I can’t even:
There are some outfits I see in our photo subscription and the MOMENT I see them I am magically transported three days into the future, where I am standing outside my mailbox flipping to the back page of Us Weekly to see who ended up in Fashion Police, because there is SIMPLY NO WAY this won’t make their five worst of the week. It just can’t miss. She’s going to be sandwiched between, like, some cracked out thing Adrienne Bailon wore for attention and Rosario Dawson’s boobs. There will be one joke involving either “tone-deaf” or “out of tune” or “this doesn’t make me very Glee-ful” and I will totally read this and nod and be all, “OH RIGHT, she DID wear that. She looks like she just spent three hours working the dunk tank at the local elementary school carnival, but instead of water, the dunk tank was full of someone’s Goodwill donations,” and then my neighbor will walk by and be like, “who are you talking to?” and I will scurry back into my cave to read more about Kim and Kanye in peace. Can’t wait for you to get here, Saturday.