SWINTerfeldly Played: SWINTON and Karl


Karl: Delicious pixie, whither the spice? DUST.

SWINTON: Hello, Karl. Your voice is the purring of the tiger I tamed last night in my living room.

Karl: True or not? Fantasy is the foreplay of reality. CLIMAX.

SWINTON: No, Karl, not until the orgy of where black and white intersect and explode into the erotic grays that shade our yens, numbering not fifty but infinity.

Karl: Your lilt intoxicates. No lemur among our planetkind could buzz my edges as you do. BLUR.

SWINTON: I feel this connection. You bring an international adapter to my plug, and together, electricity. Power. A hair dryer, keening in the wind, its purpose lost and found.

Karl: I will mourn the end of our duet. A fruit bowl broken, but not the way you think, is where poetry is born. You are the bowl, and fruit is for the wicked. PEEL.

SWINTON: So rare a bird are you that birds themselves quit, and join the circus. Promise me we’ll meet again.

Karl: Have you the feet to travel? Shoes make spirits whole. HEM.

SWINTON: Fare you well.

Karl: I bit you sad farewell, knowing I will forget we ever met. Memories are for the innocent. SIN.

 

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Comments (61):

  1. junaitatres
    +70

    Heather, you are a delight! This was perfection.

  2.  bambi_beth
    +29

    Oh my. Just. Oh. My.
    Amazeballs. PUNT.

  3. Marte
    +8

    Literally LOL

  4. Rowynn
    +3

    I could not agree more.

  5. Jen
    +71

    “You bring an international adapter to my plug.” <– this line will now be in my wedding vows.

    • Jill
      +4

      HA. My fiance is Russian, so this would be especially pertinent for us, but I fear it would also be interpreted as rather naughty.

  6. Nat
    +25

    Heather, I almost gave you a standing ovation whilst at my desk. Brava!

  7. Al Walling
    +9

    This conversation made me so happy…

  8. Cyd
    +4

    Freaking brilliant. *wordsgone*

  9. HelenBackAgain
    +6

    It’s such a delight just to see them together, and then this wonderful, fantastical idea of what they might say on top of that! I am overwhelmed. It’s TOO good. I won’t need to eat today, that was so fulfilling.

    • jody
      +14

      Are you kidding? I think I need to eat in celebration of it! Cake, anyone?

      • HelenBackAgain
        +16

        Oh, well if there’s CAKE, nevermind. I’ll bring the champagne!

  10. filmcricket
    +8

    Amazeballs covered in awesomesauce. Is the Lagerfeld voice in the GFY glossary? I was never sure what the origin of that was, unlike with JLo and Britney.

  11. nobody much
    +13

    Linen of dreams. Pompadours

  12. Donna
    +2

    Yay! Thank you, Heather! Was so looking forward to your take on this pairing when I saw it somewhere else this morning.

  13. Allison
    +46

    Your words are the chickpeas on my salad, on a sprayed journey to my computer screen, in jubilus flightsong announcing the corporeal union of my stomach and your brain. LAUGH.

  14. Sandra
    +8

    Does Kaiser Karl dialog work like MadLibs? As in, do you set the sentence structure with noun, verb, gerund, adjective, adverb, punctuation, and so forth, and then go back and randomly select words for each? That would also be awesome sauce.

  15. jean
    +3

    What are you drinking Heather? Or maybe you’re flashing on too many Calvin Klein commercials. Hee.

  16. leahruthie
    +21

    this is probably one of my favorite things i’ve ever read on GFY. hot damn.

  17. Hillary
    +23

    You win the internet today, Heather. This is fantastic!

  18. Katie
    +7

    This is my everything.

    Thank you.

  19. BrowneyedBetty
    +6

    And this is why I can’t stay away from GFY. My source of Daily Chuckle never, ever fails!

  20. Samantha
    +11

    Best post ever? TUNA FISH.

  21. Minutiae
    +12

    Heather, brilliant as always. I cannot wait to see what you ladies come up with when it’s time for SWINTON and the Hiddle to go out for Only Lovers Left Alive. I fear this place may explode.

