Memo to Kim Kardashian:
SIT DOWN. Take a vacation. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going, don’t take any pictures, don’t tweet, and don’t rush back into dating Reggie Bush — a.k.a. the athlete it feels like you have been trying to replace, including with your ill-fated wedding — because you REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO STOP FOR A WHILE. Be single. Read a couple books on the beach. Wear sweatpants. Spend a week without makeup. Do something resembling anything that isn’t this.
Even Britney is like, “Y’ALL. I CAN’T LOOK AWAY FROM THEM. GET AWAY FROM ME WITH ALL YOUR BOOBS BEFORE I GET HYPMOTIZED INTO ACCIDENTALLY MARRYING YOU FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.”
(Don’t worry, purists, I totally asked Jessica to step in and write that part. I could never commune with the Spears psyche as she does.)