Lopezly Lopezed, Jennifer Lopez

“Hola, lovers.”

“No, no caps lock today, lovers. I am just blowing through town, like a wind of your envy, saying hello at some blah-blah hosted by whatever where I have to sit by a pool or something and let people look my abs and then cry. I do not mean to make them feel sad — I wore my most innocent tiny outfit! — but I cannot help being yo, and sometimes, yo is going to make you feel bad about not having an expensive trainer and a very young boy toy. Such is life, such is Lopez,  no?

Does this help at all?

“No? Ay, los siento. I tried to make the hair messy-crazy and the boobs like a tube, but lovers, I can only be me, and ahora mismo, this me is bangin’. Shh, but also, I am thinking of using this as the flag of Lopezitania — Lopezland? East Blockmany? I will decide later — when I take all my favorite lovers and make an Olympic country. I would win the gold medal in everything. Kerri Walsh? This body will snap you like a twig. Swimmers? You will forfeit to me because you do not want to be seen in a bathing suit next to this. Diving? Eh, you can have that one. The Lopez does not plummet.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Comments (32):

  1. Eliza Bennett

    The Lopez does not plummet. Brava! It’s true. I tried to hate dress dos and …no puedo. I hate every individual bit of it, but on her with that face….

    • Amber

      I totally agree. It should be bad, but she looks great. I don’t get it.
      Also, “The Lopez does not plummet.” Truer words have never been spoken.

  2. Beth

    That blue dress looks like a TARDIS, right?

  3. Shannon

    Just snorted diet coke out of my nose in response to “The Lopez does not plummet” comment. HILARIOUS. Also, that first outfit is simply heinous.

  4. val.

    Those shorts could stand to be an inch longer, maybe? She looks good, but at some point isn’t there an age where you just shouldn’t wear outfits like that?

  5. kissmyang

    I’m a little “bummed” there was not comment on the back of that blue tube.

  6. McLisa

    My GOD! I can’t stand her, but WOW she looks amazeballs in that blue dress.

  7. Joemama

    I can’t say I’m feeling the shorts outfit, in fact, I bet it feels a bit scatchy…but the blue dress! Dios Mio! She looks great in it. And it’s not fair because she shouldn’t; it’s not that great of a dress. How do you spin your web of fantastic, JLo? Few could reinterpret the flag of Greece on their bosom and look so caliente.

  8. Art Eclectic

    I’ve come to the conclusion that La Lopez is the Elizabeth Taylor of this generation. She will marry a bazillion times and still be intriguing us when she’s wearing designer caftans in her rocking chair with $100k of jewelry on at 8 am.

    • mary lou bethune

      She is like the great Elizabeth only in her predilection for marrying everyone. She has not the beauty, self knowledge, wit, talent of Elizabeth….

  9. Anna

    Does her tan stop at the ankles in that first photo, or is it just me?

    • vandalfan

      The first shoes have a beige ribbon high up on the ankles, and are peep-toe snakeskin platforms with something going on in back. I don’t like either of her shoe selections, personally.

    • Clarence Beeks

      I think there are ankle straps on her shoes.

      her body looks AMAZING in both those outfits…….not crazy about either of them, but she somehow pulls them off….Bitch.

  10. Francesca

    Guess that gift certificate to Forever 21 really made her happy.

  11. Sajorina

    I like the 2nd outfit… That’s the way she should look: cute, fresh, well put together and age appropriate! FAB! Even though the 14 year old me loves the cropped top & shorts set, I can’t condone her wearing it, especially with those monstrosities on her feet! Lo siento, lover, pero no me gusta… FUG!

  12. Zoe

    Prince Harry was at this party! Why no bonus prince pictures?!

  13. Guerra

    She looks amazing!! I love the first one, it’s so fresh and summery. I mean she way by a pool! Love her..

  14. jean

    I love the blue outfit on her and her face …she suddenly looks fresher there. If she’s had fillers, it’s well done because she looks totally like herself, but 29ish. Or it’s great make-up. Whatever, it works. The white outfit is a bit much for anyone not sitting by a pool or at the beach. If she wore that to get ice cream in Hawaii (unlike say leather pants), no problem.

  15. Rubee

    The blue dress is too starlet-generic for may taste. Its tight cut and bodice’s lack of inner support makes me think it was in fact conceived with the 20′s buyer sector in mind. She ended up looking like a beautiful someone who’s starting in the business and is trying to rave the media in her much prized off-the-sale-rack sexy dress. The short outfit failed to be dressed up by those shoes, it belongs to the beach resort with flip flops. Other than that she looks fantastic !!!!

  16. emilythorne

    Omg she looks so pretty in the blue dress. Different, I think, for her: no shiny shiny shiny!

  17. Diana

    Is she carrying a white Birkin with that teeny tiny white shorts and crop top outfit??

  18. Erika

    OMG!!! I laughed sooo hard!!!!!!!!!!! :D

  19. Gabz

    Dress and hair= chachi fail. Perfect for the block though. Tiny shorts, big purse = LOL!!!