Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty

Fug Or Fab: Kate Hudson Again

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sequins

Man, we are doing a lot of double-dipping so far this year. I think it's because Hollywood had pretty much ground to a halt over the holidays and is only just revving up its engine again. Bless the People's Choice Awards and Golden Globes for being right around the corner. The only thing that will soothe my heart in these trying times is some majorly extravagant wackitude.

Anyway, let's get back to Kate Hudson and her press tour for the execrable-looking Bride Wars. Here's what she showed up in for a David Letterman interview:

On the one hand: Sparkly! On the other, it reminds me a tad too much of the really ugly interpretive stained-glass windows in one of the churches my mom used to go to -- and generally my first reaction to a person's dress shouldn't be acid flashbacks to me kneeling in prayer, begging a higher power to stop the death-obsessed priest from giving long-winded, tragic sermons about children with no internal organs, or families who were eaten by sharks. None of which made me want to love my neighbor as much as lock myself in the house with a bag of Doritos.

poll by twiigs.com

Well Played, Rosario Dawson

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WILL: You. Are. FINE.

ROSARIO: Thanks, Will.

WILL: I don't let just anyone stand next to me, you know. I am a dapper cat. I need someone who can hold their own against the heat of my charm and suavitude. I mean, paisley? Could anyone else wear paisley? No. But I am WORKING this paisley. I have given this paisley a sensual massage and now we've moved on to champagne and strawberries and edible panties.

ROSARIO: Sure! It's true that you're very smooth, Will. I'm happy to be here with you.

WILL: But damn, Rosario, I'm serious here -- you glow. If I weren't already in a happy heterosexual marriage and equal partnership that is indestructible against the force of any human foibles, I would be all OVER you. I mean, in that dress, you look like a bridesmaid, a bit. But in a HOT way. It WORKS. You're the sexy-ass bridesmaid at the wedding that all the groomsmen decide they're going to try and hook up with after the reception, but none of them do because I get there first and woo you with sensitive conversation, sharp wit, and my mad love skills.

ROSARIO: Thanks! You are good for my ego.

WILL: I KNOW how to stroke an ego, baby. I am the master of romance. I will pour scented oil on that ego and light candles and then....

ROSARIO: Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're the man, you'll massage it and then there's champagne and panties. Noted. Now can we go inside and get this show on the road?

WILL: Not until we get one more picture of this hot love triangle between you, me, and my paisley. The world needs to SEE how it's DONE. YOUR MOVE, BECKHAM. I dare you to pull this off, boy.

ROSARIO: This is going to be a long night.

Fug on to Me

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[Photo: Splash]

"Dude, what's the big deal? I'm just being Courtney. And sometimes Courtney likes to wander around downtown Culver City looking like a downtrodden, underemployed, potentially violent and unpredictable Fraggle. So what? I'M A %#%gG&&$#!@2# ROCK STAR. If I can't pop out of my Escalade carrying a twelve thousand dollar crocodile handbag and wearing a feather I fished out of that lake thing in MacArthur Park, WHO CAN? So my shoes appear to be made out of trash. DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO WEAR TRASH SHOES? I didn't think so. Besides, I'd like to remind you that I am the woman who allowed a homeless man to suckle her bare teat at a Wendy's for photographers. This is F#$#%w$#$%(^# NOTHING. So, unwad your panties and send your angry letters to the Official Save Francis Bean Council For Rock Star Offspring, care of Kelly Osbourne, 1221 Delelicte Avenue, suite F U."

