“Hola, lovers.”

“No, no caps lock today, lovers. I am just blowing through town, like a wind of your envy, saying hello at some blah-blah hosted by whatever where I have to sit by a pool or something and let people look my abs and then cry. I do not mean to make them feel sad — I wore my most innocent tiny outfit! — but I cannot help being yo, and sometimes, yo is going to make you feel bad about not having an expensive trainer and a very young boy toy. Such is life, such is Lopez,  no?

Does this help at all?

“No? Ay, los siento. I tried to make the hair messy-crazy and the boobs like a tube, but lovers, I can only be me, and ahora mismo, this me is bangin’. Shh, but also, I am thinking of using this as the flag of Lopezitania — Lopezland? East Blockmany? I will decide later — when I take all my favorite lovers and make an Olympic country. I would win the gold medal in everything. Kerri Walsh? This body will snap you like a twig. Swimmers? You will forfeit to me because you do not want to be seen in a bathing suit next to this. Diving? Eh, you can have that one. The Lopez does not plummet.”

[Photos: Getty]