Fug File: animal print
KHLOE KARDASHIAN: God, I hate it when they make me pose with you.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Why? We’re sisters? We, like, love each other, and stuff!
KHLOE: Because I’m tall. And when they put me next to you, I look like I just landed here from the Planet Gargantua, where they roll giants off an assembly line for the purpose of world domination and getting down the food processor from the really high shelf in the kitchen.
KIM: Oh. But if we don’t pose together, then how will people enjoy our kooky animalistic prints?
KHLOE: That’s true. We went to an awful lot of trouble to look like we’re being strangled by the home-furnishing accessories available in The Sims: Gigolo Hut.
KIM: Maybe one of these drooling people can let me use his back as a stepstool and then we’ll just crop him out and slip him $5.
KHLOE: No. I’ll just squat for a second and then run like hell.
KIM: That’s like, totally brilliant, Khloe.
KHLOE: I know. I’m the smart one.
KIM: Really? Are you, like, sure it’s not me?
KIM: Okay! If you’re the smart one then I’m going to take your word for it that you’re the smart one.
KHLOE: And that’s why I’m the smart one.
The caption attached to this photo noted — diplomatically if not with great historical accuracy — that Miley is sporting a “Native American-inspired look.”
And that sound you just heard was every Native American reader of this Web site vigorously typing a press release (addressed to the entire world) in which s/he makes it VERY VERY CLEAR that her ancestors DID NOT and NEVER WOULD HAVE worn leopard print leggings. and that, in fact, they reject any connection with Miley, Billy Ray, and any Cyruses to be named later.
You guys remember that Sweet Valley High book where Elizabeth gets into a motorcycle accident and then she’s in a coma and then when she wakes up from the coma, she thinks she’s Jessica, and this leads to her acting all slutty and letting Bruce Patman — that cad! — touch her boob, and she doesn’t snap out of it until she, like, rolls off a sofa and cracks her head on the coffee table, and the force of it like KNOCKS the Elizabeth back into her? Of course you do. It’s only like the best SVH book ever.
Well, somehow they managed to keep it from the press, but judging from this picture, Fergie just woke up from a coma, and now she thinks she’s J Lo. Further proof: she wore this en route to sing the national anthem in Miami with Marc Anthony. IT’S OPEN SEASON FOR BOOB-TOUCHING, CADS OF HOLLYWOOD. At least until Josh Duhamel gets close enough to rip that hat off and clock her with something.
Paz de le Huerta is my current front runner for The Person Who Gets WAY Farther In Fug Madness Than Anticipated, a la Amber Rose:
I mean, look at this. SHE IS MAJESTIC, like the animal whose skin she sports. I would not at all be surprised to see her lick the back of her hand and start grooming herself.
Listen, Emmy people: Always nominate Chloe Sevigny. You want her on your red carpet in something long and froofy and wackadoo, not just at the post-parties in a tiny minidress that shows off her exceptional legs and makes my eyes cross:
Leopard print is fine by me; the reason I can’t sign off on this is that it’s hypnotizing me. Seriously, join me in staring at her midsection. Do you see that? How the sheen and the shadow make it look bulgy, like she’s sneaking a standard-size bed pillow into the party under her dress? What is happening? Is this like one of those old Magic Eye posters? I hope that by staring at this for ten more minutes, Vincent Gallo will appear with a handful of beard clippings and a bar of soap. Because frankly, I’ll probably get caught staring at it for ten more minutes anyway, and I’d at least like to get a laugh or a mighty shriek out of it.
RUSSELL SIMMONS: Hey, Serena.
SERENA WILLIAMS: Hi, Russell.
RUSSELL: Can we talk?
SERENA; I’m really busy right now, concentrating on posing in a way that best conceals my walking cast without falling over. Can you make it quick?
RUSSELL: I just wanted to talk about your outfit, is all.
SERENA: Sigh. This isn’t going to devolve into another conversation about Kimora, is it?
RUSSELL: NO! Not anymore. Although she does have a really –
RUSSELL: Sorry. I just like to talk about her! Anyway. I guess I’ll be going now.
SERENA: I thought you wanted to talk about my outfit!
RUSSELL: Not if you’re going to get all mad if I happen to drop the word “fabulousity” into the conversation.
SERENA: Well, Russell, “fabulousity” isn’t really a word.
RUSSELL: FINE. I’LL JUST THROW IT TO A POLL:
You know how occasionally I have complained that people’s shirts are looking at me? Well, Katy Perry’s actually IS.
[Photo: Splash News]
And it is DEPRESSED (possibly about having its forehead unzipped and boobs for brains). It reminds me of those pet rescue ads where you see all the wounded little animals begging for love, while Sarah McLachlan sings “Angel” accompanied only by the plucking of your acoustic heartstring guitar. Suddenly I want to pour this coat a saucer of milk and then give it all my money.