SHARON STONE: And lemme tell you ANOTHER THING, Leslie!
LINDSAY LOHAN: Lindsay.
SHARON STONE: That’s what I SAID. Lemme tell you ANOTHER THING, LESLIE. What you NEED to DO is land a role where you show the world YOUR COOTER. But you show it in a REAL CLASSY WHITE OUTFIT. REAL classy. So there’s like a….DISPARITY betweeen the COOTER and your OUTFIT. WHAT’S WRONG?
LINDSAY LOHAN: You’re…just saying the word “cooter” really loud.
SHARON STONE: SORRY. Okay, SO THEN you spend the next five years dressing REALLY GOOD. Like, CLASSY and GLAMOUROUS. People are like, “sure, we all saw her cooter, but MAN, can she WORK A TURTLENECK.” HEY, is that the guy with the CHICKEN SATAY?
LINDSAY LOHAN: I…don’t know. Um, it’s been great talking to –
SHARON STONE: SO THEN people think you’re an okay actress and BEAUTIFUL and then SCORCESE puts you in a MOVIE and you get a GOLDEN GLOBE and then YOU MARRY A GUY and take a lot of TIME OFF and then your HUSBAND gets his FOOT EATEN OFF by a DRAGON at the ZOO and then you have a BRAIN SOMETHING and then more stuff happens and THEN you realize NO ONE IS HIRING YOU ANYMORE and so THEN you decide to — WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
LINDSAY LOHAN: You’re just…it’s…um. I’m…nothing. I really should go say hello to Meryl –
SHARON STONE: FUCK MERYL STREEP I’M TELLING YOU THINGS. So THEN you decide to make a REALLY PORNY SEQUEL to the movie where you show your cooter LIKE I MEAN REALLY PORNY and THEN you show up at the OSCARS in a dress that shows your NIPPLES and HAS UGLY PURPLE APPLIQUES OF BUTTERFLIES and you do your make-up using the FREE SAMPLES AT RITE AID with your eyes CLOSED. And then –
LINDSAY LOHAN: Oh god.
SHARON STONE: THEN you do your HAIR in a WIND TUNNEL! And then everyone WONDERS what the hell happened to you. ISN’T THAT A GREAT PLAN FOR YOUR CAREER?
LINDSAY LOHAN: [polite laughter] I really need to go now. But it’s been great talking to you.
SHARON STONE: I used to be YOUNG LIKE YOU. CALL ME!