Fug Madness 2013, Round Two: Madonna Bracket, Part I


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. Enjoy.

(2) KIM KARDASHIAN vs. (10) EMMA ROBERTS

This dress is so unspeakably bad, I can’t NOT lead with it. 

Emma didn’t go out a ton this year, so it’s mind-boggling that when she scored the Golden Globes invitation, she picked a gown that’s more in keeping with her creepy Coachella wardrobe than with actual formalwear.

Which is worse: the side view, or the front?

Correct answer: yes.

But other than that, Emma Roberts is, by and large, here because of her insane Coachella ensembles. And since that’s basically a giant paparazzi field nowadays, I am not giving passes anymore for “Oh, it’s the desert, it’s hot, it’s a long three days, people just need to survive.” Because people can survive there just fine without wearing teeny tiny rompers:

Emma, in fact, frequently has questionable taste in bottoms.

Or these:

I think Auntie Julia would have concerns about what those shoes evoke alongside those shorts. You feel me. (I’m talking about prostitution, by the way.)

It would be remiss of me not to experience this with you all over again:

Presumably she had to MAKE that. Right? Are there any stores that sell tube-top homages to car washes?

Kim has a Coachella sensibility in her that’s lurking under the surface…

… or in this case, bubbling out through all her pores and creating a tsumani of WTF.

She also has problems with her taste in casualwear. Pregnant, not pregnant, doesn’t matter: These pants should not exist.

This jumpsuit perfectly encapsulates why we almost always hate jumpsuits. You think it’ll be simple, casual, maybe chic, but it’s actually dumpy and billowy and strange. Those are the three dwarfs who are so irrirating, they got kicked out of the house by the other seven.

Congratulations to Kim for bravely admitting her crippling inner-elbow-sweat problem, and receiving such kind support from the fashion world.

Dear Kim: “babydoll dress” is NOT just a different way of saying “maternity clothes.” Unless you WANT to run the risk that we can see the baby’s gender for ourselves?

Speaking of The Babye and its father: Much has been made over the fact that apparently Kanye is encouraging Kim not to dress so sexy all the time. I think it’s doing it out of love. Because he knows — you  KNOW he knows — what a gangrenous mess this is:

Not that he’s been a uniformly great influence since they started dating and gestating. I mean, Kanye DESIGNED THESE GODAWFUL ABHORRENT PEARL-NECKLACE SHOES, after all, and since the entire outfit is what she wore to sit front-row at his fashion show, odds are he actually had a hand in all of it. He also attended a Marchesa show with her while she wore a glorified mop head, and what heinousness is happening on her head here? Does him have a phobia of letting her hair loose if she forgot her weekly hot-oil treatment?

I really wish he’d talked her out of wearing this, too. And to a lunch date. HE also seems to wish he’d tried harder. Kanye’s face is ALL CAPS right there.

Archives: Kim Kardashian, Emma Roberts

(3) CARLY RAE JEPSEN vs (11) HALLE BERRY

Halle Berry’s wardrobe sometimes is a classic example of Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should.

Just because you CAN wear a see-through shirt,  nearly see-through bra, and a suit that makes you look like Crocodile Dundee has taken to designing formal wear, it doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

Just because you CAN wear a leopard satin and lace-trimmed dress from Contempo Cougars, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

Just because you CAN put this on without your entire entourage laughing you out of the house, doesn’t mean you SHOULD (but you CAN and SHOULD fire your entourage).

And just because you CAN give somebody money in exchange for elastic-knee Hammer shorts, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. AT ALL. EVER. Much as with Jessica, these go beyond casualwear and into something that acutely hurts my feelings.

As do these shoes:

Somebody’s living room couch in, oh, 1986, looked just like those shoes. I know it.

This looks like a scene from a teen flick where they’re doing a modernized, musical Romeo and Juliet as their school play and the heroine is a girl from San Francisco who moved to a small town and shook up its staid, backward sensibilities. Let’s be frank: I’d probably see that movie. But I wouldn’t want to dress up like it.

It cannot be overstated that CRJ being older than Lady Gaga blew my mind.

Apparently it blew other people’s, too, because her team keeps shoving her into ill-fitting, childish rompers. I guess they’ve decided Kids Today don’t want to squeal over anyone as ancient as a 26-year old (I’m sure Reawakened Heartthrob Adam Levine, for one, has contrasting thoughts about that); won’t relate to someone who dresses like a normal human being (Taylor Swift, for all her foibles, probably disagrees); or won’t pledge their love to somebody unless they have questionable bangs (I guess One Direction is proof that might be accurate).

This is an attempt to step toward a better tomorrow. But it also looks like she hired Kristen Stewart’s stylist, and said stylist sent over everything that made Kristen roll her eyes, laugh, or snort.

