Fug File: athletes

Vanity Fair Oscar Party Fug Carpet: Serena Williams

Why are there TWO dresses at this party with thigh details? By which I mean, the thigh IS the detail:

That might have been so pretty if it weren’t suffering continental drift.

[Photo: Getty]


Super Bowl: Namathly Played, Joe Namath

PHIL: Listen, ref, can’t you do something?

TERRY McAULAY: What would you have me do, exactly?

PHIL: You’ve got the flag in your belt. Throw it. Throw some laundry on this play.

JOE: What are you talking about?

TERRY: Sorry, Phil. I just don’t see a foul here.

PHIL: Aw, come on! Neutral zone infraction? If he lined up near the ball that thing would fall across the line for sure.

TERRY: Nope.

PHIL: Unnecessary roughness? To the animal?

TERRY: That’s not for me to judge. It might be faux.


JOE: You don’t know my life.

PHIL: Yes, I do. You’re Broadway Joe. You wear fur coats. You’ve even probably worn this one before.

JOE: Well, then, it’s vintage. BAM.

PHIL: Unsportsmanlike conduct, then?

TERRY: In what way?

PHIL: In the sense that nobody will even notice me standing here if he’s wearing that thing.

TERRY: Phil, I’m sorry. The rules specifically state that any Super Bowl held in the state of New Jersey can and should be treated as if it’s being played on the ice planet Hoth, regardless of the game time temperature. Hell, Jimmy Johnson was walking around with actual tauntaun guts packed inside his coat and you didn’t say anything.

PHIL: Well, I’m not with Jimmy. Listen, Terry. Don’t make me sic Greg Gumbel on you. He looks cuddly but he’ll floss your teeth with your jugular as soon as look at you.

TERRY: Sigh. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to run afoul of the Gumbel Machine.

JOE: This is boring. I’m going to find the Red Hot Chili Peppers. May the furs be with you, always. MIC DROP.


TERRY: Disgraceful. Let’s call that an illegal hit. Fifteen yards and fifty grand.

PHIL: I knew you’d see things my way.

[Photo: Getty]


Grammy Party Fug Carpet: Victoria Azarenka

Vika here went down in the quarterfinals of the Australian Open, and got booed by the crowd, which apparently decided last year that Azarenka has a sportsmanship problem (she took a medical timeout in the semi-final at a questionable time).

I’ve decided this dress is her response. She’s saying, “What sportsmanship problem? If I weren’t a good sport, would I wear this thing and smile at the same time? I’m going to get crucified! It’s a pin-striped bag! I’m not even sure the designer was finished with it when I took it! See? GOOD SPORT! LOVE ME, AUSTRALIA. Or at least, don’t hate me, France, because you’re the next Open and Mama needs a payday for some new formalwear.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Fabs and Fabbers: The US Figure-Skating Championships

First of all, thank you so much for your patience in waiting for this post. We were traveling, and then I got run over by the Globes/Critics Choice Awards/SAGs train BUT I AM BACK and we have a LOT of falling down, illusion netting, and crotches to discuss. Also: I can’t believe that none of you told me that Rachael Flatt is wearing white skates now! VICTORY IN OUR TIME! (Well, except for Rachael. Poor Rachael. Just go back to college, girl.) Also also, we clearly need to talk about Ashley Wagner’s epic crack-up and how she ended up making the team anyway, which I understandthe Deadspin article I linked to last week called it the Marta Karolyi effect (if only US women’s figure skating was anywhere near as tight as US women’s gymnastics was in 2012) — but I still think feels a little unfair, perhaps because I just enjoy the drama of having nationals be, essentially, the Olympics trials and if you screw up, it just plain old sucks to be you.  AND ALSO ALSO ALSO we need to talk about how the Olympics is now having team skating. SO MUCH SKATING!

[Photos: Getty]


Fug the Uniform: The USA in Sochi

Well, here’s one way to ensure Canada will take the gold (AGAIN) in the event that really counts: winter clothes. If you make a sculpted Olympic athlete look terrible… WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE, RALPH?

[Photos: Ralph Lauren]


Naked Fuggerday: Cristiano Ronaldo

This feels relevant to Fug Nation’s interests.

You’re not the goalie, Cristiano. No hands on the balls. ZING. This poorly constructed zinger is brought to you by Lone Star beer and a sleepless night.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]