Okay, first of all, y’all, don’t even ask me what’s going on with Jason’s hair because I don’t know. I think he saw how good my extensions are looking — aren’t y’all SO RELIEVED that my extensions are looking better? Jamie Lynn always says that my weave is the window to my soul and when it’s looking janky that’s how she knows to take any kind of stabby accoutrements away from me, whatever that means. Isn’t Stabby Accoutrements a store in the Westside Pavillion? I don’t know. Anyway, they look good now and that’s how y’all know that I’m doing okay in terms of what my dad calls my “mental” “state” and ANYWAY WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS: I think Jason is jealous of my lustrous and non-stabby hair and is trying to grow some for his own self but every morning when I see it all bed-headed up, I’m like, “Y’ALL WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS” but the thing is that he’s really nice to me and he helps me to be basically non-crazy and therefore I guess it doesn’t REALLY matter what his hair looked like. After all, I was once married to a back-up dancer with cornrows, so things could TOTALLY BE WORSE.
I KNOW RIGHT? I mean, is this the best dress you’ve ever seen on a person in your life, ever? NO. It’s not even maybe the best I have ever looked, EVER, but it IS the best I have looked in a REALLY REALLY LONG time and if there is anyone who should be wearing a quasi-bandage dress places it is BRITNEY SPEARS, right? Because my new stylist Tortuga told me that I have a BANDAGE DRESS ENERGY and I have sort of no idea what that means but I kind of think it’s probably true, especially now that my abs are so rocking again AND THAT is why I told him that I wouldn’t wear this unless it was like half a size too small and he was all, “ugh” but he let me do it and then he was all, “okay, this could be worse” and I was all, I TOLD YOU and THAT is why I kept telling my managers that the tour for my actually really catchy new album should be called the It Could Be Worse tour and they laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and then they stopped laughing really suddenly and were all, “no.”
To sum up: I’m better, my outfit’s better, my hair is WAY better, my boyfriend is better (but his hair is worse but we decided we don’t care because at least he’s not monopolizing my deep fryer K FED and whoops I forgot that we weren’t blaming Kevin for things anymore because of how we all found out that he was actually sort of a decent guy during that period of time We Don’t Talk About where I was all Britney McCrazy Eyes which was VERY CONCERNING for everyone because secretly y’all really want me to return to snake-dancing form because you have soft spots for me the size of a large land mass and ALSO my music is like the best music for cardio ever and when I was all cracked out, you couldn’t really listen to it without being a little sad and everyone hates to be sad) and also I don’t care about Justin anymore because I’m bored of him because anyone who dated Jessica Biel on-and-off for that long like they think they’re Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton must have an over-inflated sense of something or other and SERIOUSLY IT’S JESSICA BIEL SHE IS NOT RICHARD BURTON WHO CARES.
I have to go brush my new hairs but I love you!