Happy Fug Year


FELIZ AÑO NUEVO, AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!! 

And welcome to my TRIUMPH! Yes, that’s right, niños, I danced and sang in the RAIN. It was pouring like Blahfleck after half a flight of stairs up in this joint! Do you know the bravery it took, amigos? I am freaking MOTHER COURAGE. Madre del Coraje! But I could not let down my public. You were one giant mega-block, and I was your Jenny, and if I did not parade in front of you like the gleaming constellation, flashing my Ursa Major all up in your grills, you would have started 2010 weeping like when I walked up to Ryan Seacrest in dress rehearsal and asked him where I could find a Big Dipper, and then Marc showed up and I said, “Ah, just kidding, Ryan Seacrest, he is right here,” and then Ryan Seacrest ran away sobbing! Because I am so funny! Haahahahahahaaaa! Although he did mutter something about, “Even Orion had a BELT,” and so I think he must have been upset about his accessories?
But let us not dwell on tiny weepers, America! It is a new decade! I feel so… so…
FREEEEEE! To celebrate, how about a tall drink of BOOB SWEAT? Just kidding! HA! For one thing, I do not sweat, I leak “Live By Jennifer Lopez,” available now at quality retailers. For another, I do not sweat. So it is not boob sweat that you see there under the Gemini; it is RAIN. Remember? About the hurricane in Times Square? Where I danced? Like a hero? I was Gene Kelly up in that joint, bitches, and my boobs were my reverse-umbrella. So you cannot bring me down with your talk of wet spots and waterproof weaves and whether Cameltoenius is a new Zodiac sign! I AM REBORN! I AM YOUNG! And not because of some ceremony where I prick my finger and bleed into a cup and then mix it with goat cheese and pickles and some fresh hair of ferret, and call it La Sangre de Awesome, as my Marc insisted I must do! HA HA, Marc-y Marc! I do not need your witch science to invigorate my Funky Bunch! And if you don’t believe me, then you can KISS IT.
BESAME where it counts, mi esposo! And Happy New Year, America! This is the greatest gift I could give to you. Please send thank-you notes to my agent.
Todo mi amor,
J.Lo
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