“HOLA LOVERS.”

“I do not have time for one-night themes. My whole life is a theme. The theme of how I cannot be tamed. Not by music mogul, not by backup dancer who I only married because I thought he was one of the Judds and not just a Judd, not by Beardfleck, not by vampire, not by whatever it is that I am dating now, and not by some invitation to a thingy the Mets are doing about punk. So I come here with the eyeliner and the hair that is bigger than Marc, and I am animalistic and naked and sheery, like the jungle cat you pay to see on safari and secretly hope will eat Nicki Minaj, and I will somehow still seem like I am being punk even though I am not. It is because of my MAGIC. I am like that Harry Potter but without the sad bits and all the pointy sticks and pets (although, lovers, I do think I have four houses). My secret power is that you will love me even when I am ignoring the rules. The Lopez does not bend to the world; the world bends to the Lopez.”

[Photo: Getty]