From the Desk of George Clooney’s Manager:
Your final duties as George Clooney’s Official Girlfriend (Awards Campaigning Model) are almost completed! We congratulate you on wearing a Marchesa gown straight off the runway – and one that doesn’t look like a shower curtain, but DOES look like the award your Boyfriend* just lost! Like all of George’s Official Awards Season-Time Girlfriends, you look slight and very lovely in it, as well as too young for him, and not particularly challenging! We thank you for weathering the terms of your contract with such good spirits, and we’ll miss you here at Lake Como next summer, when George is “dating” this cocktail waitress from South. (She’s getting her degree in Child Psychology from that online university Shannen Doherty is shilling on late-night TV and everyone’s going to love her.) Finally, we thank you for not getting too mad at us that time we told you we thought you might have “too much of your own career” for this to work out; you were right when you told us you’d happy stop working while the two of you were “making the rounds.” As you know, the Final Countdown to the End of This “Relationship” begins the instant whatever award George wants is awarded, and therefore we’re in the home stretch now! This relationship will end amicably in three to ten weeks, and, as discussed, we’d like you to be out of the house in Italy as well as the houses in Bel Air and Malibu, and the apartment in New York, no less than ten days after that. Sarah Larsen can recommend a moving company!
Best wishes and thank you again for being a great Official Girlfriend!
*An official — but friendly — reminder: you’re not going to be here much longer, so w e hope you haven’t gotten too comfortable calling him that!