SWINTerfeldly Played: SWINTON and Karl

Karl: Delicious pixie, whither the spice? DUST.

SWINTON: Hello, Karl. Your voice is the purring of the tiger I tamed last night in my living room.

Karl: True or not? Fantasy is the foreplay of reality. CLIMAX.

SWINTON: No, Karl, not until the orgy of where black and white intersect and explode into the erotic grays that shade our yens, numbering not fifty but infinity.

Karl: Your lilt intoxicates. No lemur among our planetkind could buzz my edges as you do. BLUR.

SWINTON: I feel this connection. You bring an international adapter to my plug, and together, electricity. Power. A hair dryer, keening in the wind, its purpose lost and found.

Karl: I will mourn the end of our duet. A fruit bowl broken, but not the way you think, is where poetry is born. You are the bowl, and fruit is for the wicked. PEEL.

SWINTON: So rare a bird are you that birds themselves quit, and join the circus. Promise me we’ll meet again.

Karl: Have you the feet to travel? Shoes make spirits whole. HEM.

SWINTON: Fare you well.

Karl: I bit you sad farewell, knowing I will forget we ever met. Memories are for the innocent. SIN.


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Comments (61):

  1. junaitatres

    Heather, you are a delight! This was perfection.

  2.  bambi_beth

    Oh my. Just. Oh. My.
    Amazeballs. PUNT.

  3. Marte

    Literally LOL

  4. Rowynn

    I could not agree more.

  5. Jen

    “You bring an international adapter to my plug.” <– this line will now be in my wedding vows.

    • Jill

      HA. My fiance is Russian, so this would be especially pertinent for us, but I fear it would also be interpreted as rather naughty.

  6. Nat

    Heather, I almost gave you a standing ovation whilst at my desk. Brava!

  7. Al Walling

    This conversation made me so happy…

  8. Cyd

    Freaking brilliant. *wordsgone*

  9. HelenBackAgain

    It’s such a delight just to see them together, and then this wonderful, fantastical idea of what they might say on top of that! I am overwhelmed. It’s TOO good. I won’t need to eat today, that was so fulfilling.

    • jody

      Are you kidding? I think I need to eat in celebration of it! Cake, anyone?

      • HelenBackAgain

        Oh, well if there’s CAKE, nevermind. I’ll bring the champagne!

  10. filmcricket

    Amazeballs covered in awesomesauce. Is the Lagerfeld voice in the GFY glossary? I was never sure what the origin of that was, unlike with JLo and Britney.

  11. nobody much

    Linen of dreams. Pompadours

  12. Donna

    Yay! Thank you, Heather! Was so looking forward to your take on this pairing when I saw it somewhere else this morning.

  13. Allison

    Your words are the chickpeas on my salad, on a sprayed journey to my computer screen, in jubilus flightsong announcing the corporeal union of my stomach and your brain. LAUGH.

  14. Sandra

    Does Kaiser Karl dialog work like MadLibs? As in, do you set the sentence structure with noun, verb, gerund, adjective, adverb, punctuation, and so forth, and then go back and randomly select words for each? That would also be awesome sauce.

  15. jean

    What are you drinking Heather? Or maybe you’re flashing on too many Calvin Klein commercials. Hee.

  16. leahruthie

    this is probably one of my favorite things i’ve ever read on GFY. hot damn.

  17. Hillary

    You win the internet today, Heather. This is fantastic!

  18. Katie

    This is my everything.

    Thank you.

  19. BrowneyedBetty

    And this is why I can’t stay away from GFY. My source of Daily Chuckle never, ever fails!

  20. Samantha

    Best post ever? TUNA FISH.

  21. Minutiae

    Heather, brilliant as always. I cannot wait to see what you ladies come up with when it’s time for SWINTON and the Hiddle to go out for Only Lovers Left Alive. I fear this place may explode.

  22. CitizenKate

    Heather, you deserve a vacation after this marvelous post. Except, please don’t go.

  23. Meghan

    What is their conversation wasn’t as divine as we would hope?
    Karl: My feet are killing me and my gentleman plums are squished beyond recognition.
    SWINTON: Really? I just farted.

    • Carolina Girl

      Or they could just be talking shit about how that girl behind them looks like Carrie Underwood.

  24. Meghan


  25. Lynne

    Seriously. Is there a Pulitzer Prize for what you guys do? “Have you the feet to travel?” Genius.

  26. Jenny

    This is beyond brilliant, somewhere a black hole is forming and we will soon all perish- but it will be worth it now.

  27. TonyG

    How does your brain work like this?…your genius is my laughter! :D

  28. lindsay

    this is the best thing i’ve read. maybe ever.

  29. Cady


    Truly a delight. This made my day!

  30. Nan

    This is stupendously hilarious. CLAP.

  31. pinkstreaks

    This is perfection. I don’t know how you guys do it…

  32. SqueakyWheel

    Your syllables are a galaxy of fever and percussion. EPIC.

  33. Sarah

    lyrical genius.


  34.  Bimmebeaux

    Heather for the Nobel Prize of awesome.

  35. witjunkie

    I can totally see her being able to speak fluent Lagerfeld when the occasion arises.

    Also: “Shoes make spirits whole. HEM.” Yes. Even Karl notices that.

  36. Carolina Girl

    It’s only Wednesday, but this has made my week!

    I find it amazing how Heather and Jessica have totally rewired the way my brain processes the speech of Britney, JLo, KANYE and Kaiser Karl. Not that I have ever actually heard the Kaiser speak, but I’m sure if I did he would sound like GFY Karl.

  37. JessicaAZ

    Bravo! I could read that all day!

  38. Annelie

    You are my favourite. This is perfect. THANK YOU.

  39. Narie

    Brilliant, kudos!

  40. aptlyvenus

    I literally teared up with joy. You had me at delicious pixie, because, you know, she’s so TALL.

  41. lori

    Heather, you just keep getting better and better. :-)

  42. bambam

    Heather and Jessica, I love you two so much. Posts like this brighten my life.

  43. swimmyfish

    Sliced bread? You’ve been served. Because this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened. Simply tremendous.

  44. Squirrel!

    Heather, your adoring public gives you a mighty huzzah and raises you upon its metaphorical shoulders!

    (“No lemur among our planetkind could buzz my edges as you do. BLUR.”
    Cannot. Stop. Laughing.)

  45. Elizabeth

    This bit of dialogue is one of the best things you have ever written. Marvelous.

  46. Pam Carter

    that was thursday morning magic. thanks.

  47. me

    WORDS WORDS WORDS…in a good way! You have outdone yourself m’lady! Thank you!!

  48. JanetP

    “A fruit bowl broken, but not the way you think, is where poetry is born. You are the bowl, and fruit is for the wicked. PEEL.”

    I think that about sums up …. oh, everything.

  49. NYNerd67


  50. Joemama

    Oh my goodness. I thought the last KANYE/ Kim post was the best, but it wasn’t. THIS IS! I have been jonesing for a Karl dialogue on here for a long time and BOY DID YOU DELIVER! Thank you from the bottom of the warmed cockles of my heart. Now, if you could get a picture of SWINTON, Kaiser Karl, and KANYE, it would do me in. But it would be SO worth it.

  51. Grace

    I read all the dam time but have never commented. BRILLIANT.

    I love the Swinton. Y’all are awesome.

  52. Elfrieda

    You should publish a book of poetry based on your Karl Lagerfeld character. I would read that every night before bed.