It’s Fugplicated


By now, you may have heard that Canada’s most beloved musical children, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, are randomly betrothed. Presumably she will walk up the aisle to a k.d. lang song, Bryan Adams will officiate, Celine Dion will descend from the heavens on a swing to sing them out of the church, and then the Crash Test Dummies will play the first-dance song before ceding the stage to the Barenaked Ladies. Sorry, Smash Mouth, no soup for you.

Also, the whole affair simply must be costumed by her clothing line, which means it’ll look like a Hot Topic threw up on 1997. I can’t wait.

[Photo: WENN]

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Comments (70):

  1. Kris M
    0

    Can we not call them Canada’s most beloved musical children? I promise they’re not!

    Oh Avril, we had such high hopes for you in 2000.

  2. ortenzia
    0

    …”like a hot topic threw up on 1997″ …. hahahahahaha. please let this happen. please please let this happen.

  3. Newb
    0

    Well, that about covers most of our musical “talent” except for Drake. On behalf of all Canadians, I apologize for our contribution to this week’s gossip.

    On another note, I had never been to a Hot Topic until I visited the States a few weeks ago. What a god-awful store!! Why on earth would anyone shop there??

  4. Mary
    0

    Justin Bieber as ring bearer!!

  5. Loxy
    0

    On behalf of all Canadians, don’t call them “beloved”.

    • GFY Heather
      0

      It was sarcasm — it literally never occurred to me that anyone would think I meant it.

  6. Gigi
    0

    And like Cory Hart, they can all wear their sunglasses at night.

    Thanks for this post. I usually feel like the stereotypical clueless American when Canada’s contributions to the world or general cool lifestyle & attitude are listed. This is almost as refreshing as an ice cold Molsen.

  7. Lanita
    0

    obviously the ceremony will have to take place at the halftime show of Grey Cup……..DUH

  8. Sandra
    0

    What is she, 12 years old? I know a whole bunch of middle-schoolers who would love that outfit.

  9. Fifie
    0

    Chavril with an accent on the “Chav”.

  10. glee
    0

    And what will Shania Twain do? And Pam Anderson? (she is not musical, just very fashionable. HA!).

    • Lucille Austero
      0

      Alannis Morrisette needs something to do. She played God once, so you know she’s qualified. And can Sarah McLaughlin sing, too?

  11. Tracey
    0

    Actually, you need to include Shania Twain in this scenario because Avril is all her fault.. When Avril was 13, she won a contest to sing with Shania onstage… and the rest is history. Sad Canadian music history… I had high hopes for her too when she was a youngin’.

  12. QuiteLight
    0

    Oh… please, no… they might breed… over-processed pop pouring out of new-born pores… and it will all be blamed on Canadians.

    Please, Leonard Cohen, make this Not Happen!!

  13. TaraMisu
    0

    Isn’t he like twice her age??

    And that outfit is awful…. I had high hopes for her too way back when.

    • Electric Landlady
      0

      Nah, he’s 37, she’s 27 (not that you would know it from her fashion sense).

      Plus, she’s been married before and he hasn’t, which presumably makes some kind of difference.

      Other Canadian musicians I nominate to sing at/near the wedding: Great Big Sea, the Cowboy Junkies, Molly Johnson, Measha Brueggergosman, Feist, Blue Rodeo, K’naan, K-Os, the Barber siblings, and over in the folky-girl-music corner, Dala, the Be Good Tanyas, the Wailin’ Jennys, and Basia Bulat. (I could go on but I will spare you all.) And naturally William Shatner must be present.

  14. Shiitake
    0

    The bride wore burned-out tulle in red and black. The groom wore dirty jeans and a tee shirt from the Beaver Retreat. Mazel Tov!

  15. Minutiae
    0

    I will go on record and say that I like Nickelback’s first two albums. The rest have been crap. Like Avril’s outfit.

  16. Mary
    0

    Buy this outfit for a dime at the thrift store… and you’ll get a nickel back

  17. Steph
    0

    If I recall correctly, Avril’s wedding dress when she married the first time was actually quite lovely and classic. There is… some… hope.

    Anne Murray MUST have something to do with this wedding.

    • Megan
      0

      You’re right, it was actually quite pretty. But she was younger then, and I can see her doing something “edgy” for her second wedding.

