Fug File: ANTM


Well, ANTM X is officially in the books, and although there was nary an endearing/terrifying/jaw-dropping nutter like C6′s Jade in the bunch — tranny-lite Dominique came closest, but get back to us when she’s writing beat poetry in the confessional — the cycle yielded three fairly well-matched finalists who actually TALKED to each other instead of sitting around eating breakfast in sullen silence. Over at New York‘s site, we debated the merits of the big finale.

Jessica: I especially enjoyed the moment when Miss J was like, "OF COURSE WHITNEY HAS ISSUES! SHE SO FAT!" And Tyra had to step in and be like, "She is only MODEL FAT. Not REALLY fat."

Heather: Now that’s a PSA in the making.

Jessica: I do think I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I’m not sure what it is, but I know it’s valuable.

In a show of love for our overseas readers, we won’t say who won, because we’re feeling charitable today. But if you want to catch the rest of our impressions of the victor, her two bounced competitors, and the overall episode, click on over to read the full column.


NYFug.com: Handicapping the Top Model Finale

We KNOW you’re prepping for tonight’s Top Model finale the usual way: plucking your brows, practicing your fiercest walk and preparing your signature eggplant dip, Banksa ghanoush. Care to make it….interesting? Yeah, that’s right. Are you, like Kenny Rogers, a Gambler? Because we’re laying odds at NY Mag.com:

"You know Tyra has been itching to anoint a girl with curves,
and frankly, we’re similarly rooting for Whitney to pull the upset — if
for no other reason than to imagine the outrage from beanpole advocates
like ex-judge Janice Dickinson. After all, if the show can’t produce an
actual top model, the least it can do is stir up a little tabloid drama."

On the other hand, do we really think she’ll win? Not entirely. See how the handicapping shakes out at NY Mag.com. (But BE WARNED: The comments to this post already contain alleged spoilers, so don’t scroll down to read them if you want to go in fresh and clean!)


America’s Next Top Fugger

It’s not that I don’t agree — or didn’t, two weeks ago when people still cared about this “scandal” — but since when does Janice freaking Dickinson have to resort to message tees to get attention? It’s called a low-cut wrap dress, girl, and you mastered it before I was born. Why mess with success?


Fug’s Next Top Model

Oh my god, Jaslene. Girl. You know I love you. Of all the Top Model winners, you might be my favorite (although who doesn’t like Danielle?). But COME ON:

Peep-toe wrestling shoes….with tights? A belted….I don’t know what to call it? A pillowcase? From the thighs up, you look like a mannequin at Forever XXI, from the bottom down you look like Sienna Miller’s next outing to the pub. What would Tyra say?



We’re all for Miss Tyra torturing a fresh crop of girls every cycle on Top Model, but some glories need to be experienced twice. Like Jade, that batshit leftover lady who assured us that elephants are in the dinosaur family, or Questionably Blind Amanda. So we put together a list of twelve girls we’d love to see face off in an All-Star season. Essentially, if you ever wanted to hear Elyse give a confessional about Jade, this could make that dream come beautifully, condescendingly, eloquently true.

Jade, Cycle 6: Too old to compete, too crazy to
ignore: Jade is the cream of this show’s deluded crop. Remember her
in-house rampage with panties on her head? The beat poetry? That
dragalicious Cover Girl ad? The hideous aging-poodle-style makeover
with shockingly fierce pictures? Jade once told housemate Furonda, “One
day I’m going to write a book, and you should read it, because you
might learn something.” Please, God, if ANTM won’t have her back, just
publish that book.

To check out the other eleven we picked, check out "Our ANTM All-Star Dream Team" on NYMag.com’s The Cut.


Brit Awards Fug Carpet: Abi/Abigail/Abbey Clancy

In light of this photograph, it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that Ms. “Make Up Your Mind, Please” Clancy is: a) a former lingerie model; b) a runner-up of Britain’s Next Top Model, dinged by the judges for being too “glamour,” which is essentially UK modeling code for “soft-core porn”; c) a WAG, or more specifically, the on-off G of toothy giant Peter Crouch; d) was allegedly dumped once by Crouch via fax; and e) tried to solidify her career by allowing herself to be taken under the musty wing of professional exhibitionist and gold-plated nutter Janice Dickinson, purely for televisual purposes.

Given all that, it may surprise you that she bothered wearing panties at all. Didn’t Janice teach her better than that?


New York Fugshion Week: More Day 3, Some Day 4

Oh, Miss Tyra, you do amuse us so. We like to call this touching portrait A Girl And Her Twinkie:

Gotta respect a woman who not only puts greasy baked goods in her mouth, but thinks it’s fun for it to happen on camera. And also, I know some people out there want us to stop yapping about Miss Tyra’s wig or weave or whatever we feel like calling it that day — it could be both, or neither; it is all things, and yet it is nothing — and we do feel you. We do. But seriously, HOW do you expect us to do that? How? We are but mortal. We adore her crazy hair. It’s impossible to resist discussing something that looks so heavy and itchy and as if it was recently shorn from the business end of a horse. So, with apologies to those non-congratulators, we not only can’t not reference it, but in fact, it gets its own affectionate section in our book  — which, shameless plug ahoy, hits stores today. The City of New York is courteously throwing a parade to honor the occasion, although I think there is some nonsense about us sharing the party with Michael Strahan and Eli Manning. Pish. We call shenanigans on that.

Here’s what we were up to while Tyra was romancing her snack cake: