Fug File: ads and posters

Fug the Poster: Lindsay Lohan

Okay, I mean, first of all, I obviously can’t wait to Fug the Fromage of this shitshow:

No offense, Lifetime: I am just assuming it’s going to be a shitshow because…Lindsay. And I basically WANT it to be a shitshow. If it’s surprisingly great, of course I will be thrilled, because I secretly would love it if LiLo would stop driving around clipping pedestrians with her Porsche and getting kicked out of hotels carrying a $46,000 magazine and PPV fee, and go back to being an actress rather than a cautionary tale. But the worst case for this movie — and for Lifetime — will be if it’s mediocre. People are going to tune in (IN DROVES, I suspect) hoping for a total scenery-chewing clusterfiasco (this blog is rated PG-13) and Lifetime wins if that happens, OR if it’s surprisingly actually good. They lose if it’s serviceable. So, Lifetime, if the movie is looking decent but not fantastic in the edit bay right now, my advice is to start throwing in all of Lindsay’s worst takes.

All that being said, I actually think this poster is kind of smart. Is it really, REALLY on the nose in attempting to compare Lindsay to Liz? Yes. Is it kind of offensive to compare Hot Ass Mess Miss Lohan to Liz Taylor, who had serious personal problems but who was ALWAYS a consummate pro at work? I am pretty sure Taylor is digging her way out of her grave with a diamond-encrusted shovel right now so that she can march into someone’s office and throw a martini into the face of the person who approved that idea. Is it eye-catching? Yes. Does Linds look serviceably Elizabeth-y? Sure. Am I chomping at the bit to set my DVR? Yes. So….well done, Lifetime. BRING IT.


Fug the Poster: New Year’s Eve

In the category of Most Half-Assed Movie Poster Ever, I give you the new front runner.

Where to begin?

a) If you don’t have enough celebrity faces to fill a grid, and have to use a placeholder consisting of of stock photos of people embracing and booze, then DON’T MAKE A GRID OF CELEBRITY FACES.

b) If you’re going to go against all common sense and what I just told you, and make that hideous grid of celebrity faces, maybe use photos from the actual movie and not, like, random pictures of Ashton Kutcher that you got off LiveJournal and a screen grab of Hilary Swank from PS, I Love You.

c) I look forward to reading the email Lea Michele has surely sent SOMEONE about this monstrosity, in which she rails about how she has been rendered literally unrecognizable. Because her face has never looked like that. Ever. That picture looks like it was flipped to be a mirror image of itself. We all know what Lea Michele looks like (pretty; prone to hilarious fierceness) and this is not it.

d) To Jessica Biel, Ashton Kutcher, Hector Elizondo: you are currently over your limit of Movies Named After/Set During Major Romantic Holidays.  If you were playing the same character in this movie as you did in Valentine’s Day — perhaps the worst movie I’ve ever seen on a plane, and that includes Employee of the Month — then we would give you a pass, but you are not, according to IMDb. If, at any point in the next forty years, any of you appear in movies titled Mother’s Day, Labor Day, or Arbor Day, you will be asked to leave the 310 area code immediately and be banned from ever returning. (Note: should you be cast in a remake of Independence Day or Halloween, you will be allowed to appear before a council of your peers [currently consisting of James Van Der Beek, The Rock, and SWINTON] and make a case for special dispensation.)

e) To all celebrities everywhere: the only people sincerely delighted by the prospect of a movie with THIS MANY PEOPLE in it are the ones who work in PR and those of us who know that, at the very least, the premieres will yield some useful photographs for our blogs. Everyone else finds it exhausting. Word to the wise.


