OH Y’ALL. I have thoughts:
Remember my song LUCKY? “She’s so lucky/she’s a star/but she cries cries cries in her lonely heeeeeaaaaaaaaaaart, thinking:/’If there’s nothing missing in my LIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFE/then whhhhhhhhhy dooooooooooo the tears come at night?’” Obviously you do because that song is amazing. It’s on the top ten list of Favorite Britney Spears Songs With Spoken Interludes In Them, a list made by me, Britney Spears. (Obviously “Oops” is number one because it’s so timeless.) Tonight, the tears are coming because Lucky decided to paste someone else’s face and someone else’s hair on someone else’s body and tell everyone it’s me when, y’all, I didn’t even pose for this photo and didn’t even know I was on the cover of Lucky until I put on some sweatpants and went outside and got my mail and found this between my Lillian Vernon catalog and the Doritos Locos taco I stuck in the mailbox to save for later and then forgot about. And Jason was all, “Baby, don’t worry about it. Now you know what it would look like if you kidnapped Faith Hill and went all Silence of the Lambs and decided to wear her face” and I was all, “why don’t you shut up? You don’t own me and I don’t even know what that means” and he was all, “actually legally I kinda do own you in a way because of the conservatorship situation” and then I threw a milkshake in his face. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING THE SAME WEEK THAT JUSTIN MARRIED WHATSHERNAME. (But I’d like to thank my friends at People for sticking a wee tiny picture of me looking hot on the same cover of as them because it’s like I’m saying I’M WATCHING YOU TWO because guess what? I AM.) At least my outfit is cute.