Fug File: book shenanigans

MESSY winners!


Hey, remember how we have a new novel out? It’s called MESSY:

You should probably read it! And big congratulations to the winners of our SPOILED/MESSY prize pack, who had to come up with the plot of Brick Berlin’s newest action flick, Dirk Venom V: V is For Five. We had an incredibly hard time narrowing this down to three winners, so….we decided not to, and will instead be giving away four prize packs! (Winners, check your email.) A round of applause for the following:

Annie S.:

Dirk Venom’s (Brick Berlin) career is in freefall. Injuries, tropical diseases and the love of too many fast women have taken their toll, and the Rolodex of International Do-Gooders in Costume is considering forcing him into early retirement. Never one to take a situation lying down – unless the situation was blonde with legs for days – Dirk vows to prove himself worthy of RIDIC’s continued loyalty. Armed with intel gleaned from various sketchy sources, our hero finds himself in Pleasant Valley, Iowa, where Dirk has it on good authority a ring of Soviet crime lords are plotting to take over the world. Their headquarters? Happy Days Retirement Home, which Dirk infiltrates as an orderly. He is shocked to discover that no one at Happy Days ever seems to die, but rather are removed by their twenty-something grandchildren who look suspiciously like younger versions of themselves. After seducing the head nurse, Dixie Normous (Kim Kardashian), Dirk uncovers a lab hidden under the game room. He hacks into the poorly secured computer system and learns that the Soviet spies have invented a “fountain of youth” serum that they plan to sell to the world’s wealthiest tycoons, politicians, crime lords, and Hugh Hefner. They’ve been testing it on the residents of Happy Days, who are now equipped with super-strength – and flamethrowers hidden in their walkers and bayonets in their canes. A battle ensues, and Dirk manages to blow up the laboratory…but not before being injected with the serum. Dirk passes out and wakes up in RIDIC’s headquarters…twenty years younger than he had been before. (Young Dirk is played by Zac Efron.)

Stay tuned for the reboot of the “Dirk Venom” franchise: Dirk Venom VI: VI-Pack Abs.

“Zac Efron clearly owed someone a lot of money to agree to do this film.” – Peter Travers

Abby:

Dirk Venom is back in a sassy tale of revenge and mathematical espionage.

Venom has finally uncovered who murdered his beloved Grandmother and namesake, Dirkemina Venom VII. Hell bent on revenge against Cornelius Grochenvitch, Venom gets his old gang back together for one last mission.

The V5 gang of Dirk Venom, sexy mathematician Sloane ‘Square’ Root, ex-felon and thug Garfield Mott, computer hacker Ronnie McRube and the reluctant, retired Taiwanese spy No Iseyu, travel to Izvizzicm in Eastern Russia to find Grochenvitch.

But when they finally corner Grochenvich (the gripping chase includes an 23-and-a-half minute fiery rollerblade chase, the longest in action movie history), what they discover is more than they bargained for- Grochenvitch has spent his years devising devious mathematical codes, which if entered into the CIA mainframe will release prisoners from jails around the world and turn celery into a carb. As the team readies themselves for one last push to topple Grochenvitch, Venom spots a face in the window of Grochenvitch’s mansion- a young man who has Venom’s distinctive rippling locks and devil-may-care gleam in his eyes- and a shocking family secret is uncovered: Dirk Venom has a long lost brother.

Can they free Trip Venom (named after Dirk’s eccentric Auntie Trippletta Venom III) , break Cornelius Grochenvitch’s evil mathematical equation and lose five pounds before Saturdays big event?

If anyone can save his brother and keep the world safe from the clutches of evil and carbs, it’s Dirk Venom- the man who always gets the bad guys, ravages the ladies, and avoids snacking between meals.

Erin:

Thinking his life of crime fighting was behind him, Dirk Venom hung up nunchucks and holstered his gun – all to live with his new partner in love, Velvet LeBlanc. Together, they settled into a life of anonymity in a small New England town; he teaching mediation and yoga; she working in the local library. But their vacation from crime was cut short when Erik VanderPacey and his band of prep school zombies escaped the confines of their ivy covered walls to descend upon the residents of Westerhampville.

In V is for Five, Dirk and Velvet partner with local crime fighters Sherry Tequila, Vince DePants and Lilo Swag to create their very own Fox Force Five and take on this not-so-merry-band of prep-zombies before their brain eating spreads south and takes over New York City. With Rihanna as Velvet, Emma Watson as Sherry, Peter Dinklage as Vince and Maggie Smith as Lilo. James Van Der Beek joins the cast as a creepy zombified version of his Dawson’s Creek self, leading the zompocalypse of popped-collar polo-wearing undead.

