Fug File: Fug Madness 2011

Fug Madness 2011, Elite Eight: Madonna Bracket


(2) MILEY CYRUS vs. (5) JESSICA SIMPSON

Interesting matchup here. I suspected Miley Cyrus might really make a run at the title, but Jessica Simpson’s success, I did not anticipate. Beating Katy Perry is no mean feat. As I said to Jessica yesterday, “Who knew good ol’ Jessica Simpson would have legs in ths thing?” And yet:

It’s as though Jessica were planning ahead for that wordplay. Much like I am concerned she was planning ahead for her run in Engaged To A Giant Lunkhead Madness, and also, Actual Madness Madness.

Miss Miley, however, wants you to know that she has legs as well.

and they’re legs for… if not days, at least an hour

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Fug Madness 2011, Elite Eight: Bjork Bracket


(1) LADY GAGA vs. (2) NICKI MINAJ

Apparently, yesterday, Lady Gaga turned twenty-five. I wonder if a quarter-life crisis can explain this.

Like, she cracked under pressure of all that’s come before, and wants to be reborn as something different. Or, she’s a huge David Blaine fan. Suddenly I’m rooting for them to hook up. LaDavid Blaiga would be my new favorite couple, and as an added bonus, he might make her disappear.

Because she’s so exhausting. I mean, who wears this to go shopping?

for your consideration

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Fug Madness 2011, Elite Eight: Charo Bracket


(1) RIHANNA v. (6) MISCHA BARTON

Rihanna easily dispatched Ryan Cabrera to get here, ending his unexpected reign of hair-terror (hairror?), but Mischa Barton ended up beating the Family Smith by only the barest of margins, eventually squeaking to a win by approximately 100 votes after days of back-and-forth drama. If she were a basketball team, this is where the play-by-play dudes would note that she is probably EXHAUSTED.

She might be exhausted, honestly. I don’t know her life:

But how could that skirt not perk a girl up a bit? I feel peppier just looking at it.

Also, er,

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Fug Madness 2011, Elite Eight: Cher Bracket


(1) TAYLOR MOMSEN v. (2) KE$HA

This match-up — between wild child singer/actress/tragic-try-hard Taylor Momsen, and  freaky prop-enthusiast/singer/van der Beek fan Ke$ha , both of whom won their way into the Elite Eight as easily as you or I would pop down to the corner store to buy a bag of Cheetos –is brought to you by the letter W.

As in, “WHAAAT?”

WHAT ELSE?

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Fug Madness 2011 Sweet Sixteen: Madonna Bracket, Part II


(1) KATY PERRY vs. (5) JESSICA SIMPSON

Both these ladies are so, so subtle.

Yes, clever thought, Katy — we’d NEVER have been able to see those if you hadn’t hunched. Especially because you’re so habitually shy about them.

“But wait,” she notes. “I am not the ONLY person in this matchup with boob-presentation issues.”

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Fug Madness 2011, Sweet Sixteen: Charo Bracket, Part II


(2) THE FAMILY SMITH vs. (6) MISCHA BARTON

Sometimes I wish my life had a soundtrack — like, every sidewalk would be a catwalk for me if I had the right background music. And I think Jada Pinkett Smith lives that.

Like, you don’t wear that outfit (or, in Willow’s case, this one) if you’re not hearing something seriously badass in your head — like, a Jay-Z song, or “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner, or of course the Dynasty theme song as re-imagined by Britney Spears (which, also, let’s please get someone on that).

Whereas I think Mischa is walking to something a bit more depressing:

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