How I Fugged Your One Tree Gossip Mother

Oh my god, it’s so nice that fall television is back. At LAST, something to entertain me other than my own thoughts. For example, I’ve missed the stylings of one Mr Chuck Bass:

Don’t mind the strange orange reflections in these photos. Think of it as the glowing light of the sun on Planet Misguided. For example, while no one — NO ONE — loves smarmy, delicious Chuck Bass more than I do…why is he wearing a purple suit? With a bow tie? And slicked back hair? I get that Chuck is kind of retro (for lack of a better word) but I fear that by the end of the season, he’s going to show up somewhere in a beanie with a propeller on top.

That would improve SOME PEOPLE’S looks, though:

No wonder Vanessa looks so depressed. Her hair appears to have been caught in a tragic vacuum accident and could only be rescued by emergency surgery performed with an Exacto knife. Although, she might also be sad because she’s so very stupid. Everyone knows that when you find out the dude you like is accidentally kind of a prostitute who is sort of also involved in a faux-incestuous love quadrangle, you LET BLAIR HANDLE IT.

Speaking of bad hair, I just wanted to let you all know that I think Chad Michael Murray has given up on his head-hair and is now playing around with his facial hair:

At one point last night, I looked up from my Lucky Magazine to see this and I might have actually screamed, “IS THAT A MUSTACHE?” I think it’s actually a goatee, but his upper lip seems to be beating his chin in the hair-growing contest. Because what CMM’s character really needs is to be able to stroke his goatee whilst pontificating on how hard it’s been to have two-to-three women pining for him at all times, all while balancing his career as a novelist/basketball coach with a father who’s currently being held hostage by a crazy nanny who has prevented him from getting his heart transplant. Also, I suspect his eyebrows are making a run for each other.

And while we’re on the subject of heart problems, this almost gave me an infarction last night:

Dude. Jason Segel. What is UP WITH YOUR HAIR? You’re so cute and charming and funny. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF? How am I supposed to stalk you, woo you, and marry you NOW?