Susanne:

Dirk Venom in a Dynasty Mash-Up!

Dirk Venom, now a burnt out shell of his former world-saving self, is hitchhiking across the country. Somewhere in Colorado, he accepts the wrong ride, and wakes tied up in a fourposter bed on silk sheets. In sashays a gorgoeous creature in a golden dressing gown- Alexis Carrington (played by Joan Collins, naturellement). While sipping her morning champagne, Alexis explaines her reasons for kidnapping Dirk. He is the only man masculine enough to execute her master plan- to seduce Krystle (played by Cate Blanchett) away from Blake Carrington once and for all. If Dirk refuses Alexis will unleash a virus that will crash the Internet. Yep, all of it, including Dirks own Facebook page. Terrified, our hero sets out to save us all. Car chases, golf court explosions, computer hacking, big guns & bigger hats follow. Also an accidental seduction of Sammy Jo (played by Miley Cyrus) on a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire (obvs). Weird sexual tension occurs between Dirk and Blake Carrington, which is both explained and a surprise twist, when it turns out Blake is played by Tilda SWINTON.

Will Internet be saved? Will Dirk come to terms with his conflicting emotions (was he really physically attracted to a woman over 40?!!)? Will Alexis bitchslap Krystle, Sammy Jo AND Dirk? Can you fit a diamond encrusted turban in a golf cart? FInd out this summer in V is for Five!

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MESSY Giveaway


Guess what officially comes out today? Our second young adult novel, MESSY. And we’re giving away an awesome prize pack! Want to win it? READ ON:

First of all, we can’t wait to meet you at one of our upcoming book signings — so far, we’re at:

– The Barnes and Noble at the Grove in Los Angeles on June 20 at 7 p.m.

– Vroman’s in Pasadena on June 24 at noon

– Books and Greetings in Northvale, New Jersey, on July 17 at 6 p.m.

– WORD in Brooklyn on July 18 at 7 p.m.

If you’re in the area, please come say hi! We love people. And we don’t want to be sitting there alone braiding each other’s hair.

What’s MESSY about? Let us tell you:

After a rocky start in SPOILED, Brooke Berlin and her newly discovered half sister, Molly Dix, have settled into something like sisterly love, but the drama is far from over. Now that Brooke’s caught a taste of fame and her movie star father’s attention, she wants to launch a blog that will position her as the ultimate Hollywood insider. But between schoolwork, party-planning committee meetings, and spa treatments, she hardly has the time to write it herself… Enter Max McCormack, an aspiring author with a terrible after-school job pushing faux meat on the macrobiotic masses of La-La Land. Max reluctantly agrees to play Brooke’s ghost-blogger for an impressive salary, and the site takes off, but how long can their lie last? In person, Brooke can’t live up to the intellectual wit of openbrooke.com, and Max soon begins to resent hiding her genius behind a bandage dress-wearing blonde. Can the girls work together to stay on top, or will the truth come out and ruin everything they’ve built?

Cue dramatic music here. Other questions that you may have, if you’ve read SPOILED (which you don’t have to in order to enjoy MESSY, although of course we’d advise it): What’s up with Molly and Teddy? Will there be a sequel to Brick Berlin’s magnum opus Avalanche!?  Has Jennifer Parker booked another late-night infomercial? You will have to read it to find out: As of right this moment, you can get MESSY on Amazon, on Barnes and Noble.com, AT Barnes and Noble in person, at Sam’s Club when you’re off buying your giant tubs of BBQ sauce (we know how you roll), at independent book stores everywhere, and for the Nook, the Kindle, and in the Apple iBooks store. And at libraries.

And, for a lucky three of you, from US. In honor of the book’s publication, we are giving away a SPOILED/MESSY prize pack that includes: a paperback of SPOILED, a brand new MESSY hardcover (both signed, of course), a MESSY-branded mirror, and three bottles of OPI nail polish in I’m Not Really a Waitress, That’s Hot!, and Yodel Me On My Cell.

The contest: Those of you who’ve read SPOILED know that Brick Berlin (aforementioned movie star father, and avowed enemy of carbs) starred in a tremendously popular action movie series about a renegade hero by the name of Dirk Venom (think Mission Impossible meets Die Hard meets Batman meets flamethrowers). As MESSY opens, Hollywood is rumored to be planning a fifth Dirk Venom movie, working title: Dirk Venom: V Is For Five. Ah, Roman numeral humor. Never leave us. Anyway, your challenge: Please run down for us, in the comments, the plot of said film (basically: you are making up a cracked out action movie, no need to have Extensive Brick Berlin Knowledge…although that would not hurt). The best three win.

