Met Ball Curiously Played: Kanye West


“HEY YO, MET BALLERS, WHAT IS UP, I AM IN YOUR TOWN SO DON’T FROWN IN YOUR GOWNS THAT MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE FANCY CLOWNS, BECAUSE NOW YOU HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY THE GENIUS. AND IF YOU HAVEN’T, GIVE IT TEN MINUTES, BECAUSE I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE ROOM AT SOME POINT. IT MUST BE HARD TO BE A LADY. IT TOOK ME AN HOUR TO GET DRESSED AND I’M JUST WEARING A SUIT. I HAD TO ARGUE WITH THIS JACKET ABOUT HOW TO CLOSET IT. THE JACKET SAID A BRASS BUTTON BELONGS THERE BUT I WAS LIKE, ‘HEY, YOU ARE TALENTED AND ALL, AND YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO KEEP SHIT CLOSED, BUT BEYONCE IS A WAY BETTER BUTTON, SHE DESERVES THIS OPPORTUNITY,’ AND THE JACKET WAS ALL, ‘BEYONCE ISN’T HERE, DUMBASS,’ AND I WAS ALL, ‘DO NOT SWEAR AT THE DARK LORD BECAUSE YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO FUN AFOUL OF MY SOCIAL FJORD THAT CUTS BETWEEN THE DUMMIES AND THE ADORED, SO KEEP GOING IF YOU WANT TO BE BORED BUT IF YOU’D RATHER BE INTELLECTUALLY GORED THEN RUN AWAY AND HEAD TOWARD THE KANYE WEST STORE WHERE THE PRODUCE IS ALWAYS FRESH AND WE HAVE A BUTCHER IN-HOUSE TO MAKE SURE ALL THE MEAT IS CUT PROPERLY.’ AND THE JACKET WAS ALL, ‘I FEEL THAT,’ SO WE COMPROMISED AND I FOUND THIS SAFETY PIN AND I SAID, ‘THIS SAFETY PIN IS ART, AND IF PEOPLE CAN’T HANDLE HOW MUCH ART IT IS, THEN THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO SAVE THEIR SOULS FROM BURNING IN HELL SURROUNDED BY DOGS PLAYING POKER, AM I RIGHT? SO I NAMED THE PIN BEYONCE AND NOW BEYONCE IS DOING A DAMN FINE JOB HOLDING  MY COAT TOGETHER JUST LIKE I SAID SHE WOULD BECAUSE I AM A PROPHET WHO SPEWS WISDOM FOR PROFIT SO IF YOU HAVE A CAP ON THEN DOFF IT BECAUSE I FREAKING RULE YOUR LIFE. IS THAT DOPE? YES.”

react:
Leave a reply

Comments (31):

  1. freebird
    0

    The Karl dialogue was the funniest thing I read all day until Beyonce is a better button! The whole rant was magical. I think I fell in love the Beyonce he’s wearing. Much easier to navigate in a pee situation so who won indeed. I can’t hate.

  2. Melissa
    0

    How puffy does he look? (I don’t mean Mr Combs.)

  3. Connie
    0

    I like the real Kanye more because of GFY Kanye’s rants.

  4. pinkcheese
    0

    Connie, me too.

  5. Rachel
    0

    I concur with both Connie and Melissa. Why does he look like the wax version of himself?

  6. vandalfan
    0

    OK, so that IS a safety pin. I could not believe my eyes. And yes, he looks a little water-retained.

  7. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Is it really a safety pin? Really? I’m speechless. I’m also not at all sure about front pockets in formal pants. But they must be part of the suit because they’re edged with satin. Whatever, KW looks less than hunky. I also believe this is in need of a cummerbund which is why his waist looks a total mess.

  8. EmSpeaks
    0

    Oh gosh, I was reading the J.Lo post earlier today and as hilarious as it was, I found myself thinking, “Man, I miss the Kanye updates.” THANK YOU!

  9. kayla
    0

    Safety pin and all, I gotta testify. Kanye’s come up in the spot lookin’ extra fly. (He also looks like he had his wisdom teeth removed earlier that day.)

