Hey, remember how we have a new novel out? It’s called MESSY:
You should probably read it! And big congratulations to the winners of our SPOILED/MESSY prize pack, who had to come up with the plot of Brick Berlin’s newest action flick, Dirk Venom V: V is For Five. We had an incredibly hard time narrowing this down to three winners, so….we decided not to, and will instead be giving away four prize packs! (Winners, check your email.) A round of applause for the following:
Annie S.:
Dirk Venom’s (Brick Berlin) career is in freefall. Injuries, tropical diseases and the love of too many fast women have taken their toll, and the Rolodex of International Do-Gooders in Costume is considering forcing him into early retirement. Never one to take a situation lying down – unless the situation was blonde with legs for days – Dirk vows to prove himself worthy of RIDIC’s continued loyalty. Armed with intel gleaned from various sketchy sources, our hero finds himself in Pleasant Valley, Iowa, where Dirk has it on good authority a ring of Soviet crime lords are plotting to take over the world. Their headquarters? Happy Days Retirement Home, which Dirk infiltrates as an orderly. He is shocked to discover that no one at Happy Days ever seems to die, but rather are removed by their twenty-something grandchildren who look suspiciously like younger versions of themselves. After seducing the head nurse, Dixie Normous (Kim Kardashian), Dirk uncovers a lab hidden under the game room. He hacks into the poorly secured computer system and learns that the Soviet spies have invented a “fountain of youth” serum that they plan to sell to the world’s wealthiest tycoons, politicians, crime lords, and Hugh Hefner. They’ve been testing it on the residents of Happy Days, who are now equipped with super-strength – and flamethrowers hidden in their walkers and bayonets in their canes. A battle ensues, and Dirk manages to blow up the laboratory…but not before being injected with the serum. Dirk passes out and wakes up in RIDIC’s headquarters…twenty years younger than he had been before. (Young Dirk is played by Zac Efron.)
Stay tuned for the reboot of the “Dirk Venom” franchise: Dirk Venom VI: VI-Pack Abs.
“Zac Efron clearly owed someone a lot of money to agree to do this film.” – Peter Travers
Abby:
Dirk Venom is back in a sassy tale of revenge and mathematical espionage.
Venom has finally uncovered who murdered his beloved Grandmother and namesake, Dirkemina Venom VII. Hell bent on revenge against Cornelius Grochenvitch, Venom gets his old gang back together for one last mission.
The V5 gang of Dirk Venom, sexy mathematician Sloane ‘Square’ Root, ex-felon and thug Garfield Mott, computer hacker Ronnie McRube and the reluctant, retired Taiwanese spy No Iseyu, travel to Izvizzicm in Eastern Russia to find Grochenvitch.
But when they finally corner Grochenvich (the gripping chase includes an 23-and-a-half minute fiery rollerblade chase, the longest in action movie history), what they discover is more than they bargained for- Grochenvitch has spent his years devising devious mathematical codes, which if entered into the CIA mainframe will release prisoners from jails around the world and turn celery into a carb. As the team readies themselves for one last push to topple Grochenvitch, Venom spots a face in the window of Grochenvitch’s mansion- a young man who has Venom’s distinctive rippling locks and devil-may-care gleam in his eyes- and a shocking family secret is uncovered: Dirk Venom has a long lost brother.
Can they free Trip Venom (named after Dirk’s eccentric Auntie Trippletta Venom III) , break Cornelius Grochenvitch’s evil mathematical equation and lose five pounds before Saturdays big event?
If anyone can save his brother and keep the world safe from the clutches of evil and carbs, it’s Dirk Venom- the man who always gets the bad guys, ravages the ladies, and avoids snacking between meals.
Erin:
Thinking his life of crime fighting was behind him, Dirk Venom hung up nunchucks and holstered his gun – all to live with his new partner in love, Velvet LeBlanc. Together, they settled into a life of anonymity in a small New England town; he teaching mediation and yoga; she working in the local library. But their vacation from crime was cut short when Erik VanderPacey and his band of prep school zombies escaped the confines of their ivy covered walls to descend upon the residents of Westerhampville.
In V is for Five, Dirk and Velvet partner with local crime fighters Sherry Tequila, Vince DePants and Lilo Swag to create their very own Fox Force Five and take on this not-so-merry-band of prep-zombies before their brain eating spreads south and takes over New York City. With Rihanna as Velvet, Emma Watson as Sherry, Peter Dinklage as Vince and Maggie Smith as Lilo. James Van Der Beek joins the cast as a creepy zombified version of his Dawson’s Creek self, leading the zompocalypse of popped-collar polo-wearing undead.
Susanne:
Dirk Venom in a Dynasty Mash-Up!
Dirk Venom, now a burnt out shell of his former world-saving self, is hitchhiking across the country. Somewhere in Colorado, he accepts the wrong ride, and wakes tied up in a fourposter bed on silk sheets. In sashays a gorgoeous creature in a golden dressing gown- Alexis Carrington (played by Joan Collins, naturellement). While sipping her morning champagne, Alexis explaines her reasons for kidnapping Dirk. He is the only man masculine enough to execute her master plan- to seduce Krystle (played by Cate Blanchett) away from Blake Carrington once and for all. If Dirk refuses Alexis will unleash a virus that will crash the Internet. Yep, all of it, including Dirks own Facebook page. Terrified, our hero sets out to save us all. Car chases, golf court explosions, computer hacking, big guns & bigger hats follow. Also an accidental seduction of Sammy Jo (played by Miley Cyrus) on a bear skin rug in front of a roaring fire (obvs). Weird sexual tension occurs between Dirk and Blake Carrington, which is both explained and a surprise twist, when it turns out Blake is played by Tilda SWINTON.
Will Internet be saved? Will Dirk come to terms with his conflicting emotions (was he really physically attracted to a woman over 40?!!)? Will Alexis bitchslap Krystle, Sammy Jo AND Dirk? Can you fit a diamond encrusted turban in a golf cart? FInd out this summer in V is for Five!
