“THANK YOU, GQ, WISE BESTOWERS OF STATUES, FOR SEEING WHAT’S TRUE WHICH IS THAT MY BOO IS THE DOPEST VIEW, THE TOTAL CHEESE FONDUE, THE KOALA’S BAMBOO, THE STRONGEST HOME BREW, HOTTER THEN EVERY BRITISH HUGH, NOT JUST DINNER BUT THE WHOLE MENU. SHE WHIPPED UP SOMETHING SPECIAL, SOMETHING WITH POP: SHE TOOK HAUTE COUTURE AND CUT OFF THE TOP AND PUT A LEATHER PROP UNDER HER GIFT SHOP, THE WHISTLE TO MY STOP, MY FAVORITE PLACE TO FLOP. SHE’S SICKER THAN NUTELLA, ALL SPLASH MEETS BARBARELLA EXCEPT WITH A DOPE-ASS FELLA WHOSE MATCHING CLEAVAGE IS BLAZIN-HELLA (BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M HAPPY FOR KIM AND I’MMA LET HER FINISH BUT SHE SHOULD’VE WORN GIVENCHY BECAUSE MY MAN RICCARDO TISCI CAN TURN PLAIN UGLY INTO HISTORY BUT YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT FROM ME). OH LOOK SOMEONE’S CALLING MY PHONE MACHINE. HEY THERE, JAY-Z, HOW THE HELL’VE YOU BEEN? OH YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN THE LATRINE? IS YOUR ANTI-KIM SMUG MIEN TURNING BOTTLE-GREEN BECAUSE IT’S SO OBSCENE THAT WE’RE STILL WICKED KEEN? YEAH, SUCK ON THAT, JEANINE, THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BLOW OFF OUR WEDDING AFTER WE’VE CARVED YOUR NAMES INTO THE DAMN GOLD TABLE. I MEAN REALLY. WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY. SHEESH.”
[PHOTOS: GETTY, SPLASH]
