Letter of Truth: Part I’M BACK


well-played

Hey y’all!

Okay, first of all, y’all, don’t even ask me what’s going on with Jason’s hair because I don’t know. I think he saw how good my extensions are looking — aren’t y’all SO RELIEVED that my extensions are looking better? Jamie Lynn always says that my weave is the window to my soul and when it’s looking janky that’s how she knows to take any kind of stabby accoutrements away from me, whatever that means. Isn’t Stabby Accoutrements a store in the Westside Pavillion? I don’t know. Anyway, they look good now and that’s how y’all know that I’m doing okay in terms of what my dad calls my “mental” “state” and ANYWAY WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS: I think Jason is jealous of my lustrous and non-stabby hair and is trying to grow some for his own self but every morning when I see it all bed-headed up, I’m like, “Y’ALL WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS” but the thing is that he’s really nice to me and he helps me to be basically non-crazy and therefore I guess it doesn’t REALLY matter what his hair looked like. After all, I was once married to a back-up dancer with cornrows, so things could TOTALLY BE WORSE.

I KNOW RIGHT? I mean, is this the best dress you’ve ever seen on a person in your life, ever? NO. It’s not even maybe the best I have ever looked, EVER, but it IS the best I have looked in a REALLY REALLY LONG time and if there is anyone who should be wearing a quasi-bandage dress places it is BRITNEY SPEARS, right? Because my new stylist Tortuga told me that I have a BANDAGE DRESS ENERGY and I have sort of no idea what that means but I kind of think it’s probably true, especially now that my abs are so rocking again AND THAT is why I told him that I wouldn’t wear this unless it was like half a size too small and he was all, “ugh” but he let me do it and then he was all, “okay, this could be worse” and I was all, I TOLD YOU and THAT is why I kept telling my managers that the tour for my actually really catchy new album should be called the It Could Be Worse tour and they laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and then they stopped laughing really suddenly and were all, “no.”

Whatever.

To sum up: I’m better, my outfit’s better, my hair is WAY better, my boyfriend is better (but his hair is worse but we decided we don’t care because at least he’s not monopolizing my deep fryer K FED and whoops I forgot that we weren’t blaming Kevin for things anymore because of how we all found out that he was actually sort of a decent guy during that period of time We Don’t Talk About where I was all Britney McCrazy Eyes which was VERY CONCERNING for everyone because secretly y’all really want me to return to snake-dancing form because you have soft spots for me the size of a large land mass and ALSO my music is like the best music for cardio ever and when I was all cracked out, you couldn’t really listen to it without being a little sad and everyone hates to be sad) and also I don’t care about Justin anymore because I’m bored of him because anyone who dated Jessica Biel on-and-off for that long like they think they’re Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton must have an over-inflated sense of something or other and SERIOUSLY IT’S JESSICA BIEL SHE IS NOT RICHARD BURTON WHO CARES.

I have to go brush my new hairs but I love you!

BRITNEY

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Comments (58):

  1. Lana
    0

    She has, what I like to call, sad eyes. She looks sad all the times.

  2. Stefanie
    0

    Awww! It makes me happy to see her look good.

  3. Stefanie
    0

    Lana- I really think she IS sad all the time.

  4. anne
    0

    Coffee snorted out of nose laughter. Painful. Totally worth it, though.

  5. Agent Scully
    0

    This is the best post ever. EVER. And so, so true. Britney looks amazing. And I’m so happy for her. Seriously, how can anyone hate her? She’s just too cute.

    And that Time Which Will Not Be Named was really sad, y’all. I’m so happy to be happy for her happiness, ya know?

  6. Alexandra Tsaritsa
    0

    NO ONE likes to do cardio when they’re sad. This was hilarious!

    http://thetsaritsasez.com

  7. Julie
    0

    I’m not familiar with Ms. Spears except through your amusing blog, but I had to say the first thing I thought of when I read “Hey y’all” was Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob. Yes, I’ve been watching spongebob for years, and it’s obviously gotten to me. Also, my daughter walked in and thought BS looked fake and like a Barbie. But, she didn’t roll her eyes, whatever that might mean.