      For once, I’d like to see how she looks without eyeliner that extends to her cheekbones.

  18. Joe Dwarf
    0

    Too bad there were no Olympic medals for douchebaggery. We could won individual for Chad and team for his band.

    And just to get it off my chest and in no particular order, and in general apology for Celine Dion:

    Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Sarah McLachlan, Robbie Robertson, BTO, The Guess Who, Rush, Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, Feist, Holly Cole, Oscar Peterson, Glenn Gould, Jann Arden, Blue Rodeo, Bruce Cockburn, k.d. lang, Diana Krall, Kate & Anna McGarrigle, Metric, Ron Sexsmith, Hawksley Workman, The Tragically Hip, Ian Tyson, Gordon Lightfoot

    • Electric Landlady
      0

      ^^ this!

    • Nicole
      0

      Might I also add the ever awesome Our Lady Peace and the Skydiggers?

    • Sue
      0

      Somehow, reading the thread, I just had to contribute to the good music list as I’ve heard of everyone mentioned so far. But do you know/remember these significant Canadian acts?
      Big Rude Jake, Teenage Head, Mose Scarlett, The Vondells, Alex Pangman, Forgotten Rebels, Don Francks … these are just a few of the many great acts from my part of Canada who may (unfortunately) be new to a lot of folks.
      There are so many brilliant Canadians making music of many genres, and I get really bored hearing about the same ones (including the sacred cow of Leonard Cohen – whose work I really respect). On the other hand, all that former fuss about BSS leaves me cold and puzzled. Do people really like that?
      Let’s dig deeper, forget about mainstream ‘terrestrial’ radio, learn about what’s out there and catch live acts if you can! No insult intended, but don’t pay too much attention to who won awards (Juno, for example) either.

      • Joe Dwarf
        0

        I was just trying to list some of the ones our American friends might have heard of. There are of course a ton of bands that never make it south of the border but have careers here.

    • Heather
      0

      Yes!

  19. Megan
    0

    As a Canadian, I really object to those two being called “Canada‚Äôs most beloved musical children,” because they’re not. We hate them, too! But I lolled at the wedding description. Missing? Corey Hart, wearing his sunglasses (at night, obvs) and The Tragically Hip.

    • GFY Heather
      0

      Oh my GOSH, y’all. It was sarcasm — it literally never occurred to me that anyone would think I meant it. I thought it was really obvious that my tongue was jammed into my cheek.

      • Jenna
        0

        Ugh, I hate when people don’t get sarcasm. COME ON PEOPLE. IT WAS SO OBVIOUSLY A JOKE.

        • Tamara
          0

          LOL!!! Thank you for clarifying the sarcasm :)

          As a Canadian, I feel obliged to explain the defensiveness. We are so often the brunt of jokes in American mainstream culture, that we jump on our soapbox whenever possible to promote our own. (I got so ticked off at the cheap jokes on How I Met Your Mother that I haven’t watched the show in 3 seasons.)

          That being said, please keep Carly Rae Jepsen (sp?) Please?

  20. Kara
    0

    Avril Levigne and Nickelback’s music is exactly the same kind of terrible, so maybe it’ll work out between them.

  21. filmcricket
    0

    Best. Post. Ever.

    I too had never heard of Hot Topic until I read the Veronica Mars recaps on TWoP. I think there’s one in Toronto now, though, and good God, that’s some ugly clothing. Yeesh. Avril would fit right in. I had no hopes for her at all during any time in her career – Rufus Wainwright is more punk than she is. All I can hope is that if these two have kids they’ll decide to be accountants or something.

    • Heather
      0

      In defense of Hot Topic (!!): I got a really cute Halloween costume there a few years ago, “Saloon Girl.” I wandered in to HT after going to 3 Halloween stores in the s***y mall near where I lived in outer LA, in desperation. It’s cute and sexy without being so super-slutty that it shows my ass cheeks, as would be appropriate for a costume for a teenage girl. Of course, I was the same age as the MOTHERS who were shopping in there with their teenage daughters, and the loser cashier, who was probably about 30, hit on me. But, it was a cute costume nevertheless.

  22. Nicole
    0

    Love your site ladies and this post made me howl!!