Fug The Poster: When In Rome

KRISTEN BELL: Hi, Josh! Teehee!
JOSH DUHAMEL: I am going to follow you home and sneak into your house and EAT YOU FOR DINNER and then raid your fridge.
KRISTEN: Teeheehee! You make it sound so sexy!
JOSH: Really? This is sexy?
KRISTEN: Teeheheheheheheeee, yes, teehee! I’m charmed, and charming! Don’t you see?
JOSH: So you think this was a good idea to sell our movie: You looking like you are dying inside while nibbling on your pinky and trying to act coy, and me looking like I might be a psychotic stalker interested only in wearing the skin of your nape as a blouse?
KRISTEN: Teeeee! Heeeee! So funny!
JOSH: No! So gross! You’re not the vapid “teehee” girl and I’m not actually interested in draining your blood and using it to make shampoo!
KRISTEN: Teeteeteehee! Yay!
JOSH: No, not yay! We can barely even cobble together a real preview, and all the “reviews” are quotes from people on Facebook.
KRISTEN: Tee! But it’s from the studio behind The Proposal! Hee!
JOSH: Which means jack shit.
KRISTEN: Teeheheh… you know what, you’re right. This is freaking killing me. I just need to grin and bear it and then hope Netflix makes this movie unavailable forever.
JOSH: That’s my girl. 
KRISTEN: You can stop looking at me like that now.
JOSH: Sorry, I was just thinking your nape skin WOULD make a nice shirt. Or a brooch.
KRISTEN: No, really. You can stop.

Fug the Ad: Beyonce

I actually have great affection for Beyonce — regardless about what anyone thinks about anything, “Single Ladies” is deeply catchy –but I can’t imagine this was EXACTLY what she was going for. Unless by “catch the fever,” she means, “catch the fever that comes with swine flu, which, judging from my exhausted makeup and glazed facial expression, I TOTALLY HAVE right now.”


Fug The Poster: Grey Gardens

I’m really not sure to whom this poster is supposed to appeal — for one thing, it makes Grey Gardens look like it’s a hybrid of The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Driving Miss Daisy:

And for another, despite the fact that we’ve all JUST read on every gossip site how much weight Drew Barrymore lost during shooting, her picture appears to imply there is a very uplifting story arc in which Little Edie gets her wisdom teeth out. This may have been how she dressed, true, but I don’t know that it makes for a very appealing advertisement unless you’re selling it to … very elderly yet plucky former dental hygienists? Glad we cleared that up, HBO.


Fug the Poster: Twilight

OH TWILIGHT. Why are you making me so happy, when I disliked the book upon which you are based so much? Part of it must be because, though I wasn’t a fan of the book, I find the whole Twilight phenomenon to be very interesting. When that many people love something, there must be SOMETHING to it. Plus, books in general are good things. The other reason might be because the movie looks like it might be TERRIBLE and therefore potentially awesome. I mean, we all know how wack the cast looked on the cover of EW, and now… this! It’s like the people who made the film read the book and got to the approximately 403,328 pages about how flawlessly gorgeous Edward (the fussy vampire boyfriend played by Robert “Cedric Diggory” Pattison here) is and looked at each other and were like, “Let’s skip that part.” AND WHY? It seems to me that the crux of the attraction of a book/movie about a super hot vampire boyfriend would be THE SUPER HOTNESS. And the other thing is that CEDRIC DIGGORY IS HOT ALREADY! It’s like they’ve DE-HOTTED HIM against ALL REASON. Like here? I mean, at least he’s not wearing Donald Trump’s hair again, but his eyes seem to be looking in different directions and I think they accidentally dug his makeup out of the zombie bin (it IS right next to the vampire one). Also, Edward is supposed to be some kind of genius — from what I can recall. Maybe he’s just had the benefits of like 100 years of schooling — but this kid looks like the meathead jock who gets turned into a zombie at the very beginning of a horror flick, and awkwardly gropes people before stumbling into a convenient open grave. And like, these two are lovers. Why does it look like this is actually the ad for a movie where an innocent girl is snatched off the streets and sold into a prostitution ring by a gang of weird pale dudes with an overly passionate attachment to hair gel? AND WHEN CAN I BUY MY TICKETS?