Wait. Maybe the word I’m thinking of is, “brave.” Or maybe “misguided.”

I might apply the same adjective to this. Or maybe “wacky” or maybe also “stupid.”

This one, I would just call, “INSANE.” And “nipply.”

Speaking of nipples:

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Fug Madness, Day Two Results


Let’s preview what’s going down tomorrow. She is involved:

So embarrassing. I’m actually wearing this right now.

(6) FABIOLA BERACASA v. (14) HAYDEN PANETTIERE

Two upset winners, poised to go head-to-head: will Fab’s wacky fashionista craziness be able to take down Hayden’s Lamb-Dressed-As-Mutton Old for Her Age style? Hayden easily dispatched Halle Berry — the only time Halle Berry will probably lose to Hayden Pantywaist — but Fabiola is cracked out, you guys. This is going to be a close one.

(10) KATERINA GRAHAM v (2) KE$HA

If anyone can take down the girl who spent a lot of last year walking around with a plastic head on a stuck — Ke$ha — it’s the girl who opened one of her YouTube videos by saying, “So, I wear these harem pants almost everyday!” On the other hand, Ke$ha beat her round one opponent, Anna Kendrick, with a GIANT 86% percent of the vote. She might be unstoppable.

(1) LADY GAGA v. (9) AMBER ROSE

Gaga beat Madonna with 77% of the vote, which actually makes me think that she could be taken down this year. Will Defending Champ Amber Rose bring the goods to do it? She sure didn’t have a problem beating Michelle Williams. (To, we suspect, the vast relief of the erstwhile Jen Lindley.)

(5) PAZ DE LA HUERTA v. (4) VARIOUS KARDASHIANS

Fug Nation loves them some Paz de la Huerta — and I’m with you on that. But do we really think Paz can take out ALL THE KARDASHIANS? There’s like sixty of them, and they’re all wearing bandage dresses and carrying jaunty canes. They certainly easily dispatched the Widow Longoria. And SHE went into the fight wearing a pork chop.

(6) MISCHA BARTON v. (3) LEIGHTON MEESTER

The battle of the Josh Schwartz starlets! Leighton certainly has the LIFE advantage — she has a job, for one thing — but Mischa beat her round one opponent, Christina Hendricks, more easily than Leighton got rid of Tom Brady. On the other hand, Christina Hendricks wasn’t bringing Bieber hair to the table…

(10) MARY KATE ASHLEY OLSEN v. (2) THE FAMILY SMITH

It’s the Olsen Family v. the Smith Family in the battle of the Child Stars. Mary Kate/Ashley eventually dispatched GOOP in round one, but Gwynnie put up a good fight, getting 37% of the vote. On the other hand, the Family Smith continued their path for World Domination by smashing Aubrey O’Day, who only got 20% of your vote.

(1) KATY PERRY v. (8) CHLOE SEVIGNY

Well. This one could be interesting — it’s the age-old match-up of Kooky Sparkle Singer versus Kooky Indie Actress. Although these ladies’ could not have a more dissimilar wardrobe, this one could be close. Note: I would pay money for The Sev to show up somewhere wearing a spangled dress in the shape of an ice cream cone.

(5) JESSICA SIMPSON v. (13) SHENAE GRIMES

Whoa.

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