That is a travesty.

And this is dominating her. Although, anything on her body never would’ve stood a chance with that aggressive head-styling. Beyond the bangs, which have the effect of making me unclear what her actual face looks like, she seems to be using her hair as jewelry, which is super creepy from anyone who isn’t in a bizarre religious cult. And even then.

Archives: Carly Rae Jepsen, Halle Berry

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Comments (42):

  1. bex
    0

    TEAM KIM. SHE IS GONNA WIN THIS YEAR. Also- you referred to the Roberts as a Watson- understandable, because there are like 4,000 starlets named Emma right now, and Fug Madness is probably causing some literal Madness, especially after Poll Madness. I love you guys so much for the hard work you’re putting in right now- I get to laugh all day and have intense debates with other Fug Nationals about the myriad flavors of fug. What’s better than that?

  2. A.J.
    0

    Carly Rae had me when you said she was older than Gaga. Make your stylists re-think your wardrobe, lady. Because your look currently says Disney/Nick actress.

  3. kathotdog
    0

    That red and black outfit that Emma is wearing looks like it should be Peaches Geldolf out for a stroll.
    However, Kim K should win for the upholstery peblum pants alone. And she needs to lay off the leotard shirts she has been sporting.

  4. jen310
    0

    Kim is just a whole bunch of NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! Her whore couture has turned into maternity whore couture (which, either way, is offensive to the good name of couture). Kim FTW.

    I had to go with Halle. For some reason CRJ’s fug does not offend my sensibilities as much as Halle does. WTF is Halle doing to that gorgeous body of hers? How can a woman with such a fit and trim body still find clothes to wear that are too tight? Why does she try so hard to sell her sex appeal when all she has to do is just be Halle? If you’re Halle Berry and you can’t dress yourself in a sexy, stylish, and fabulous way well then your just fug. Halle FTW.

    • LawyaGal
      0

      Agreed. Halle is literally one of the most gorgeous people on earth. She has spent decades looking good. She should know better. CRJ is the product of her management, different story.

  5. Miriam
    0

    The Babye! Hahahahaha! I think you may have used this before but hahahahaha!

  6. Neil
    0

    Please, Emma FTW. I cannot bear the thought of that horrific family infesting my computer for the duration of Fug Madness.

  7. Edith
    0

    I finally figured out one of my (many) problems with Kim Kardashian: she never dresses like it’s daytime, like she might be in natural lighting. And it makes me tired – the heavy heavy makeup, the black and the sheer and the fur and the lace. A lot of what she wears should NEVER be worn, of course, but the heinous first and last looks you have for her are somehow so much worse because it’s DAYTIME. Black lace and leather and sheer and 20 pounds of slap and 50 pounds of trying to hard, and it’s just exhausting to even look at. I need to look at the brackets again – will Kim meet Bieber in the finals or the semis?

    • pantsonfire
      0

      Yes! This is extremely well said. I was actually having a bit of a struggle. I knew in my heart that Kim should be the fug victor, but Emma’s Coachella outfits were killing me. It’s not just that they were trashy…they were extremely unflattering, and that is the worst crime of all. So I was facing an unexpected struggle. But your comment reminded me of why Kim K. is the worst. Everything you said is true.

      • Helen
        0

        So true, and also, Kim often wears things that just do not fit. When you can easily afford to have everything made custom, there is no excuse for that.

        • Guerra
          0

          I’m guessing the tons of make up are due to being filmed 24/7 which I may be inclined also to do if that was me!! Strangely though she is very pretty without it so the insecurity is really not necessary!

  8. Louise
    0

    How on earth is Halle NOT beating CRJ into a cocked hat?!

    • pantsonfire
      0

      Right????? Look at all those question marks. I am seriously gobsmacked that Halle is losing so far. I mean, among all the gratuitous and desperate T&A, those pants. Those. Pants. Are they the proto-Bieber pants? Is Halle Berry to blame?

    • Kate L.
      0

      SERIOUSLY. GO HALLE. CHOOSE HALLE.

  9. lilywise
    0

    Halle has been one of the most beautiful women in the public eye for a long time. She should have the money and experience to dress herself by now.
    Yes, CRJ is older than Gaga, but she hasn’t been a Public Figure very long. Even though I think her fug is tragic, I think Halle should win this one as a classic example of Should Have Known Better.

    • Helen
      0

      Concurred, lilywise.

      • Sajorina
        0

        I can easily name 10 women that I think are more beautiful than Halle Berry, so I don’t go for the “We know you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, so you don’t have to try so hard” thing!

      • Mel
        0

        @ Lilywise and Helen: THIRDED.

        There is just NO excuse for Halle, NONE.