The deadline: This is open until 9 p.m. Pacific time on SUNDAY, June 10.  All entries must be in the COMMENTS below, not emailed to us. And, finally, this contest is open to ALL READERS (I will mail this prize packet to Zimbabwe if you live there). Good luck, and have fun!

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LA Times Festival of Books


The LA Times Festival of Books is this weekend!  On Sunday, April 22,  Heather and I will be signing books at 11:00am at the Mysterious Galaxy booth (that’s booth #372), then appearing on The Young and the Restless panel on the YA Stage at 1:30 along with awesome authors Deb Caletti and Joanna Philbin, and THEN signing AGAIN after the panel (sadly, this panel is not about The Young and the Restless, but we are pleased to be on a panel named after a soap opera — it feels apt). The first three people at each signing will get a free, signed advanced copy of MESSY! It’s all free and open to the public — no tickets are needed for events at the YA Stage.  So come out and see us — or any of the other of authors who will be there!

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Fugging It Up at the Festival of Books


It is not often that Jessica and I can say, “Come for half the cast of The Sound of Music, and stay for us.” But today we can: We will be on a panel (and doing signings) at the L.A. Times Festival of Books later this month, on the very same day that three faux-Von Trapps AND JULIE f’ing ANDREWS are also making appearances. I KNOW. We are totally going to peek in on those.

First, our signing and panel (and giveaway!) details:

  • We’ll be on the YA stage on Sunday, April 22, at 1:30 p.m., alongside National Book Award finalist Deb Caletti and our imprint-mate Joanna Phibin. (You can watch me try really hard not to tell her that her father Regis was at my college graduation and that I love him.)  The good people at the festival tell us you don’t need to reserve tickets for our panel (it will be outdoor seating, so just show up), but you should tweet them at @latimesfob if you want to know more specific details, or ask us and we will find the answers. Sadly, we have the misfortune of being scheduled opposite Betty White, but hey, maybe we’ll get a lot of overflow traffic from that. Octogenarians are, after all, YAs at heart.
  • We will also be doing two signings: One at 11 a.m., location TBD, and then one again immediately after the panel. So bring or buy a copy of Spoiled and we’ll scribble sweet nothings — or strange somethings — in it for you.
  • AND FINALLY: We will hand ARCs of our follow-up novel, Messy, to the first three people at each signing. That’s a total of six. See? I AM using math at work! (Also: if you haven’t entered to win an ARC, the contest ends THURSDAY, so get to it.)

As for the Von Trapps, at noon — right when our first signing ends, conveniently — the actors who played Kurt, Louisa, and Gretl are discussing their memories of The Sound of Music at the Etc. Stage, and Julie Andrews is on the Target Children’s Stage at 12:55 p.m. to talk about her latest book. But… I mean, she’ll BE there, at the festival, presumably with time to spare. Don’t you think she could conceivably swing by on the sly and then pop out from behind a curtain and say, “KURT! That’s the one I forgot! God bless Kurt”? I would faint. Actually, I will faint if she shows up in the author green room. If she goes to that panel I will just applaud while shoveling a sandwich into my mouth.

I wish you could all come to the Festival of Books, but we sincerely hope those of you who are local will consider coming by — to say hi to us, yes, but also to bask in the literary awesomeness of it all. Books are the best. Live it.  The complete schedule is here. We’ll let you know more about where to find us for the first signing as soon as we know, and we can’t wait to see you there!

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MESSY Monday Giveaway


We are so stoked about this giveaway.  As we mentioned in our 10,000th post, Heather and I have a new book coming out (so if you’ve been meaning to pick up the first one, Spoiled, now is a good time). The great Mindy Kaling blurbed it, and everything. We are excited:

It’s called Messy, it’s a follow-up to Spoiled (with all the usual suspects present and accounted for — Brooke, Molly, Teddy, and, obviously, Brick Berlin, given that he’s never met a sequel in which he didn’t feel the need to star), and it comes out June 5th, 2012, just in time for y’all to read it by the pool accompanied by a be-umbrellaed beverage. What is it about? Let’s take a squizz at the back cover:

Now that Brooke’s caught a taste of fame and her movie star father’s attention, she wants to launch a blog that will position her as the ultimate Hollywood insider. But between schoolwork, party-planning committee meetings, and spa treatments, she hardly has the time to write it herself…
Enter Max McCormack, an aspiring author with a terrible after-school job pushing faux meat on the macrobiotic masses of La-La Land. Max reluctantly agrees to play Brooke’s ghost-blogger for an impressive salary, and the site takes off, but how long can their lie last? In person, Brooke can’t live up to the intellectual wit of openbrooke.com, and Max soon begins to resent hiding her genius behind a bandage dress-wearing blonde. Can the girls work together to stay on top, or will the truth come out and ruin everything they’ve built?
You will have to buy the book to find out… unless, of course, you win this giveaway. Heather and I are giving away three (3) Advanced Reading Copies this week! (You’ll even get the original cover.)
THE TASK: Please compose an acrostic of the word MESSY — as a reminder, an acrostic is a poem in which the first letter of each line spells a word when read vertically, in this case, MESSY (so the first letter of the first line would be an M). The subject of your poem is the Hollywood star who has, in your opinion, the messiest closet/personal life/car/yacht/career. Extra points for originality (in other words, unless the 75th poem about Lindsay Lohan is really, really tremendous, it will probably not win).

THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by 9 p.m. Pacific time on THURSDAY NIGHT. This contest is open to ALL READERS. If I have to mail this thing to Siberia, I will.

THE PRIZE: I just told you, dude. An ARC of Messy. Autographed and everything!

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GFY’s 10,000th Post: A Thank You, A Reveal, And A Trip Down Memory Lane


Oddly, we almost missed this milestone — it wasn’t until the middle of Fashion Week that Jessica and I realized GFY was coming up on a major click on the odometer, and by the time we realized it would happen mid-Oscars, it was too late to plan a fireworks display or a contest or choreograph a flash mob. We can’t believe it’s been this long, and at the same time, it feels like just yesterday that we were covertly putting up one or two posts a day at our desk jobs while also begging people for photo rights. It’s our honor to have pumped out this much content; it’s an even greater privilege that you guys have stuck around to read it, shared the site with your friends and family, and supported us when we needed it most — through births and deaths, Olympics tweet-a-thons, Sarah Michelle Gellar e-mailing us, the Fug Book and the debut of our first novel, Spoiled, and its attendant book signings, which were a highlight of our lives (we will never forget the girl who brought us a map of local Diet Coke establishments, or autographing pictures of J.Lo, Kindle receipts, that one copy of Don Quixote, and the pretty, pretty copies of our hardback baby).

And given how you guys have come all this way with us, we would — if you’ll pardon the pimpage — like to share with you something forthcoming that we’re super, super excited about: the cover of our next novel, Messy, which looks anything but.

Messy, which comes out June 5, 2012, is less a sequel to Spoiled than a follow-up. Brooke co-narrates, Molly is very much present and accounted for, and Brick Berlin still intones things of deepest importance about protein shakes and yoga, of course. But the other POV shifts to Molly’s friend/Teddy’s sister Max. As the book jacket says:

Now that Brooke’s caught a taste of fame and her movie star father’s attention, she wants to launch a blog that will position her as the ultimate Hollywood insider. But between schoolwork, party-planning committee meetings, and spa treatments, she hardly has the time to write it herself…
Enter Max McCormack, an aspiring author with a terrible after-school job pushing faux meat on the macrobiotic masses of La-La Land. Max reluctantly agrees to play Brooke’s ghost-blogger for an impressive salary, and the site takes off, but how long can their lie last? In person, Brooke can’t live up to the intellectual wit of openbrooke.com, and Max soon begins to resent hiding her genius behind a bandage dress-wearing blonde. Can the girls work together to stay on top, or will the truth come out and ruin everything they’ve built?

And LOOK HOW PRETTY designer Liz Casal made that cover. It will look so great next to Spoiled. They are kin but not identical, like the Deschanel sisters of book jackets. Or maybe Elizabeth Olsen and one of the twins. Or Beyonce and Solange, although to our knowledge, neither of our books will be wearing this anytime soon.

Thank you again for all the Internet and in-person hugs, the loyalty, and above all, the fun. Can’t wait to see you at 20k, although you may not want to look at me — I SHUDDER to think what my brow furrow will be doing by then. And after the jump, a tribute to the acting sisters who, at least in part, inspired it all. Sniffle. We’ve come so far, we lost them at a rest stop and don’t know where they went.

You are going to love these

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