Fug or Fab: Kate Hudson

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So....Kate Hudson. On one hand, I think she's essentially not much of an actor. On the other, I have to acknowledge that she IS charming, and -- let's be honest --- I do watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days every time it's on cable. And I kind of feel like Charismatic But Not a Great Actress is a better pigeonhole to wake up in than Technically Talented And Stultifying, or something. So I am torn on her. What I am not torn on is how she appears to be doing her best J. Lo impression here, and that, ergo, her expression is hilarious:

Whither the mink eyelashes, Kate? I am also not torn on Bride Wars: it looks awful. AWFUL. Awful in the kind of way that makes you mad that people think women actually act like that, outside of the occasional episode of Bridezillas, and at this point I think we all know that like 65% of the women on Bridezillas are playing to the cameras. I spent the entire trailer wanting to grab both Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson and tell them to CHILL OUT AND HAVE THE WEDDING SOMEWHERE ELSE, GOD. And then to ask Kate why she thought the bangs she's sporting in the movie were a good idea. And then ask the Powers That Be if they're nervous that releasing a movie that appears to be about spoiled girls who will die if their Plaza Wedding goes awry during These Economic Times is maybe not going to play as well as it might have a couple of years ago. And I want to ask YOU, dear reader, how this dress hits you. I suspect there's something about it that's a bit too close to being a court jester, and yet I think I might like it.

poll by twiigs.com

Fugger to Daughter

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I hate to make this Pile On LiLo Day, but she really was asking for it:

[Photo: Mavrixonline.com]

Dude, that is practically a SHIRT. In fact, I believe one could argue that it's actually like...a vest. One particularly vigorous dance move or overly ambitious stint at the beer bong, and one of her tatas is going to say ta ta to her top.

Man, I've been waiting to make that terribly hacky tata/ta ta crack for TWO WEEKS NOW. Phew, it's good to be back.

2009: Fresh Year, Stale Fug

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One nice thing about wiping 2008 off my mental dry-erase board, and training myself to write the date correctly on all my checks, is that I figure there's got to be a new trend coming down the pike that will leave me pleasantly infuriated and maybe even a little nauseated by the force of my own confusion. You know, like what jumpsuits and high-waisted jeans did for me in 2007 and 2008.

So, of COURSE, my first photo-scavenging expedition of 2009 resulted in the regurgitation of that old insidious criminal: leggings. And on one of the usual suspects.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

You know what else hasn't changed in the new year? LEGGINGS STILL AREN'T PANTS. Take a memo, Lohan. Jot it down right under "beg Tina Fey to write another movie role for you" and "prune hair extensions."

But Lindsay wasn't the only offender:

Continue reading 2009: Fresh Year, Stale Fug.

The Fugity II: Full Fugtal

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Jessica already shone our judgmental spotlight on Whitney Port's head-wreath and crazy jacket, but I stumbled upon a glimpse of her full outfit and couldn't resist enabling us all to gawk at it. See, Whitney -- for the uninitiated, who (if they exist) have a wonderful, wonderful existence and should cherish it -- is a girl who, generally, seems to have an aversion to anything that is not either skintight pants, or skirts that put at least three-quarters of her skinny, mile-long legs on display. And that's fine; she should flaunt it while she's got it. But they even went so far as to stage a shot on The City of her wearing a crotch-skimming mini to her first day at work, walking past some construction workers who -- instead of hooting -- patted each other supportively on the shoulder as if to say, "Someday, Billy. If you dream big, someday you, too, can have 44-inch legs with the approximate thigh circumference of a bowling pin." In short, if Whitney isn't the mayor of Leg City, then she's at least the head of the town's zoning commission.

Which is why this is so hilarious. I'd have sooner expected Whitney to cut this thing off where the light purple becomes dark and wear THAT as a dress on its own:

Instead, she's about ten seconds away from making a maypole out of a nearby street lamp and performing "Age of Aquarius" on her trusty blade of grass. I'll slip her an extra Benjamin if she can get Spencer on the pan flute.

Fug0Fug1Fug

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You guys, I think I might be in love with 90210's AnnaLynne "Drunkface" McCord. I mean it. She BRINGS IT:

[Photo: Splash News]

And by "it," I mean "crazy outfits that you might be able to specify if you were, say, calling a highly customize-able escort service." Wigs! Trashy boots! Sultry expressions! It's like she's 2007 Britney, but more fun because I'm not stressed out about her mental health, nor do I care! It's so much fun! Thank you, Drunkface. I look forward to a long, fruitful '09 jam-packed with you showing up places in latex shorts and wigs salvaged from the dumpster outside of the Alias wardrobe department. I'm not even being sarcastic: I CAN'T WAIT.

