(1) Bella Hadid vs. (16) Constance Jablonski
As I noted when we announced the brackets, the randomness of Constance Jablonski — a model, but not a mega-famous one — making the contest can be explained with this outfit, which caused me to remind myself not to forget about her come Fug Madness time.
I think I was right to feel that way. She’s worn shapeless ruched satin, a dress that looks like it’s folded itself into an awareness ribbon, and some very Bowie pants that actually might have worked if not for the weird black patch. If those were JUST shiny peach and purple, I would not have been trying to stare at her groin in an effort to understand if that’s a fanny pack.
And don’t forget this:
She also busted out a little light nipple, just for good measure:
Oh, Constance. Welcome to the game. You DID bring some firepower. But I’m not sure how much you can stack up against Bella Hadid, who poses perhaps the greatest threat to Kim Kardashian’s dominance. Bella was, I believe, one of the first people to wade into the cesspool of those Dior branded gowns.
To honor Charles Barkley, currently a March Madness commentator, it’s trrbl. Jus trrbl. What especially bugs is that if you look at it, the contouring on the “bodice” is actually on the sheer piece, so the top is really just a white bandage and the bottom is a diaper. Great.
This dress is, obviously, tremendously naked, and she’s made sure to wear her highest-cut tangas under it. The very curious thing, though, is that she wore a nearly identical dress six months earlier at Cannes (by a different designer; this is Julien Macdonald and that’s Cavalli) and that one looked so much better on her BECAUSE IT WAS NOT SHEER. DO YOU SEE, BELLA? DO YOU? ALSO WE WISH WE COULD SEE LESS.
This “shirt” was worn with no nip covers at all. Kendall Jenner, at least, donned it with some tape over them. I cannot believe we live in a world where I’m shelling out bonus points for thinking to shield your nipples under your transparent tops, but… here we are.
Bella also is absurdly fond of things that lace. It’s more of a toss-up than you’d imagine to decide which pair is worse, this, or these that appear to burst open partway down. I also wince every time I see this holey skirt, which looks like it’s molding on her body.
But. I think we all know what lone outfit really got her here.
Bella. YOU’RE AT THE GROCERY STORE. Also, that is TIGHT and you are clearly not wearing knickers. Call it Beauty and the Yeast.
(4) Beyonce vs. (13) Alexa Chung
Why is Beyonce seeded so highly, despite so rarely leaving the house for non-performance appearances? Well. Several reasons. One, because she is Beyonce, and three outrageous fugs from her will always mean more — to me, at least, as half of the seeding committee — than nine middling things from a C-lister. The good news is, she had more than three outrageous fugs. Let’s take them in chronological order, shall we?
First, we have what she wore to the White House Easter Egg Roll, which we saw on Instagram. It is a garment that must be seen, yet prays to be forgotten.
Next, the latex sweatbox from the Met Gala:
If you really look closely, or just click here for the backside closeup, you can see the sweat pooling on her skin. The Met was all about technology in fashion; you’d think someone would have tried to invent plastic sheeting that also wicks away moisture and/or comes with its own personal cooling system. Do not make Beyonce marinate in her own fluids.
Then, the VMAs came, and so too did the drama:
She looks like a creature of myth in a Dr. Seuss cautionary tale. We are also seeing rather a lot of the contours of her pelvis, which may have been awkward when you consider that her date was Blue Ivy, whose size dictates that she may have been head-to-netted-nethers with her mother all night. Beyonce also wore this insane wedding dress to accept an award and then to the after-party.
Lest you think Beyonce did not contribute casualwear, I offer you what I call Rather A Lot Of Boob For A Tennis Match, and then this:
This outfit, right here, is the one where you realize that Beyonce may actually be really bad at getting dressed in, like, a micro daily sense. Presumably she threw that together herself and it’s a hot mess.
Back to your Regularly Scheduled Iconic Wackitude:
As you might imagine, the back of this is… not great, Bob.
And then. Her pregnancy announcement. I’ve gone back and forth on whether that wholly self-styled exercise in promenading should count, and I believe it can — but honestly, you may not even need it.
Alexa Chung has her work cut out for her here. But she’s going to take a respectable swing at it.
