Round Two Continues With The Sev vs The XCX

It’s Dull vs. Dramatic, and then Fashion Wacky vs…. I guess Generally Wacky. Who has fewer excuses for her fashion felonies? You have a day to vote, so get cracking.

(2) Felicity Jones vs. (10) Bella Thorne 

Felicity. FELICITY. Your name means “intense happiness” or “good fortune, or “appropriate expression for one’s thoughts,” and I don’t think this dress fits any of those.

I call it the ribcage dress, although it actually reminds me more of the foreheads of the musicians in the Star Wars Cantina. And then you get to the bottom, and it’s all threads. Never mind who designed this; who picked it out, and why didn’t she veto the hell out of it?

And we will never forget President Dullard of Dullslandia:

It was the Oscars, and she was coming off Rogue One, A Monster Calls, and… well, maybe we pretend Inferno didn’t exist. Still, she’s in Major Movie Star territory and this is more like something you’d try to foist on pre-teen Millie Bobby Brown (and, she’d say no).

Speaking of no:

No. NO. And, it’s not even the first time this year she wore this basic bad idea. I actually think she donned them a month or two apart. What pretty shoes! RESCUE THEM. And then behold THIS shapeless black cloud of doom she wore on one of the late-night shows.

Or this, which was her post-Oscars pick:

Too little, too late, Felicity. Yet also, too much. As is this:

WHY. Oh, and that Gucci she wore to the Globes, which looked almost painted-on, a la a tuxedo shirt? She totally wore something else from that line, and it was more than she could carry. Ditto this:

That feels ripped from Dakota Johnson’s and Nicole Kidman’s racks. It’s so ruffly, but still so… MEH. She isn’t selling it. Not in the least. But at least it’s better than this. GET READY. You are going to hate it:

INSERT HOWLS OF ANGUISH.

Bella Thorne is, essentially, a totally different human being in every way. They are polar opposites. THIS is what Bella does with separates:

 

She also did this weird thing for a South by Southwest portrait. PLEASE promise me you will click and view it, because I need other people to know it exists. It’s… a throwpillow she’s using as a shirt, maybe? I don’t know why she doesn’t just use SHIRTS as shirts. I mean:

This is so tiresome. Also, she must have FRIED her hair this year, because she was devoted to the neon hues. Here, she’s in all cool tones, and of course a dress over pants.

She was also really into her tongue:

That’s at a Moschino show, so naturally she looks hopelessly bananas at Jeremy Scott’s probable suggestion, but she doesn’t have to look QUITE so much like she was scraped off the floor of 1988 in a boozy stupor.

Want some Coachella? You got it:

And as far as real attempts at formalwear, they were few this year — but what she did pick was something that Lady Victoria Hervey got to first:

If you are in a footrace with that woman, or gobbling her leftovers, you’re doing it wrong.

Archives: Felicity Jones, Bella Thorne

(6) Chloe Sevigny vs. (14) Charli XCX 

THESE TWO. I feel like they’d have a gas hanging out with each other. In fact, they attended the very same H&M party during our period of eligibility, and I’ll just show them to you back to back:

I assume they got together and discussed how loud a pattern must be before it rips a hole in the space-time continuum.

Both of these women are entertainingly kitschy, as well. Take Chloe here, looking like she wants to rap you on the palm with a ruler.

And then we have Charli, who spun the Big Wheel of Pop Culture Reference and landed on “Gina Gershon stars in The Real Housewives of Value Village.”

Chloe still has some wacky pants in her arsenal, with a hat to boot:

And Charli has, well, booty:

I wonder at what point in this process she realized she’d crossed the Underbum Frontier, and whether it really was too late to turn back. (The front of the outfit is here.)

I somehow COMPLETELY missed this piece of insanity:

Chloe, you are so elaborately confusing, but also precious to me.

Charli, those shoes are actually okay, but please suggest to Vivienne Westwood that she stop laundering static cling into her curtains and calling them outfits.

Please enjoy chuckling with me at this:

The bow is in a cockamamie place. I am sure that’s a strange note to give on this, but I’m right.  In its current spot, it makes her chest gift-wrapped.

… Did Vivienne Westwood throw an orange Gatorade at Charli during this store opening?

Also, never forget:

Chloe busted out the above, plus some cheek at the Met Gala — which makes this ruffle-cuffed nightie seem even more of a swerve. Charli’s formalwear was more sedate, though she picked total Gaga shoes to present something at the Billboard Women in Music event. Oh, and there’s her fur and sequined bell-bottoms. Chloe can’t match those pants per se, but she offered up insane tights and high-heeled clogs with a dickey under a sheer shirt, so… she’s doing her fair share for fuggery. I really feel like these two might have gotten a kick out of trading outfits a few times this year; still, the point is, they wore what they wore, and now they have to live with it. And so must you, as you vote.

Archives: Chloe Sevigny, Charli XCX