The Fugity

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WELCOME BACK, READERS! I hope you all had a delightful New Year's Eve and that 2009 is treating you right thus far. We are happy indeed to be back in our bitch pants, and boy, have we got a lot to cover. This, for example, was from last week, but I couldn't let it pass without comment:

Behold, Whitney Port making an appearance on The Hills Aftershow (aka My Secret Shameful Pleasure). Now, I learned many things whilst watching The City this week: (a) Whitney Port is truly best as a secondary character who counsels more troubled girls on their personal problems, because she is not a particularly dramatic person on her own, which is great for HER but boring for TV, (b) Olivia Palermo has great hair/will probably prove to be the result of a fling between one of the Heathers and the devil, (c) I have terrible taste in TV, (d) models wore this headdress on the runway of most recent DVF fashion show, and (e) if you're not a model on the DVF runway, wearing this headdress makes you look a bit as though you just fell out of a VW bus on the way to the Renaissance Faire. The models looked lovely, sure, but if there is anything anyone has learned from Project Runway, fashion magazines, Top Model and Fashion Week coverage, I would hope that it would be that runway models are often styled in headgear that is AWESOME for the runway and SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS for the rest of us fools.

For example, would you wear these in real life?

Let me just say that I would love to see you try it. That means you, Whitney. I long for an episode of The City where Lauren comes to visit and you pick her up at the airport wearing a stuffed animal as a hoodie, or where you go on a date with that Australian dude wearing a Native American headdress and your vague, pause-filled non-conversation is intermittently interrupted by moments where we viewers can tell he is struggling not to ask you what the hell you're doing in it, or one where you go to the office in a tremendous straw hat and accidentally run into a phone pole right outside the front door and knock yourself out. No, seriously. That would be awesome. I dare you.

The Fug and the Fugless

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This holiday season, I am thankful for many things: My health, my family, my Dr. Murad zit-blasting face wash, the fact that it's cold enough in Los Angeles to wear coats, mulled wine, fondue, the Pittsburgh Steelers defense, the fact that the hideously, brain-searingly, stabby-makingly awful Sears ad with that Five For Fighting song is seasonal and should therefore go off the air soon... the list is long.

But on there, somewhere, is a note of gratitude that Michelle Stafford did not come upon this pattern in dress form:

For one thing, it's a rather ugly pattern, so the less of it assaulting my eyes, the better. But I'm also thankful she wore this outfit exactly as it is, because it's so AMUSING. I got a welcome laugh out of it this morning. It's ridiculous -- it's like wearing a turtleneck over your prom dress, or trying to repurpose your wedding gown by throwing on a t-shirt. She looks like a piece of furniture you'd find in the Titanic wreckage, right down to the presence of some mildew at the base. Oh, Phyllis. Why were you even AT the Valkyrie premiere? You just caught your husband making out with his ex-wife in Paris and your father-in-law VICTOR NEWMAN (whose name generally requires all-caps, as that's how everyone utters it on the show) is in prison for something he didn't do and your rich old friend is presumed dead but is actually suffering from the kind of amnesia that makes a girl color her hair and sling hash at a remote diner. You have PROBLEMS. You don't have TIME to waddle around in thigh-chafing baroque upholstery. I hope Santa puts some leg salve in your stocking.

Which segues us nicely to: Jessica and I will be taking a short Christmas break, so that we can fully concentrate on bribing Santa with brandy and cookies (EVERYONE looks nice after a few hot toddies), using way too much tape to wrap our presents, making merry with Intern George, and sleeping until noon. We will miss you, but frankly, it's not like you guys would be reading anyway. If you celebrate Christmas, your to-do list is probably a lot like the one we listed for ourselves, and if you don't, you're probably luxuriating in the fact that there's no traffic and probably very short lines in restaurants because everyone else is at home lazily lounging in front of their trees and refusing to change out of their pajamas. Barring the onset of unexpected holiday ennui, we're giving ourselves the weeks of Christmas and New Year's Eve to relax, meaning we'll be back with new posts in 2009.

