Fug File: BORING


I don’t even know what to do with Ellen Page. She is young, talented, and cute. I do not know why she dresses like such a DEPRESSIVE. This has got the most zing of anything she’s worn in ages, and it’s still kind of a bit of Drabby from Drabsville.

[Photo: Splash News]

I just zipped through her archive on one of our big photo houses, and she’s been photographed wearing a color to a major event ONCE since 2008. Everything else is basically this:

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CFDA Fashion Awards Fug Carpet: Jessica Stam

Oh,  Jessica. J.Stam. Stammy. Stamalamadingdong. Uzbekistam. Stammy Jo Carrington.

We’ve seen this a bajillion times already, from Vanessa Hudgens, Kate Beckinsale, Liv Tyler, Courtney Love… and countless others, and this may be the most boring iteration yet. Well, excluding the giant necklace, which reminds me of nothing so much as those Twist Beads that were super popular in the ’80s, where you paired up whatever colored strings you wanted and then twisted them together and fastened them with one clasp. I don’t think we need those to come back in, though, so let’s forget I said anything and just focus on the zzzzzzzzzzz.


Sigh: Cynthia Nixon

You know, Cynthia Nixon gets a bad rap. People joke a lot about Miranda being the ugly one or the plain one or whatever, and that bugs me — I think Cynthia Nixon is lovely, and that she got stuck with the BORING label largely because she happened to have the worst hair in season one. And it really was bad. So bad. But those days are past us now.

Anyway, it’s a good thing I suspect Cynthia Nixon doesn’t care about dumb stuff like that (and knows it’s crap to begin with), because this dress is not helping matters. Sarah Jessica Parker wore neon, Kristin Davis wore vivid pink, Kim Cattrall got chartreuse with sparkles, and Cynthia got this:
It’s fine and everything, and her eye makeup looks great, but it’s just so drab compared to the others. Maybe that’s how she likes it, but it seems unjust to me. Brighten it up, folks! Miranda is as important a part of that show as the other three, so she ought to have just as much fun. It reminds me of in the last movie, when everyone else blew through obscene amounts of couture, and they put Miranda in the $100 (or whatever) dress that then went on sale at Macy’s. Now, I have no problem with Macy’s or $100 dresses, obviously, but it’s like somebody sent out a memo that was all, “Remember, Miranda is REGULAR,” and I kind of wish she’d get a storyline where she becomes a raging shopaholic just so she can get a turn going through fifty high-fashion costume changes in an hour. I’m in your corner, Miranda. Cynthia. Whichever. BOTH.

Oscars Fug Carpet: Kate Winslet/Well-Played Carpet: Helen Mirren

Helen Mirren is one of those actresses on whom we both have a raging lady-crush, and it’s because she both owns her age and looks freaking fantastic for it. She is the Meryl Streep of England, both in terms of acting respect and overall fabulosity.

Except, of course, this is NOT Helen Mirren. This is Kate Winslet, who hopes that in twenty or thirty years we are calling her the MerylHelen MirrenStreep of the world. But tonight, I am calling her BORING. This is so blah and aging that I keep staring at the skirt, expecting to find that it’s actually trousers — worse, SLACKS, which is my least-favorite word for that particular article of clothing because it evokes support hose and panty-lines and frumpy pleats and that old “It’s Pat!” sketch from Saturday Night Live.
In fact, I think Helen Mirren OR Meryl Streep could have worn this — throw Sigourney Weaver into that mix too, actually — and we’d have said, “What a classy dame.” But Kate Winslet isn’t even thirty-five yet. So while I’m delighted she didn’t strut the red carpet in cut-out lace while arching her back like a long-lost Hilton sister, there is a lot of acreage between that and Emcee of the St. Agnes Hospital Auxiliary Board Meatloaf Buffet and Silent Auction. She is young and gorgeous and has a body I would weep with glee to inherit. Work it harder, sister.
Which brings me to ACTUAL Helen Mirren:

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Golden Globes Well-Played/Fug Carpet: T-Bone Streep and Jeanne Tripplehorn

When Meryl “T-Bone” Streep walked up on stage to accept her award last night, I said to Heather, “THAT is the dress Jeanne Tripplehorn thought she was wearing.” To wit, Ms. Streep, who is wearing  — to our great delight — what our friends at Project Rungay tell us is a Chris March design:

T-Bone looks relaxed and very Meryl, but still chic. It’s always a relief when she avoids looking, as Sharon Stone so articulately put it, like an unmade bed. (Though Sharon both claims she was misquoted and may have been talking about Meryl’s face, which, for the record, I think looks freaking great. Thank GOD Meryl’s face hasn’t turned into some kind of frozen Madonna-esque kabuki mask. What would Mamma Mia have been without Meryl mugging adorably?) Three cheers for La Streep — if only because every time I see that clip from Julie and Julia where she chirps, “BONJOUR,” I ALSO chirp “BONJOUR” and then I feel happy, but also because I think she looks grand in this. (Also: dude, Chris March! MERYL FREAKING STREEP. We don’t know you personally, but we are so happy for you.)

But on the other side of the Understated Black Dress Coin, we’ve got Jeanne “Wife Number One” Tripplehorn:

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Fug or Fab or Unfug: Halle Berry

It is unusual indeed that I look at a picture of Halle Berry and think, “Eh. Halle doesn’t look that great.”

Because she is Halle Berry, and she usually looks great regardless of outfit. But this just fills me with eh, meh and feh, with a dash of blah and whole lot of BORING. Am I correct, or has Sharon Stone just ruined me for anyone else? Can this be fixed? Should it be fixed? How? Why? When? Where? Who? SO MANY QUESTIONS.


Ugly Fugly and Fug or Fab, America Ferrera

Well. America Ferrera looks fantastic from the neck up.

From the neck down, on the other hand, she looks like sgaeyqi0o8hy6YNHBBBBBBBBZPGIOJI3UUUUUUU 3RUtGXDHHHOoooooooqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq.

Excuse me. I’m so sorry. I just lost consciousness, due to FLAMING FIERY BOREDOM. I mean, sure, this is fine if you’re going to court to contest a speeding ticket or to a meeting of your co-op board at which you will be questioned for hours regarding a loud and inappropriate Beer Pong party you may or may not have had, or to sign your will. If you are a twenty-four year old actress, and you are not in Halloween costume as Katie Couric, however, it is unacceptably SNOOZEVILLE. Plus, it is doing her youthful bod no favors.

Later, America changed into this:
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