Grammy Awards Performance Fug: Gwyneth Paltrow


Gwyneth Paltrow

GOOP: Cee-Lo?

CEE-LO: Yes, Gwyneth?

GOOP: Can we talk?

CEE-LO: Yes.

GOOP: I’m afraid people are going to… you know…

CEE-LO: Forget you?

GOOP: Yes.

CEE-LO: That seems unlikely.

GOOP: Why, Cee-Lo?

CEE-LO: Because you are an Oscar-winner, a multiple Vogue cover girl, the wife of the Coldplay dude, the ex of Brad Pitt AND Ben Affleck, an Internet lifestyle impresario, an advocate of flavored Himalayan salts, a macrobiotic something-something, the love interest in the Iron Man movies, and a mother.

GOOP: Blah. It’s just all so boring. I want to be known for something bigger, Cee-Lo. I want to be known as The Girl Who Went On Glee And Sang That Cee-Lo Green Song.

CEE-LO: I can help you with that. Now you’ll be The Girl Who Went OnĀ Glee And Sang That Cee-Lo Green Song And Then Sang it With Him On The Grammys While He Was Dressed As A Cross Between Elton John, A College Football Mascot, and The Mardi Gras Parade.

GOOP: Wait. I can do better than that.

CEE-LO: Well, yeah, but…

GOOP: I CAN DO IT ALL IN THIS:

Gwyneth Paltrow

CEE-LO: It’s… a… catsuit… thing?

GOOP: WITH FEATHER EARRINGS!

CEE-LO: Okay.

GOOP: MY LEGACY IS ASSURED! AT LONG LAST!

CEE-LO: Congratulations. It’s been a long five minutes that you’ve waited for this moment.

GOOP: I’m just glad that I could share it with you, and with some really breathable cotton spandex. You know, I should do a whole newsletter on how to wear these without the damaging psychic pain of camel toe.

CEE-LO: Now THAT will ensure your legacy.

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