  22. CitizenKate
    +9

    Heather, you deserve a vacation after this marvelous post. Except, please don’t go.

  23. Meghan
    +18

    What is their conversation wasn’t as divine as we would hope?
    Karl: My feet are killing me and my gentleman plums are squished beyond recognition.
    SWINTON: Really? I just farted.

    • Carolina Girl
      +7

      Or they could just be talking shit about how that girl behind them looks like Carrie Underwood.

  24. Meghan
    0

    *if

  25. Lynne
    +21

    Seriously. Is there a Pulitzer Prize for what you guys do? “Have you the feet to travel?” Genius.

  26. Jenny
    +8

    This is beyond brilliant, somewhere a black hole is forming and we will soon all perish- but it will be worth it now.

  27. TonyG
    +15

    How does your brain work like this?…your genius is my laughter! :D

  28. lindsay
    +6

    this is the best thing i’ve read. maybe ever.

  29. Cady
    +4

    WORDS!

    Truly a delight. This made my day!

  30. Nan
    +7

    This is stupendously hilarious. CLAP.

  31. pinkstreaks
    +3

    This is perfection. I don’t know how you guys do it…

  32. SqueakyWheel
    +14

    Your syllables are a galaxy of fever and percussion. EPIC.

  33. Sarah
    +4

    lyrical genius.

    bravo.

  34.  Bimmebeaux
    +9

    Heather for the Nobel Prize of awesome.

  35. witjunkie
    +18

    I can totally see her being able to speak fluent Lagerfeld when the occasion arises.

    Also: “Shoes make spirits whole. HEM.” Yes. Even Karl notices that.

  36. Carolina Girl
    +13

    It’s only Wednesday, but this has made my week!

    I find it amazing how Heather and Jessica have totally rewired the way my brain processes the speech of Britney, JLo, KANYE and Kaiser Karl. Not that I have ever actually heard the Kaiser speak, but I’m sure if I did he would sound like GFY Karl.

  37. JessicaAZ
    +3

    Bravo! I could read that all day!

  38. Annelie
    +2

    You are my favourite. This is perfect. THANK YOU.

  39. Narie
    +2

    Brilliant, kudos!

  40. aptlyvenus
    +4

    I literally teared up with joy. You had me at delicious pixie, because, you know, she’s so TALL.

  41. lori
    +2

    Heather, you just keep getting better and better. :-)

  42. bambam
    +6

    Heather and Jessica, I love you two so much. Posts like this brighten my life.

  43. swimmyfish
    +5

    Sliced bread? You’ve been served. Because this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened. Simply tremendous.

  44. Squirrel!
    +6

    Heather, your adoring public gives you a mighty huzzah and raises you upon its metaphorical shoulders!

    (“No lemur among our planetkind could buzz my edges as you do. BLUR.”
    Cannot. Stop. Laughing.)

  45. Elizabeth
    +2

    This bit of dialogue is one of the best things you have ever written. Marvelous.

  46. Pam Carter
    +2

    that was thursday morning magic. thanks.

  47. me
    +3

    WORDS WORDS WORDS…in a good way! You have outdone yourself m’lady! Thank you!!

  48. JanetP
    +3

    “A fruit bowl broken, but not the way you think, is where poetry is born. You are the bowl, and fruit is for the wicked. PEEL.”

    I think that about sums up …. oh, everything.

  49. NYNerd67
    +2

    Perfection.

  50. Joemama
    +1

    Oh my goodness. I thought the last KANYE/ Kim post was the best, but it wasn’t. THIS IS! I have been jonesing for a Karl dialogue on here for a long time and BOY DID YOU DELIVER! Thank you from the bottom of the warmed cockles of my heart. Now, if you could get a picture of SWINTON, Kaiser Karl, and KANYE, it would do me in. But it would be SO worth it.

  51. Grace
    +1

    I read all the dam time but have never commented. BRILLIANT.

    I love the Swinton. Y’all are awesome.

  52. Elfrieda
    +1

    You should publish a book of poetry based on your Karl Lagerfeld character. I would read that every night before bed.