Fug File: ANTM

Fugbrey F’Fug


Seriously, is Aubrey O’Day bored? I thought she was taking a break from Danity Kane to do Hairspray. Are you telling me she has no time to work with the band that made her famous while she’s on Broadway, but she DOES have time to hang out at TRL and chit-chat all the time wearing dresses with built-in capes?

Maybe not the best use of her time. I’m just saying.

This is, however, better than any of the t-shirts, headbands, and briefs Aubrey is selling (because these days pretty much any person with a Mystic Tan account also has a clothing line). We should all say a quick prayer of thanks that Aubrey has decided not to run around town hawking her own wares. But the tragedy of it is that ANTM winners Jaslene and Caridee were dragged into the fracas. It’s like Aubrey’s only editorial directive was that all the girls should hang open their mouths in a semi-drugged stupor:
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Fug’s Next Top Model


Oh sweet God, Jaslene:

[Photo: Splash News]

My sweet Cha Cha Diva. My most favorite of the ANTM stable of winners. My darling child.  Why would you do this to me? Why why why why why? Why aren’t you wearing a shirt? Just as a toaster is not pants, and a soap dish is not a purse, a blazer is not a shirt. It just isn’t. I need to know why you’re now dressing like Bai Ling. I fugged Bai Ling yesterday. I know Bai Ling. Jaslene, you are no Bai Ling. Please pull it together immediately. Thank you.

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BET Awards Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Toccara


Remember Toccara? The first plus-sized woman who actually mattered on America’s Next Top Model? The one who kept chicken under the bed and then mysteriously lost her personality after a brutal photo shoot where the clothes didn’t quite fit? I loved her. Especially for the chicken thing. If I wasn’t so skeeved out at the idea of not refrigerating my chicken, I can’t promise I wouldn’t want a secret stash under the bed, especially if I were sharing a house with a bunch of hungry bitches who might sleepwalk their way into my corner of the icebox.

Anyway, I’m thrilled Toccara didn’t drop off the face of the planet like so many ANTM alums; instead, she’s working for BET and has done two seasons of Celebrity Fit Club — the latter of which presumably led to her look like this:

She’s teeny now. But my question is, does she look TOO skinny? And does the dress work, or is she squishing herself into it just to make a point? Trust me, I know a girl can’t always control whether her chest downsizes apace with the rest of her, but I’m thinking Toccara probably could’ve started a few sizes larger with the dress and then had the bottom part tailored to her. Nobody would’ve known, and we’d all be sitting here going, “DAMN, she looks hot,” as opposed to, “Damn, that makes my boobs hurt.”

Aw, and yet, I don’t want to take away from all the hard work she put in for that bod. One of the things I really liked about Toccara was how she embraced being
“juicy,” to use Miss J’s favorite word for it, but if she’s genuinely
healthier now, then that’s great. More power to her. Just
don’t COMPLETELY quit the chicken on us, babe, or else there won’t be any of you
left.

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Daytime Emmy Fug Carpet: Tyra Banks


Over the past several years, I have had many different feelings about Tyra Banks, ranging from, “This show is brilliant,” to, “Oh my god, is Tyra singing?” to, “Her wig is spectacular today.” And yet until now I never looked at her and thought, “Is Ty-Ty Baby matching her hair to her dress?”

During recent election coverage, political strategist/super delegate/talking head Donna Brazile explained her role in the Democratic party to Anderson Cooper by saying, “I wear many wigs.”  As does Tyra (literally and figuratively). She runs her own media empire, but also teaches young women everywhere the importance of elongating the neck. She is a failed pop star, but also a super successful talk show host. She has provided countless hours of Top Model marathons, artfully constructed to destroy weekend productivity around the world, but also suffers from a debilitating fear of dolphins. But one wig I’d never thought I’d see her take on was the one of the woman who matches her hair to her dress. Tyra! You’re many things, but bland is not supposed to be one of them!
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Daytime Emmy Fug Carpet: Well Played, Eva Whatever


Back when she won ANTM, she was Eva Pigford, and she was sporting a hideous blonde haircut courtesy of Tyra’s minions. But now, she’s Eva Marcille, recent signee to a contract role on The Young and the Restless — which is incredibly boring these days despite the fact that I just realized this is the third post today on its cast members’ outfits — and guest at the Daytime Emmys. I’m rather relieved to say that Eva The Diva classed it up nicely for the occasion.

I can say from experience that Eva Pigford is not a tall person, and presumably Eva Marcille has not gotten shin extensions; ergo she’s done a great job picking a dress that is not only pretty but which lengthens her. And thank GOD, she’s kept the hair darker, which suits her better. The accessories are perfectly subtle. In all, this is rather a success — made sweeter, I’m sure, by the fact the rival she bested in that season’s finale, Yaya, seemingly did not attend the Emmys despite having been a contract regular on All My Children for weeks longer. Here’s hoping that their two daytime gigs intersect in a deliciously bitchy continuation of their ANTM feud, leading to a Tyra Banks Show episode in which Miss T has to moderate their sniping and ends up flipping her weave on both their sorry asses. In fact, maybe that has been the plan all along. Tyra, you madcap genius you.

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NYFug.com


Well, ANTM X is officially in the books, and although there was nary an endearing/terrifying/jaw-dropping nutter like C6′s Jade in the bunch — tranny-lite Dominique came closest, but get back to us when she’s writing beat poetry in the confessional — the cycle yielded three fairly well-matched finalists who actually TALKED to each other instead of sitting around eating breakfast in sullen silence. Over at New York‘s site, we debated the merits of the big finale.

Jessica: I especially enjoyed the moment when Miss J was like, "OF COURSE WHITNEY HAS ISSUES! SHE SO FAT!" And Tyra had to step in and be like, "She is only MODEL FAT. Not REALLY fat."

Heather: Now that’s a PSA in the making.

Jessica: I do think I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I’m not sure what it is, but I know it’s valuable.

In a show of love for our overseas readers, we won’t say who won, because we’re feeling charitable today. But if you want to catch the rest of our impressions of the victor, her two bounced competitors, and the overall episode, click on over to read the full column.

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