Fug File: ANTM

The Twelve Fugsuits of Banksmas

The rumors you’ve heard — or spread, or ignored — are true: Tyra Banks did indeed wear a different jumpsuit/catsuit/misbegotten lady-sheath every single week of this cycle of America’s Next Top Model. And in honor of last night’s big finale, we’re presenting them to you — entirely spoiler-free I promise — in an epic that I like to call “The Twelve Fugsuits of Banksmas.” Note: The photos are sucky quality, per usual, and I’m not actually listing these in order of appearance, because I accidentally did not photograph them in chronological order. Instead, they’re in reverse order of fugliness, with the comparatively least offensive ones first.

Shall we tango? Good. 
On the first day of Banksmas, my Tyra gave to me: A suit only mildly icky. 
Seriously, this one rendered well enough on film that it could pass for tight black pants and a black shirt. Granted, my camera might just be very forgiving, but as jumpsuits go, this one embarrasses no one, except in the larger sense of being part of this conversation at all.
On the second day of Banksmas, my Tyra gave to me: sleeves that are fake-eyelashy.

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Fug’s Top Model

Oh my God, Caridee:

This is like what happens if you marry Blanche Devereux’s closet and Donald Trump’s hair-do. If that were a TV show, we’d call it, The Golden Apprentice Girl Celebrity, but as it’s apparently a fashion choice, I’m just going to call it CRAZY.


NAACP Image Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Eva “The Diva” “Pigford” Marcille

I think Eva Marcille, nee Pigford, is possibly my favorite past winner of America’s Next Top Model, though I also LOVE Jaslene. And CariDee, at the time. And who didn’t like Danielle? I loved Danielle — excuse me, “Dani.” Okay, so Eva’s got some competition. But of those girls, she was my FIRST love, and you never forget your first.  And I think I like this:

Yes, she looks a bit as though she’s been professionally gift-wrapped by a very posh department store, but I must confess that I love the neckline on this. It’s so refreshing to see someone who isn’t in a strapless gown, or a one-sleeve. It’s sort of charmingly modest, but still sexy. But I am concerned about her hair. If I may so bold, it looks a bit inspired by the aggressive combing magic worked every day by one Mr. Donald Trump. Take a look:

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Fugva Pigfugd

I am pretty sure this getup means Eva Pigford wants people to mistake her for Rihanna. But there is a flaw in her plan:

[Photo: Splash News]
Rihanna would NEVER wear pink shades from an Exxon Mobil station a denim shirt, a bikini top, and white genie pants with LEATHER SHOWER SHOES. Weak sauce, Pigford.

America’s Next Top Fugger… IS…

Last night, a new America’s Next Top Model was crowned, and as usual, the poor kid was stuck trying to enjoy her victory in a severely cracked-out dress. Now, since the finale was JUST last night, I will put the following photos behind the jump, just to forestall any angry e-mails from readers who were stuck at work/on a plane/busy burying a body and could not watch the episode in a timely fashion. So be forewarned: Don’t click if you don’t want to see who won. But DO click if you don’t care, you saw it already, and/or you are a cat and Curiosity is chasing you through the house with a large kitchen knife.
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NY Fug.com: Handicapping the Top Model Finalists

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano year after year, so can we count on one thing in this crazy life: just when you think you can wait no longer for a new CoverGirl, Tyra Banks anoints one. Yes, friends, the ANTM finale is tonight. REJOICE! As per tradition, we handicapped the finalists for NY Mag.com:

“The contest could potentially come down to intangibles like
relatability, which CoverGirl loves and country-girl Laura has in
spades. She positively oozes down-home quaintness, prone to twanging
things like “We don’t have a lot of oceans in Kentucky” and sporting
clothes made almost exclusively by her grandmother. She’s also got the
better backstory: If you don’t hear the phrase “castrating bulls” at
least three times in tonight’s episode, referring to Laura’s job before
the competition, we’ll go neuter one ourselves. (By which we mean we’ll
consider forgoing our nightly Diet Coke.)”

But who do we really think will actually win?! WHO? Pop over to NY Mag to find out. I know the suspense is killing you.