Oscar Post-Party Fugger-or-Fabber: Jessica Biel


fug-or-fab

A lot of ladies who wore long trains changed their dresses between the Oscar telecast and the parties. Since she wasn’t wearing one, I can’t figure out why Jessica Biel swapped her Prada for Oscar de la Renta — unless she, too, realized that wan nuptial sack was fashion narcolepsy, or she has a storied history of dumping caviar and red wine down the front of her dress at industry fetes.

Here’s what she ended the night wearing:

All that loud shiny satin is a little achy on the eyes, and I don’t like the lines of the skirt. And would it have killed her to fix the hair? THE HAIR. STILL. KILLS ME. It’s TERRIBLE. Dry shampoo.  A brush and a ponytail. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s knit cap. ANY of these, at this point, would’ve been acceptable solutions to the fact that her hair looks like she was just in the dressing room for three hours pulling sweaters on and off over her head.

But for me, this dress is hugely preferable to the other — in fact, I’m not sure why she didn’t wear this from the get-go. She’d have stood out more on the red carpet, for better or worse (and frankly, she stood out for the worse already, as it was). She would’ve looked bold, as opposed to boring. And maybe wearing this dress, with the heavier neckline, could’ve forced her to do something else with her hair to hide the grease factory. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. She is a GROWN WOMAN. Is it that she wants us all to know she can barely make time for the Oscars, amid the constant stream of sexercise she’s getting between the sheets with Justin? Because that’s great, kid. We get it. Congratulations. You have afterglow in your hair. Your mother will be so proud.

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