  8. Anne B
    0

    So, I tried. I did.

    But Brit now reminds me of the formerly feral cat who comes over and hangs with me when I’m staying with my parents in L.A., whenever the whole caregiving thing gets to be just **uuugggghh** and I need to go outside for a while. The cat (who’s always had a thing for my silent, sweet, English dad) comes over and sits down a little ways from me. Then next to me. Then on my lap.

    I love that cat. I know someone (lots of people?) hurt her. But she’s sweet despite that, despite everything. Sweeter, even.

    WAY TO GO, Brit. Lemon-lime it up, hit us all one more time with your Diet Sprite bandage dress. And Vanilla Twizzlers shoes (???)!!

    I think I might actually love you. <3

  9. Lina
    0

    Awww, poor kid. She looks so old for her age. I wish the dress were a size larger — it would look jaw-droppingly *classy* if it were — but given that it’s Britney, this is sort of great. As for the hair, it’s WAY TOO PLAYBOY BUNNY for my taste and for her skintone. It also looks worryingly crunchy. (But wouldn’t it be amazing if she suddenly came out with a genuinely great album? Hell would freeze over! It would be epic!)

  10. K.
    0

    Much better! That dress is a little small and I would actually like to see her skip the extensions altogether (let Naomi Campbell be a cautionary tale!), but at least these are groomed and her tracks aren’t showing. I don’t like the outfit itself, but she looks good in it.

    @Lana: she does have sad eyes. I have heard rumors that she is indeed miserable being in show biz. I know someone who worked on her fragrance and they said her handlers didn’t let her do ANYTHING and she only spoke when spoken to; I’ve heard the same thing about her Glee appearance. But at the very least, she doesn’t look as … unwell as she used to.

  11. Laura
    0

    Not a big fan of those shoes though.

  12. candice
    0

    she does look good. she, again, has legs that i *covet*. Is it weird that i want her to give her boobs a tug upward? it looks like they’ve slipped down a bit lower than they’re supposed to be in the dress. but, yes, she looks shiny and clean and well-kempt. that word looks weird spelled out.

  13. Carolina Girl
    0

    I was too old for Britney the first time around, so I’m not really all that invested in her happiness. But I must say that she looks better than she’s looked in a really long time. Her skin is good, her teeth are blindingly white, and her extensions are magnificent. For all this I am willing to overlook the too small dress and the shoes that look like they are made of PVC.

  14. Edith
    0

    It’s a Letter of Truth! Yaaaay! I’ve missed these.

    Also, SO TRUE about Justin and Jessica. We don’t care about Justin anymore either, largely because, as Britney so beautifully put it, Jessica Biel is NOT RICHARD BURTON.

  15. Melissa
    0

    I saw a picture from this event 10 minutes ago on People.com, and came to your site to find your email address to ask that you give her a Well Played. You even gave the weave a shout out – Thanks! I think she’ll always have Crazy Eyes though (although I’d like to think it’s a mix of crazy, sad, and probably a bit of embarassment over The Time Which Will Not Be Named).

  16. Emshaw
    0

    I agree, I think this is the best she has looked forever but I still think she looks pretty unwell… I don’t know, just something about her eyes and her fake smile and how the dress doesn’t quite fit her… I don’t know. Whenever I see pictures of her I get sad for her.

  17. Halo
    0

    I can’t explain my affection for Britney, but I do always root for her. She looks nice for her.

  18. JanetP
    0

    Awesome! Her here, and her Letter of Truth.

    I have to remember to not be eating when I read the Fug Girls.

  19. m
    0

    I wish I could tug the waist of her dress down, like, an INCH (either that or hoist her boobs up and tape them there), but otherwise, she looks fantastic. Welcome back, honey!

  20. Rachel
    0

    Her music is absolutely the best for cardio. What? You wanna piece of me, treadmill?