It’s such an emotional day when a lady begins molting from the wrists AND ankles. Mrs. Prada did Alexa wrong at the Miu Miu show in October, also:
That jacket belongs in Teen Witch and possibly Teen Witch alone, although a case could be made to put it over this and wear it to a hoedown. A
And it wasn’t just the Miu Miu show; Alexa, who is a fashion plate of sorts despite the fact that I have no idea what her career is at this point, also attended Dior in this:
This could’ve been so good without the sequined breastplate.
And I don’t care how fashion-forward Alexa is; she is NOT allowed to bring back ruffs. I didn’t much care for the style of this Prabal thing, either, and this shapeless sack is a waste of Alexa’s generally A+ lipstick game.
Apparently Beyonce isn’t the ONLY one in this matchup who’s stoked to outline her bits.
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(5) Kerry Washington vs. (12) Lena Dunham
It’s Olivia Pope, versus a Scandal megafan (I did enjoy that SNL sketch where Lena played OPA’s latest hire and she, as the viewer proxy, had EVERY QUESTION that we all have). Let’s start with the junior employee, shall we?
Lena has lately torpedoed herself with makeup. Not that this outfit isn’t pretty bad; it is, most assuredly. I still think those straps were supposed to wind around her ankles, and instead she used them to tie the shoe to her foot. Even a baby would side-eye that shirt, before spitting up on it to prevent it from being put on its body. But the makeup just makes me want to scrub her face clean.
I don’t hate that outfit, but she looks like she recently hurled acid into her own face. See how cute she is when she just keeps it clean?
Oh by the way did I mention WHAAAAAT IS SHE WEARING. That outfit is for popcorn and margaritas on your couch, not a professional discussion of your successful HBO show.
And this was very nearly Not So Bad, until we got to the bunny slippers. They’re just… silly. And she doesn’t seem to be having that much fun in them, so what’s the point? Leave your Peeps-toes at home and stop sabotaging your own aesthetic.
Kerry was sidelined by maternity leave for some of the year, although she fit in a pregnancy tube top and a beastly Met Gala frock that would only have worked if the theme was Someone Just Shot The Sheriff of Deadwood And I Am Sad About It Because He Was My Brothel’s Best Client.
She could, however, mount this campaign entirely on the strength — or, weakness, if you will — of what she wore in the last two months for the awards shows.
That’s so bad, Kerry. You look like you’re about to get married at a Fleetwood Mac beach wedding. Everyone will be required to spin around slowly three times with their arms akimbo.
This dress did not need its gigantic piece of flair.
And that’s a Rodarte, so naturally, she looks like she just wandered out of a music video about the apocalypse.
And that’s just a sad beige fail. Kerry Washington is such a beautiful woman, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen her nail an awards-season red carpet with gymnastic precision. Stick the landing next year, Kerry. I know you can do it. In the meantime…
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(8) Olivia Munn vs. (9) Ciara
I didn’t realize what a pregnant bracket this is until I got here. Doesn’t it feel like Ciara has been pregnant for a year? (She may feel that way too, honestly.) But before there was womb fruit, there was Little Miss Muffet very nearly flashing her tuffet.
She also went to a Hamptons house party in EXACTLY what I have waiting in my closet for such an occasion:
And who could forget this dark cloud:
Honestly, though, if I had to hit up the AMAs while pregnant, I’d bring my duvet too.
Ciara also hosted the Billboard Music Awards, which very much counts for this contest. You should DEFINITELY revisit her costume changes from that, beginning with this slide, and recall that she wore this on the red carpet:
If she ever actually gives birth, I assume she’ll look at this photo every day and coo, “Soon, sideboob. SOON, side-abs. By the ESPYs, all will be taut and on the table again.”
I forgot what an uneven year Olivia Munn had until we started researching this. She ended the eligibility period on such a high note, but do not forget that she began it with Balmain:
And a badly fitted bodice, to boot, with a skirt that may or may not allow for actual leg movement. This white outfit was looser, but also partly made of cobwebs. And this is just standard-issue transparency rearing its head.
She twice dabbled in Reem Acra, with depressing results.
You might THINK that little black thing is just a neck ribbon, but I interpret it as the universe trying to cross this choice off its cosmic list.
And I still maintain that is a SHIRT. Or a dress plucked from it vine before it fully ripened. But it’s not a real thing adult humans should wear without bottoms. This is also very clearly a shirt, but at least she’s doing her damndest to turn I Stole The Busboy’s Clothes into an actual outfit.
And this is the uniform for a scouting troop you DO NOT want to join, because the only merit badge is for ironing razor sharp pleats into the shorts.