Fug File: blue

BAFTAs Well Played: Jessica Chastain

We’ve been talking for a while about how all the coats Jessica Chastain wears in and out of the theater for The Heiress are really great.

Well, in keeping with the “Forget It, I’m Cold” theme of the BAFTA night, she finally got a chance to deploy one on a bigger stage. And you’ll be happy to know — unless for some reason you are an anti-Chastite — that what she had on under it worked really nicely too:

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Chastain

Well, we’ve got the color and some great makeup working in her favor.

But I really hate the random hip ruffle, like she bumped up against something. I’m also not sure if she passed the shoe test or not. Basically, from the neck down, I am trying — much like that bodice — to be supportive, but I’m not sure how sincerely I can do it without getting all zero dark blurty with her about how she is always SO CLOSE, SO VERY CLOSE, and yet never with the cigar, and I know cigars cause cancer and everything but JUST TAKE IT. PLEASE TAKE THE DAMN CIGAR. IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO THWART THE HACKNEYED SAYING.

In other words, maybe I am too exacting with her, or maybe I just want her to be fabulous more than her stylist does.

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[Photos: Getty]


Amusingly, And Nearly Well, Played: Katy Perry

It’s nice to see Katy Perry with regular hair and human makeup, as it feels like those moments have been few and far between since she jettisoned Russell Brand.

But listen, it’s going to be hard to pull off a cape with as much grace and panache as Gwyneth did at the Oscars. This looks like part ofan old negligee set she ripped apart after Hulking out over a Liz & Dick┬árerun.┬áBut at the same time, there’s something hilariously melodramatic about it — I mean, I CAN imagine her swanning around her house with that thing tied up under her chin, swilling a martini and hissing something about sins of omission, and I bet she had fun swooshing through the party. Plus, the dress underneath has potential. I’m afraid it might only be lined just above her chest and barely past her crotch, but if it went all the way down (and even as-is), it could be truly lovely. So I’m giggling about the amusing novelty cape she’s taped to her delts, pleased that she’d attempting glamour underneath it, and very, very curious whether she’s still dating John Mayer, because seriously, how does that guy DO IT? Is his tongue made of Diet Coke or something?

[Photo: Getty]


Fug or Fab: Julianne Hough

So, my Houghdar has been off for y’all, lately — I didn’t hate the Packham, and I dug the suit. So I’m throwing this one to the wolves of Fug Nation and letting you vote it up.

Obviously, I have Thoughts. One of which is that the tube top is dopey. Those suckers are hard to wear and rarely move the way anyone wants them to, across an entire evening. I’ll give her that it makes her look longer, but that’s about it. And from the front it makes her look like her chest has been ironed flat…

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Oscars Smartly Played, Katie Holmes

Much like how Angelina’s sudden and relentless game of Pop Goes The Thigh will always make me laugh (seriously, that was SO over the top that she HAS to have lost, or won, a bet, right?) so too will Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes always seem crazy to me. I know it’s been seven years, but whenever I see them together, I still think, “Really? This REALLY happened?”

However, Katie automatically gets a Well Played for resisting the temptation to design her own Oscar gown, thus forcing us to acknowledge that Holmes & Yang is still a real thing. But lets check out the full view and see if it wins on its own merits:

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Fug Time

First of all, we came perilously close to buttcheeks with this outfit:

Perilously Close to Buttcheeks is the name of my next novel.

Let’s look at the front:

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