  21. Aria
    0

    She does look soooo much better, though I wish the dress just fit a little better and the shoes seem to be a a cross between and orthopedic shoes and a platform jelly sandal. Still, compared to some other outfits, this is made of win!

  22. Kris
    0

    Aw, I’m from the Britney era and I am GLAD to see that she’s turning out okay. Or at least looks like it in this pic.

  23. Ranee Singleton
    0

    And speaking of things/persons we haven’t seen or heard from in a while, what happened to Aunt Fugly and Intern George? So many lovable characters.

    And in my head, I can actually hear Britney saying this as I read it!

  24. eee
    0

    I want to give Britney a hug. She looks great, and yes, definitely scores better than in the past (recent and otherwise). But I still think she needs girlfriends who’ll just give her hugs and listen to her.

  25. Leah
    0

    This was a major scrolldown fug for me. I had this delusion that the tight top would give way to a demure sundress on the bottom. But it jus gets tighter and tighter, then culminates in my grandmother’s nosy neighbor’s orthopedic sandals.

  26. Edith
    0

    Damnit, I just spent waaay too much time going through her archive. This one is classic, of course: http://gofugyourself.com/letter-of-truth-emergency-week-02-2007

    But this one is saddest: http://gofugyourself.com/letter-of-fug-the-refuggening-05-2006

    Looking through all that, I think it’s possible that she hasn’t looked better in the past 6 years. Amazing.

  27. vinniepop
    0

    I was just lamenting the other day about how it’s been forever since we’ve had a Britney Letter of Truth…and now I’m just SO happy! Seriously – the Britney, J. Lo and Kanye first-person posts are some of the best stuff on here. Welcome back, Brit!

  28. PinkieBling
    0

    Awww, Brit-Brit! This Letter of Truth (all hail its return!) sums up exactly how I feel about her. She has definitely been doing some cardio – I wonder if she listens to her own music?

  29. PinkieBling
    0

    Also: the shoes are very, very bad.

  30. Jeanie
    0

    Oh Britney! I can’t help but root for you! You look good, girl!!

  31. vandalfan
    0

    The rambling line in parenthesis in the last paragraph is a miracle of prose. Well played, Fug Gals, well played.

  32. Amanda
    0

    She really, really does look awesome. I hope she is truly happy. I wasn’t ever really a Britney fan, but lately I do root for her.

  33. Jo
    0

    God. I was also eating while reading it. Bad idea, bad, bad idea.

    I love you, Fug Girls. Oops, I meant Brit. AND J Lo.

  34. Sally
    0

    Letter of Truth second only to a J-Lo appearance. Yeah!! but, are those shoes PLASTIC? They look like a lawn chair from Wal-Mart.

  35. Kathryn
    0

    Oh god. I needed that laugh. That was amazing.

    Your next book should just be a compilation of all your impersonations: J.Lo, Kaney, Britney, and Intern George.

    Wow, I actually really, really want to read that now!

  36. Anne B
    0

    My deeply affectionate comment is still unapproved?

    (sigh)

  37. Laura
    0

    Oh how I have missed the letters of truth! They make me laugh! Honestly I hear her when I read them! (I really do have a soft spot for her…I do not know why just do)

  38. val.
    0

    I think Britney could stand to go a little longer with her dresses.

    She looks good here– for Britney– but on anyone else it would be a Fug.

    And I’ve always wondered this about extensions: why not just grow your hair out? I mean, I can see it if you want a temporary longer look, but people like Britney and Paris have had them for YEARS and in the meantime their own hair could have been just as long.

  39. ThaliaM
    0

    She does look SO much better, especially in the hair. Although I’d love to see her sans extensions someday! But those shoes really do look like orthopedic lawn chairs. And has anyone else noticed that poor Brit has the thickest neck, ever? It’s all I can ever notice. I don’t know the proper way to dress for a thick neck, but Brit hasn’t found it quite yet.

  40. Tara Misu
    0

    I think she looks great! I wanted to mother her during the Time We Don’t Talk About… just pick her up, hug her and tell her she is worthy.