  10. Anne B
    0

    “AND THE JACKET WAS ALL, ‘I FEEL THAT,’ SO WE COMPROMISED AND I FOUND THIS SAFETY PIN” …

    Heather, I love you. <3

    Know what else I love? Rich people who show up to fancy parties looking all MAD. :)

  11. cath
    0

    Well, between the puffiness and the fact that he’s “closing” (not quite) his tuxedo jacket with a safety pin, maybe dude is — erm — retaining a little fluid. It’s ok; it happens to the best of us.

    I’m with Connie and Pink Cheese and Melissa and whoever else said it: I like the real Kanye way better because of the GFY Kanye. I hope the real Kanye reads this blog and secretly loves these rants.

  12. ortenzia
    0

    yeah, the kanye rants are the best.

    this is just swell: THEN RUN AWAY AND HEAD TOWARD THE KANYE WEST STORE WHERE THE PRODUCE IS ALWAYS FRESH AND WE HAVE A BUTCHER IN-HOUSE TO MAKE SURE ALL THE MEAT IS CUT PROPERLY

  13. Leigh
    0

    So who’s more fun to write: Kanye or JLo?

  14. The Other Katherine
    0

    I can’t handle how much art this is.

  15. Amy
    0

    Leave it to Kanye to argue with his jacket. I feel that, too.

  16. Lina
    0

    But why does he look like someone pissed in his Cheerios? :(

  17. Sajorina
    0

    OMG, GFY Kanye is the best and I have a feeling that Kanye actually calls himself “THE BLACK LORD”! I ♥ you, Heather!!!

  18. jerkygirl
    0

    *flings papers into the air, falls over onto her back and ROTFL while flailing arms and legs* because BEYONCE IS A BETTER BUTTON hahahahhahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I also agree that now I love Kanye because of GFY. You ladies should really be his PR team!!!

  19. susan rodocanachi
    0

    thanks for cheering me up, we just elected the equivalent of George Bush without his warmth and intellect as our new prime minister and the weather is November in May, so your Kanye post was the only bright spot in my day today.

  20. GuyLuvsFug
    0

    Hate the guy, love the Heather. Everything Kanye does is curiously idiotic. I’m too good for this suit, button, giant red carpet, camera, hell I’m too good for this thought.

  21. Hansengirl1168
    0

    I’m with jerkygirl (never thought I’d say that)! LOVE YOU when you channel Kanye, because you nail it to the floor. That’s it-I’m naming you two in my will. You’ll get my dog; his name is Bishop, and he’s a sweetheart and a cutie-pie, but not in a Paris-carries-me-in-a-purse kind of way, I promise. :-) THaNKS FOR THE LAUGHS!

  22. Jen L.
    0

    I doff my cap to YOU, Heather, not to Kanye, because your rhymes are far superior to his suit crimes.

  23. S
    0

    I think this look is actually incredibly fly.

  24. Nina
    0

    LOL at “Beyonce isn’t here, dumb@ss.”

    Kanye was in a serious car accident a few years ago and had his jaw wired shut; and it’s looked swollen ever since.

    He looks good. But “curious” is the right word; I never know what’s going on in his head!

  25. Anne B
    0

    Great big virtual hug to @susan rodocanachi. Girl, I heard. :(

    Hope your days get brighter; you know you can always just look south for some good old reliable juiceboxiness (“I am really, really proud of myself for making this happen” – D. Trump; “Need to send world the message: we’ll only intervene in anyone’s business if we’re dead serious: get in, hit hard, get out” – S. Palin, 4/22/11; “KANYE WEST IS NOT A GAY FISH”, South Park). We have got your back.

    We’ll always see the world’s dumb and raise it, is what I’m saying. Love to you. :)

  26. yeahandalso
    0

    I seriously can’t look at him without wanting to punch him

  27. Paula
    0

    Love the Kanye RANTS!! Brilliant.

  28. Jennifer
    0

    Heather, you have a future career as a rapper! (how are you even awake at this point?)

  29. Pebbles36
    0

    Hmmm. He looks like a Freemason whose cleaner “shrunk” his tux.

  30. Chelsea Janzen
    0

    OMG you guys are FOREVER amazing, you made my night: “DO NOT SWEAR AT THE DARK LORD BECAUSE YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO FUN AFOUL OF MY SOCIAL FJORD THAT CUTS BETWEEN THE DUMMIES AND THE ADORED.”
    haha. OH eternal hugs and loves. I can’t stop laughing.

  31. lou
    0

    OMGG that was very amusing!
    I snorted my coffee out of my nose