Fug File: drinking games

The Official GFY Downton Abbey Christmas Special Drinking Game

In preparation for this weekend’s two-hour Downton Abbey season finale, otherwise known as the (very seasonal here in the United States) Christmas Special, we present The Official Go Fug Yourself Downton Abbey Christmas Special Drinking Game. You know there will be REVELATIONS! And DRAMA! And HATS! So put on your best evening gloves, pour yourself some champagne, and  please join us. (You can catch up with all of this season’s recaps here, if you need a refresher.)

But first! Some seriousness:  if you do booze it up, please be of legal age and and do not drive and definitely stop before you break your liver/text your ex/fall into a pig pen/get lost forever (?!?!?!) in Germany, etc. We need you alive to comment on whatever happens in this episode come next week (and in general).

BEHOLD THE RULES. We’re so close to being caught up with the lucky folks in the UK who’ve already seen all of these episodes, and that’s definitely something to drink to. I’d like, in fact, to propose a toast to everyone who has seen this season already and hasn’t spoiled those of us who haven’t gotten yet in the US. You guys are awesome.

And now, with no further ado:

Drink once if:

  • Edith cries.
  • Anna cries.
  • Thomas threatens Baxter with vague mentions of her past
  • Someone receives a proposal.
  • Someone gets a Meaningful Letter.
  • Cora behaves like a nitwit
  • Something Intriguing happens at The Very Busy Telephone Table
  • The director cannot resist This Glamorous Shot From The Landing.
  • The Downton Pigs are mentioned and/or spotted.
  • The word “murder” is used.
  • Bates is self-involved
  • Anna references Bates’ tendency to murder and doesn’t seem that upset about the moral implications
  • Thomas gets a vocal dressing down, deserved or otherwise.
  • Something nice finally happens to Poor Molesley.
  • Daisy whines about something.
  • Jimmy is told to shut up.
  • There’s a sizable time jump
  • The Dowager Countess gets the best line of the scene.
  • Isobel does something she perceives as helpful
  • Tom wonders aloud about his political beliefs.
  • Anyone makes mention of modern conveniences (e.g. a refrigerator, a sewing machine)
  • The habits of Americans are remarked upon.
  • The romantic habits of Mary are remarked upon by Cora, to Lord G, in a way that suggests she thinks Mary needs to Get Some
  • Mary kisses Mr. Blake
  • Rose acts swoony over someone
  • Someone name-checks Matthew
  • Someone name-checks Sybil
  • One of Edith’s parents actually notices that something is very wrong with her.
Drink three times if:
  • The Dowager Countess cries
  • Thomas threatens Baxter with specific mentions of her past
  • Someone accepts a proposal.
  • Cora behaves brilliantly
  • There is a sizable time jump in the middle of the episode
  • Someone announces that they’re really in the mood for some good murdering.
  • Mary wears something that isn’t purple, grey, or black.
  • Mary kisses Lord Gillingham
  • The romantic habits of Mary are remarked upon by ANYONE in a way that suggests EVERYONE thinks Mary needs to Get Some
  • Rose kisses someone family-approved
  • Ivy and Daisy act like friends
  • Any of the Upstairs women wears a repeat frock.
  • Anyone mentions Alfred
  • Young Pegg reappears
  • Isobel Crawley gets properly kissed
Chug if:
  • Carson cries
  • Thomas says nothing about Baxter and her past whatsoever (because otherwise what is the POINT of that whole thing?)
  • Mary kisses Evelyn Napier
  • Edith keeps the baby
  • Rose joins a convent
  • Mary Gets Some
  • Edith is genuinely happy for herself
  • Anyone looks as much older as they’re supposed to look given how many years have passed
  • Mrs. Patmore expresses an extreme interest in using modern technology
  • A single, eligible Upstairs man comes to Downton who does not declare himself for Mary
  • A single, eligible Downstairs man comes to Downton and does declare himself for Daisy
  • Tom falls in love with someone extremely rich and snooty
  • Dr. Clarkson gets properly kissed

Drink everything in your house if:

  • They actually find that blasted Gutenberg Bible.

The Official GFY Liz & Dick Drinking Game

Tonight at 9 p.m. (depending on where you live, so check your listings), Lifetime presents one of the most hilarious and terrible — hilarrible, if you will — TV movies of our time. Future generations will turn to us and say, “Grandma, where were YOU when Lindsay Lohan laid waste to Elizabeth Taylor’s memory?” And you may be able to look at little Kumquat or Xerxes and say, “Honey, I was passed out on the sofa.” Because reviews suggested that Liz & Dick would make a good drinking game, and who are we to ignore a gauntlet like that?

In all seriousness, though: We know Fug Nation needs to drown its collective sorrows about Larry Hagman’s passing, but we can’t recommend that you actually attempt to DO this game, much less do it in its entirety, for fear of major liver distress and/or some serious incapacitation (and obviously, if you do booze it up, be 21 and do not drive and stop before you puke yourself inside-out, etc). We need you alive, Fug Nation, so we strongly advise you switch to Diet Coke at the second commercial break. As you watch, though, feel free to add your own rules in the comments, and don’t forget: We will be live-tweeting the movie — we are @fuggirls — starting at 9 p.m. Eastern time tonight (Sunday), and a proper Fug the Fromage will follow. Basically, it’s going to be a real Liz&Dickapalooza.



Drink whenever:

  1. Liz and/or Dick drink — but not as much as they do. My god. Get a hold of yourself.
  2. Linds-as-Liz says something meta re: celebrity/the press/the paparazzi.
  3. Poor Grant Bowler is forced to quote Shakespeare, Donne, or anyone else you’d have read in English 101, because RICHARD BURTON IS OF THE STAGE!!!!
  4. Someone wears a sheet or a towel instead of proper clothing.
  5. Lilo’s eye makeup is more compelling than her acting.
  6. You spy a bar cart in the shot (this movie has a LOT of bar carts in it — like, a lot — in part because there is no better way to indicate that your protagonists are alcoholics).
  7. You think, “Wait, what YEAR is this supposed to be?”
  8. You think, “Wait, who is THAT person supposed to be?”
  9. Someone throws something at a wall.
  10. Someone throws something at someone else’s head and hits the wall instead.
  11. Someone collapses and/or awkwardly drops dead.
  12. Jewelry is purchased.
  13. There is discussion of how fat/old Liz&Dick are supposed to be, despite the fact that Lilo&Bowler are wearing neither age makeup nor fat suits.
  14. You think, in spite of yourself, “That outfit is actually REALLY cute.”
  15. You think, “Lindsay should actually wear [X] more often in real life.”
  16. Lindsay seems to briefly attempt an accent, and then abandons it.
  17. You accidentally think, “Huh, that was a good line.”
  18. Any actor appears to have a moment of clarity, wondering what the hell he/she is actually doing working in this trainwreck.
  19. You find yourself using the set to window-shop.
  20. You find yourself mentally recasting the movie with someone more age-appropriate than Lilo.
  21. You find yourself mentally recasting the movie with someone not at all age-appropriate, but more talented than Lilo.
  22. Drink again if at any point you find yourself accidentally drinking at the same time as anyone else on the screen.
  23. Someone — okay, Lindsay — appears in a caftan.
  24. Someone — okay, Bowler — is forced to wear a man-fur.
  25. Lilo wears a head scarf.
  26. Lilo wears a turban.
  27. The turban is fur? CHUG.
  28. Two months from now, go on a bender if Lifetime works its Client List juju and Lohan gets nominated for a Golden Globe (if Lifetime further works its Client List juju and gives Lohan a Liz & Dick series, we might as well all just give up).