  41. kiki
    0

    @Val – I’m assuming you either have never been the owner of platinum-blonde hair, or are one of those genetic mutants with long thick blonde hair who I not-so-secretly despise. But as I explained on another post a few days ago….in general, hair that’s been processed that much is not so keen on the growing. It pretty much just breaks. Oh it might grow a bit, but then it breaks again. I just had to chop mine off because it was turning into a mullet because all the front half ever does is break. So, yeah. That’s where extensions come in. Not everyone is descended from horses.

    Also, Britney looks pretty good here. Her muscles are just awesome.

  42. Kat from Jersey
    0

    She looks great for Brit-brit, but really, is that saying much!? Nah, she looks cute. But I am so, so over the tight ultra mini-dress, on anyone. Blah!

  43. Jessica
    0

    [Anne B, I think your comment is up now; we have a very touchy spam filter, but if anything you write (that's not insane) doesn't go up right away, it's just because something in it set off the "check this" alarm on our said filter and I'm probably away from my desk and haven't seen it yet. All will be approved eventually]

  44. Leone
    0

    Damn, those are some seriously fugly shoes. They look downright orthopedic. Not a huge fan of the dress but I’m giving her a pass because it’s been a LONG time since she’s come close to looking this good. Glad to see her looking better.

  45. val.
    0

    @kiki Thanks for the explanation. I hadn’t put two and two together regarding bleach + extensions. I also must be descended from a horse because I have too much hair that grows far too fast.

  46. vandalfan
    0

    (for goodness sakes, what did Anne B say?)

  47. Erin
    0

    Britney’s who I pictured playing Miss Celia in “The Help.”

    Even though this is tight, I think she looks great, and I hope – despite her sad eyes – she is truly happy.

  48. Geemee
    0

    I have never been so happy to see a good weave in all my life. Fer reals.

  49. Chris
    0

    …Fug Girls, you have sold me on Femme Fatale. And it was mostly that LAST LINE.

    (Jessica Biel is totally not Richard Burton. And JT is no Dame Elizabeth. Even if I secretly did bad falsetto singalongs to “My Love” back in 2006.)

    Anyway, on the clothes:

    I would get that hair as a wig, and I don’t even do drag.

    The shoes are…honestly, not that offensive to me. I’ve seen more heinous in the past week. (See the terror that Alexa Chung decided to put on her feet.) They do look a bit cheap, but I’m not really offended. It’s really the material for me – it looks like plastic, and I think it might work better as cloth?

    The dress is…not doing her any favors. The dress is too small for her boobs, and I can imagine that’s one reason why she has that “OKAY JUST LOOK HAPPY” expression on. If her boobs were where they’re supposed to be, it’d be roundly (and deservedly) fugged. I think the bodice needs to be bigger and the neckline needs to be a bit higher to compensate.

    But she looks healthy, and that’s the main thing.

  50. ames
    0

    omg I missed the Britney posts as much as I miss actualfax Britney. <3 <3 <3

  51. Lynette
    0

    Oh FUGirls. Thank you. I really will feel much better doing my cardio knowing that Britney is not sad and stabby anymore. Thank you.

  52. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Yes, healthy etc etc. Above waist very promising. And it’s a bare shoulder look that doesn’t look too bare.

  53. yvetterene
    0

    Wow!!! She looks amazing. Very attractive. I hope she keeps it up.

  54. megs283
    0

    go britney go!

  55. Happyfirefly
    0

    Her shoes look like they are made from vinyl beach chair webbing. You know, the kind that your butt slips through and you end up with the most awful looking skin creases?

  56. Pamfug
    0

    Why does she have on old-lady shoes?

  57. sarrible
    0

    It really bothers me that her boyfriend looks so much like that hot guy from True Blood. No, the other one. The OTHER one.

  58. Soapstef
    0

    I do love to see Brit looking well, but I have to ask……will we ever see her with a full head of real hair again in our lifetime?

    BTW…her guy is cuter than I thought.