        W/ regards to Kim vs. Emma: there is truly no out-fugging the master, and Kim has a doctorate in fuggery. Seriously. Emma is a mere co-ed to Kim’s tenured professorship of FUG.

  10. Tiffany
    0

    So sad my polls aren’t showing up today! Ag!

  11. Alma
    0

    Kim is terrible, but those Coachella outfits that Emma wore are the WORST!! How is she losing so bad??? Aye yai yai

  12. Sylvia
    0

    I still don’t know how Kim is a #2 seed. That is top-seed fug right there. I’m surprised Emma has as many votes as she does.

    I voted for Carly, because Halle’s has knocked it out of the park enough that I can forgive her for most horrible choices (fashion wise). Carly does not have that longevity and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have any “hit it out of the park” outfits that I know of. She’s not championship fug, but she should get to the second weekend.

  13. Sajorina
    0

    I voted for those whose outfits offended me the most: KK & CRJ!

  14. Maisie
    0

    “A tsunami of WTF”!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! (That was worth the spit-take on my monitor.)

  15. Sandra
    0

    Halle’s fashion sense is a crime against her person. She should sue.

  16. agcons
    0

    While Roberts’ GG dress is eyeball-searing, it’s got absolutely nothing on Kardashian’s blue floral peplum pants and that un-fucking-believable baby-doll dress. Kardashian’s fug is painfull.

    I had to vote for Jepsen too, and primarily because Berry’s Oscars dress redeemed the rest of the fug. So far, Jepsen misses every time.

    • Edith
      0

      Am I the only one who thinks the babydoll dress that looks sooo wrong on Kim might have looked cute on Emma?

  17. em.me
    0

    My biggest problem with CRJ is her posture. If she just STOOD UP STRAIGHT she would look better in those godawful clothes.

  18. CranAppleSnapple
    0

    “but it’s actually dumpy and billowy and strange. Those are the three dwarfs who are so irrirating, they got kicked out of the house by the other seven.”

    That made my morning! Bulltruest.

  19. Anne B
    0

    Kim K could go all the way. Which, oddly enough, would be fine with me. I’ve got kind of a soft spot in my heart for her right now.

    I know this is technically not one of the konsiderations for Fug Madness, but the tabloid headlines about this woman ARE MAKING ME STABBY.

    “I Can’t Stop Eating!” screams one. “Don’t Call Me Fat!” – another. Look, I’m no fan of any of the Jenner-Kardashians, but girlfriend is pregnant. People need to lay the hell off with the bodytalk, especially when the body they’re talking about has a tenant.

    Try to be klassy, tabloids!

  20. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Man, I thought Emma Roberts’ was going to put up some fight against KK but with just that first vile outfit the walking waste of space just splattered her all over my screen.

  21. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Oddly, with the full blaring fuggery that is two games of Fug Madness and four contestants, Halle Berry’s first two outfits don’t look too bad! Truly madness.

  22. Mongerel
    0

    I look at Halle pictures then scroll past the ones of her contestant thing, whoever that is, then get to the poll, and Halle is losing. I gotta laugh. Halle Berry and vagkin, eliminated. It’s kind of like politics, right?

    Q: Why, if the cream rises to the top, do we get scum?
    A: Because scum also floats.

  23. nobody much
    0

    I wanted so much to vote for Emma, because those rags are not clothes. But Kims fugly clothes trump Emma’s raggedy rags.
    I also had to vote for CRJ, because for cryin out loud, lady, dress your age. You’re not 5 yrs old.

  24. keekey
    0

    This grouping of four highlights how, in the early stages, it really is all about luck of the draw in the match-ups. Emma could have taken out Halle and CRJ with her car-wash bandeau tied behind her back but even Emma is no match for Kim K and the Peplum of Doom.

    Next year, Emma, next year…

  25. Cecily
    0

    Really hard, both of those, but it boiled down to the young whippersnappers don’t know any better and the older/wiser should know better. So Kim and Halle, off you go to Fug Madhouse.

  26. Mara
    0

    I think we’re giving Kanye too much credit. Have we already forgotten that this is the man who brought us Amber Rose?

    Amber Rose. Never forget.

  27. ChocoChipDstryr
    0

    Is CRJ hiding a two- or three- head under those awful bangs?

  28. alc
    0

    Kim’s white dress with forearm warmers reminds me SO MUCH of this ad:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rS3ssE4PQs

    My money’s on Kim to win the whole shebang.

  29. TonyG
    0

    I know there are many reasons to hate Kim’s clothes, but Emma… She is minimalist in her attire, but the fug is so grand. There is some style and styling going on with Kim’s fug, as outrageous as it is. But with Emma, no style…none, at all. Emma dodged a bullet here.