    Might I also suggest that she’ll have Chantal Kreviazuk write her vows . . .

  23. Heironyms.
    0

    AC/DC called. They want their lightning logo back.

  24. vandalfan
    0

    I’m not sure the hand bag is supposed to be carried like that…

  25. Laucie
    0

    And yet, her new engagement ring is 14 carats and totally traditional. Go figure.

  26. ChrisH
    0

    Re: Canada’s most beloved musical children:

    Please don’t propigate this rumour. We had enough trouble with Anne Murray and Cory Hart, back in the day. The last thing we need is the CBC playing Sk8tr boi on repeat at 3AM to keep the authorities at bay.

    • GFY Heather
      0

      SARCASM! I promise! I am stunned.

      • Westie
        0

        You cheek must be killing you with your tongue jammed so hard in there. Seriously great post and great fun reading this thread!

    • Heather
      0

      I had such a crush on Corey Hart when I was 14.

  27. Joemama
    0

    Ahahaha! This post made my day! But enough aboot me, eh.

  28. inga
    0

    DUDE!! When you wrote “Celine Dion will descend from the heavens” I thought I somehow missed her death! I had to check in with Wikipedia to see she is still alive. I am so relieved now! :D

  29. KK
    0

    Robin Sparkes to officiate!

  30. Corriner
    0

    I would absolutely love to have Celine at my wedding in any capacity… chest thumping FTW!

  31. Chanda
    0

    I kept hoping to read comments about her shoes – it looks like she’s wearing aqua-colored flip flops under all that black and red. I kept thinking the shoe she has in her hand was super uncomfortable and she just wanted to wear some comfy flips.

  32. Mahastee
    0

    Not K.D. Lang! Leave her out of this!

    I guess this is why pirated music is bad, you end up with illegal downloads of the sublime KD Lang at the wedding of Bogan Royalty. (Yeah, I know you don’t really use the term “bogan” up there, but trust me, it fits).

    Oh hang on, are we here about clothes? Well, her red glasses are pretty cute, I have to say.

  33. SKGD
    0

    I’m not sure which part is funnier – your post Heather or all the comments. I think we Canadians are very concerned that no one thinks we’re cool and we try desperately to separate ourselves from some of our more well-known countrymen and country women (ha, pun there). I know the States and Canada have had issues in the past (1812 to name just one) but as a goodwill gesture we’re willing to give you Justin Bieber. :)

  34. La Petite Acadienne
    0

    Yep, the protests are simply due to sheer horror at the thought that some people might ACTUALLY think that Avril and Nickelback are popular here. They get radio play, but I honestly only know ONE person who likes either of them.

    Although when you think about it, our musicians who are MOST popular in the U.S. have often (not always, but often) tended to be our most schlocky, hokey, instant-hit-just-add-water acts. Sort of makes you wonder, huh?

    (Oh, and seconding whoever mentioned the delicious Rufus Wainwright and the ever-haunting Ron Sexsmith. And if you want to see some REAL Canadian talent…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE. I swear, she was singing it with every fibre of her body and soul.)

  35. Veronica
    0

    I don’t know, Heather. I think all of the Canadians rushing to correct you for fear of the off-chance that you were serious is almost funnier than the post itself.

  36. fritanga
    0

    Wait, I thought Smashmouth was from NoCal. They may be lame but they’re not Canadian.

    Alanis should slap the bride and groom as they emerge from the church/chapel/registry office, mostly for undoing all her (and k.d.’s) herculean efforts to make Canadians seem like badasses (if such a thing is possible).

    And Rufus must stay ten thousand miles away from this mess.

  37. Sajorina
    0

    I love Avril! I hate Nickelback! I am seriously upset about this union… I can’t even!!!

  38. ChaChaHeels
    0

    Do not be subjecting Molly Johnson, Measha Brueggergosman to any of this mess.
    Thank you.

  39. Ms. A.
    0

    That bag is making me barf.

  40. madelaine99
    0

    Pretty sure Carly Rae Jepsen is crossing her fingers right now that Chavril will decide that “Call Me Maybe” would be the perfect choice for first dance.

    We all know they’re going with Shania though. Damn traditionalists.

  41. Lauren
    0

    Whaaaaaaat I thought Chad Kroeger was gay?? No seriously.