Letter of Truth: Fug the Cover


OH Y’ALL. I have thoughts:

Remember my song LUCKY? “She’s so lucky/she’s a star/but she cries cries cries in her lonely heeeeeaaaaaaaaaaart, thinking:/’If there’s nothing missing in my LIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFE/then whhhhhhhhhy dooooooooooo the tears come at night?’” Obviously you do because that song is amazing. It’s on the top ten list of Favorite Britney Spears Songs With Spoken Interludes In Them, a list made by me, Britney Spears. (Obviously “Oops” is number one because it’s so timeless.) Tonight, the tears are coming because Lucky decided to paste someone else’s face and someone else’s hair on someone else’s body and tell everyone it’s me when, y’all, I didn’t even pose for this photo and didn’t even know I was on the cover of Lucky until I put on some sweatpants and went outside and got my mail and found this between my Lillian Vernon catalog and the Doritos Locos taco I stuck in the mailbox to save for later and then forgot about. And Jason was all, “Baby, don’t worry about it. Now you know what it would look like if you kidnapped Faith Hill and went all Silence of the Lambs and decided to wear her face” and I was all, “why don’t you shut up? You don’t own me and I don’t even know what that means” and he was all, “actually legally I kinda do own you in a way because of the conservatorship situation” and then I threw a milkshake in his face. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING THE SAME WEEK THAT JUSTIN MARRIED WHATSHERNAME. (But I’d like to thank my friends at People for sticking a wee tiny picture of me looking hot on the same cover of as them because it’s like I’m saying I’M WATCHING YOU TWO because guess what? I AM.) At least my outfit is cute.

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Comments (47):

  1. Remi
    0

    it’s the cheeks.

  2. Andrew S.
    0

    Lucky actually released a public apology over this after the fan outrage! LOVE that.

  3. Eliza Bennett
    0

    The actual interview with her is on luckymag.com. I love Britney, and she seems better than in her umbrella brandishment days, but something about the story is cringey.

  4. Mair Mair
    0

    All that photoshop technology at Lucky’s disposal, and this is the outfit they picked? Inconceivable.

    • openroses
      0

      I am hearing Wallace Shawn say “Inconceivable” there. It is making my life great.

  5. Lindy
    0

    I don’t even think the outfit is cute. Britney is 30; that’s an outfit for a teenager with the big polka dots and the tiny, twee bow.

  6. Lynne
    0

    The skirt and belt could be cute but what bargain bin did they pull that shirt from? And in what year?

  7. nick
    0

    she looks like blond connie britton. connie britney?

  8. Erin
    0

    The left side of her face looks like her. The right? Notsomuch. I’m assuming whomever signed off on this HAS seen a picture of Brit within the last few years, no? Her face looks like what would happen if Picasso were a celebrity photographer.

  9. Kris
    0

    Someone replaced her face with Sarah Chalke’s.

  10. Jane
    0

    I seriously thought this was Tami Taylor for a hot second. Like a Tami Britney melange.

    But THIS: “Y’all, I didn’t even pose for this photo and didn’t even know I was on the cover of Lucky until I put on some sweatpants and went outside and got my mail and found this between my Lillian Vernon catalog and the Doritos Locos taco I stuck in the mailbox to save for later and then forgot about.”

    I DIE. Bless you for this.

  11. Helen
    0

    Lillian Vernon and Doritos Locos taco, ha ha ha… but I may have laughed the hardest at “Oops” being timeless. And the conversation with Jason.

    And yeah. This is a perfectly cute girl they’ve concocted, but she isn’t Britney.

  12. Kat
    0

    Aw, I like the outfit. It’s very Kate Spade… kind of a modern update to a more 50s look.

  13. Amanda in Austin
    0

    Someone at People magazine has a wicked sense of humor.

  14. Cat
    0

    I think the outfit is adorable, but seriously wish magazines would stop Photoshoping celebrities so they are unrecognizable.

  15. Kathleen Trail
    0

    Huh, I thought Leeza Gibbons was making a comeback at first.

  16. amys
    0

    So they make wigs with dark roots? I particularly hate the hot pink belt. I love me some pink and red, but this incarnation is nails on a chalkboard for me. Of course, in the end, fugnation’s pulling for you, Britney. Be well.

    • Helen
      0

      The hair is probably all photo editing, like, apparently, everything else here.

  17. Mouse
    0

    The photoshopping and pose make me think this is a Britney Barbie they stood up and posed for the cover when they couldn’t get the real Britney.

  18. theotherjennifer
    0

    she will never ever be Faith Hill, no matter how much Photoshop they use.

  19. lori
    0

    The weirdest thing is the way her entire body faces forward but her chest has turned 90 degrees and is rushing towards the left edge of the picture.

  20. Donna4Eva
    0

    Is this a picture from Tami Taylor’s college days? That would explain the c. 1991 bodysuit. And the fact that this is obviously an old picture of Connie Britton.

  21. Annie S.
    0

    She looks like a blonde Theresa Giudice from RHoNJ.

  22. Kate
    0

    They made her look like Kim Zolciak.

  23. Elisabeth Granquist
    0

    She looks so much (to me) like Tami Taylor . . . maybe it’s the eyes? At least the “y’all” still fits.

  24. marie
    0

    J, have you read Lainey’s take on that cover? they say People did that intentionally because they were pissed off with the quality of pictures JT sent over! hah!

    • openroses
      0

      You mean like the “I’m jumping for joy as far away from my lovey bride as possible” photo?

  25. youknowwho
    0

    I am wildly upset about that atrocious wig, but the width of her NECK makes me madder. (Oh god, I’m getting all capsy.) WTH happened?? From ear to ear, her neck is about two feet wide, which is in no way acceptable. You can see it by looking past her wrist; it’s as wide as a rhino.

    And her face seriously does look like two different people, spliced symmetrically right down her nose. The left side belongs to a different person than the right side.

    • Gill
      0

      The neck is the first thing that jumped out at me, too, and now I can’t unsee it. It’s actually disorienting.

  26. Vandalfan
    0

    Unrecognizable.

  27. Tessa
    0

    I was looking at the cover picture thinking I don’t know who this Britney person is. Then I looked at the first line of the post: “OH Y’ALL.” Oh wait…. that’s supposed to be Britney SPEARS?

  28. Kirst
    0

    Why is she wearing Lisa Faulkner’s face? Especially since Lisa Faulkner got her face shoved in a deep fat fryer in Spooks.

  29. Blair's Head Band
    0

    The center part of her hair and forehead/hairline are 100% Blonde Teresa Giudice.

  30. Jo
    0

    The top is by Stella M-for her it’s quite nice…

  31. Aaron
    0

    Look carefully, folks. That’s not really her and her stand-in is actually on the cover of “LUKY” magazine.

  32. AlisonC
    0

    I missed all this because I am in Ireland, so I thought they were apologising for writing Easy, Sexy over the top of a picture of Britney!

  33. ML
    0

    Frankenbritney outrage aside, those of us with big boobs who love fashion and need to know what to wear are still awaiting that answer on page 52. I mean, just saying…

  34. Lily1214
    0

    Photoshopped to death??

  35. srf
    0

    why did they have to use a full wig?

  36. Heather
    0

    When I pulled this out of the mailbox, my first thought was, “oh, I KNOW the fug girls are going to do a fug the cover on this!”