Happy holidays, have a wonderful end to 2008, and as ever, thank you so much for all the love and support and occasionally deeply entertaining hate mail you've given us this year. We have the greatest readers in the world and we want nothing but the best for you all in 2009. Remember, Fug Madness is just around the corner....

XOXO,
Fugsip Girls

The Jane Austen Fug Club

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OH MAGGIE GRACE:

JUST STOP NOW. This is patently ridiculous and you know it. Although props for matching your ensemble to the backdrop. That takes some crazy-high level of coordination fetish, which I admire in theory, if only because of the psychic ability it requires.

NYFug.com: Ten Things We Learned From Celeb Fashion In 2008

Who are we to resist the siren song of the year-end wrap up? They are nigh irresistible, kind of like an open bag of M&Ms. Hence:

"Whatever Solange Wears, Do the Opposite. When your sister has invented a split personality just so she can wear a metallic robot hand, and you still look more cracked out than she does, something is terribly wrong."

I think we can all agree on that one, eh? Poor Solange. Will she ever win? Put on your robot hand and weigh in on that very serious topic, and read about the nine other searing truths we learned this year, over at NY Mag.com.

Fug Up And Drive

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Rihanna, I am flummoxed.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

Are those boot-pants -- pantaboots? bootaloons? -- like, the adult version of footie pajamas? Where does one acquire such an item? Is it supposed to save you time when your shoes and your pants are one and the same? How do you hang those up in your closet without the show part weighing them down and making them fall off the hanger? How do you get them cleaned? Do you weather-treat the entire thing? When you go hang out at a friend's house and want to kick off your shoes, but can't, do you die a little inside? When you go to someone's home and that person asks that you kick off your shoes before entering, do you just take off the bootaloons altogether and swan around in your underwear? When you get blisters, does it take you half-an-hour to put Band-Aids on them? And does every inch of the bootaloons smell like feet, since they are essentially shoes with a crotch? Don't you ever get afraid you'll have to cut yourself out of them when you're drunk and they just won't budge?

Please advise.

Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway

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Uh, this is awkward. Where to begin? Well, as one of the readers who alerted us to this pointed out, Kate Hudson could NOT have been more awkwardly Photoshopped into this scenario. I'm not even sure if that's actually HER. It might just be a Kate Hudson look-a-like, or a Kate Hudson cardboard stand-up which someone stole from the marketing department of whatever movie studio is producing the film in which she, apparently, is starring as one of the Real Housewives of Orange County. That would also explain why Hathaway is giving us that knowing, "KILL ME NOW" smirk. Also, perhaps because after suffering The Break-Up Of The Year, the last thing she wants to do is talk about weddings. If I were her, I would be asking my publicist if I could pose on the cover of, like, Can We Stop Talking About My Break-Up Monthly, or Yes, I DID Handle That Well; Let's Talk About Global Warming Or Whatever Now Weekly or Probably Just Going To Be Single For a While, But Don't Worry About Me, I'm Cool Review. That magazine has great book reviews, by the way. In case you were wondering.

Heroes: Fugs

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Oh, K BELL. We'd made SO MUCH PROGRESS in the last year! You went from Often Stumpy to Usually Fab. And yet who amongst us has not backslid? I, in fact, just absentmindedly ate two Flaming Hot Cheeto Puffs whilst making coffee. That is disgusting and wrong. And I need to stop buying them because they're like crack: I can't quit them and even though I am disgusted by myself, I don't even want to. Horrifying. So I can't hold your sequined party pants and weirdly-fitting tank top against you:

MAYBE you have a tap dancing recital later. I don't know your life.

Fug Or Fab: Kate Hudson Again

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Well Played, Rosario Dawson

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Fug on to Me

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Fug or Fab: Kate Hudson

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Fugger to Daughter

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2009: Fresh Year, Stale Fug

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The Fugity II: Full Fugtal

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Fug0Fug1Fug

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The Fugity

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The Fug and the Fugless

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The Jane Austen Fug Club

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NYFug.com: Ten Things We Learned From Celeb Fashion In 2008

Fug Up And Drive

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Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway

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Heroes: Fugs

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