Grammy Awards J.Lo Carpet: J.Lo


JENNIFER: Psst. Lovers. Watch my eyes. I will blink you a message. And if you can’t understand it, it will say, “I AM TRAPPED.”

MARC: Oh, Jenny. So funny. And wasn’t our presenting bit hilarious? Where I sang and you pretended not to like it?

JENNIFER: PRETENDED HAHAHAHHAHHA.

MARC: We are like Sonny and Cher.

JENNIFER: More like Bony and GLARE. HAHAHHAAAAAA.

MARC: I feel so much love. I am bursting with it.

JENNIFER: You are bursting with embalming fluid. Ay, lovers, why don’t they let me write the copy at the Grammys? It would be such glory, amigos! Instead I am stuck here with a pickled dead man half my width.

MARC: Show them your dress, flesh pet.

JENNIFER: Shuttttup, Marc, you know I do not want my lovers to hear about your nicknames for me.

MARC: You need to let them see the legs you sold to Gillette.

JENNIFER: Ay, lovers, that’s right, have you seen my latest sure-to-be-award-winning venture? My Venus razor ad? Can you win Oscars for that? I should win an Oscar just for having these:

Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony

JENNIFER: Lookit! They are perfection! Also, if you pose with your mouth hanging open, it gives you cheekbones! Learn from me, lovers. I am the best teacher you will ever have.

MARC: I’d do your homework.

JENNIFER: Ew. Ay, lovers, though, here is a tip: When you are wearing a blouse as a dress, always carry a purse! You can use it as a crotch blocker!

MARC: You are so sexy, love, I cannot stand it.

JENNIFER: DO YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID, LOVERS? A CROTCH BLOCKER. IT IS IMPORTANT.

MARC: Should we kiss?

JENNIFER: LOVERS. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

react:
Leave a reply

Comments (48):

  1. Stefanie
    0

    She looks fantastic. This should be a well-played!

  2. Willow
    0

    I really like this, it is the Grammys so this is appropriate, personally I think it would look better with an extra inch (that’s what she said) but it’s J-Lo so yeah, this is rather fabulous.

  3. yvetterene
    0

    Jennifer looks amazing! Her and Marc always look so mismatched to me. But apparently it works for them.

  4. Best of Beehive
    0

    They look so happy…

  5. Rayna
    0

    OK, we get it, it IS fab, legs, legs, legs, legs, etc., and I’m a kinda fair weather fan of Jenny, BUT, srsly, how do you sit down in that thing? I mean, right? Did she carry a towel to put on the chair, or what.

    Just sayin’.

  6. Rayna
    0

    Apparently, she didn’t, but–

  7. Paige
    0

    Seriously, Vampire!Marc is my favorite.

  8. Sara
    0

    Oh good lord, lady, put it away!!

  9. Bella
    0

    Seems a bit desperate. A few more inches in length would have made it very well played.

  10. shebrihart
    0

    I mean, her legs ARE fab, but that doesn’t mean I want to see that much of them! An inch or two more on the bottom and this would’ve been fab. Other than that, and her awful facial expressions, I heart this.

  11. Chasmosaur
    0

    I’m with Bella. A few more inches and it would have been smokin’. This goes beyond “mutton”, because even young women shouldn’t wear dresses this short. This is an excellently bedazzled OB/GYN examination shirt.

  12. Ms. Pants
    0

    Look. Into. Pants.

  13. Lynne
    0

    I liked this too. Anywhere else and I’d be all, “cover up, lady!” but this is the Grammys and it’s supposed to be all sex, all spectacle. Girl’s got killer legs, too. She looks amazing.

  14. Fuh Ugh
    0

    Bwa ha hah! Flesh pet! Hilarious.

  15. Anne B
    0

    I think I might be a bit too attached to the ongoing saga of Bony and Glare (!).

    All over the Web, people are all, “Is ‘Idol’ making Jennifer Lopez more likable?”, while ‘HOLA LOVERS!’ trends permanently here. Accident? I doubt it.

    I can’t believe I get to read this stuff for free. You ladies are awesome. <3

  16. Cat
    0

    She looks amazing, but seriously, would two (just two!!) more inches have killed her? The legs are fab fab fab fab but even just looking at the picture makes me feel uncomfortable. Crotch blocker, indeed.

  17. sarrible
    0

    I hope that someday if I am very, very good there will be a video on the interwebs of Jennifer Lopez reading these posts aloud.

  18. Kat
    0

    yikes, I agree with several people above who said a couple more inches on the bottom there… I would be petrified wearing that thing, the slightest wrong move or errant breeze and “bam” the entire western world has seen your ladyparts.

  19. nmlhats
    0

    Venus razor or not, J. Lo should not wear a dress so short it exposes the cellulite on the back of her upper thighs when she sits. Am I the only one who sees this?

  20. Krista
    0

    She looks great. The dress does need a tiny bit more length, but those shoes are wonderful!

  21. atz
    0

    She looks great. I’d prefer a couple more inches but she is J-Lo so this is not unexpected.

    Also, I think Marc is kinda cute. They look happy together so I hope it works out.

  22. Leah
    0

    I’m concerned about her extensions. Her hair is so wide it isn’t even touching the sides of her face. Also, I think she used the crotch blocker toward a different camera. I’m still seeing plenty of crotch.

  23. yeahandalso
    0

    I think she rocked it out! Also imagine being her and having to get dressed for the Grammy’s knowing literally nothing you can wear will top what you’ve worn in the past.

  24. Lindy
    0

    The legs are great, but after a certain age you just look like you are desperately clinging to lost youth when you wear something that short. (Actually, no one should wear a dress that short. So unsanitary.)

  25. sugarleg
    0

    the hair extensions were longer than the dress.

  26. TonyG
    0

    I love this post. Both the dress and the dialogue. I actually like Jennifer Lopez, but the satire here is just so well done. I just had to write a not of appreciate, at least once, about the J. Lo dialogues, because most times I am so taken away with laughter I forget to take time to appreciate, with a comment, what I have read in writing.

    Basically, Fug girls, you make me happy when you go J. Lo!

  27. TonyG
    0

    oops! Let’s try that again: NOT OF APPRECIATE = NOTE OF APPRECIATION.

    lol.

    Obviously, I was laughing while typing and my fingers didn’t do quite what my brain intended.

  28. Cranky Old Batt
    0

    You know how fug rhymes with pug? Well pug face is what Mr. Jennifer Lopez is giving in that picture.

    No offense to pugs…

  29. jerkygirl
    0

    1) Marc A. looks hawt with sunglasses on. I used to looooooooooove him back in the “I Need to Know” days. So gorgeous he was!!! I know he looks pretty rickety now but oh honey.

    2) I love love LOVE the dress!!! but I am in the camp with those who wish for an extra inch or 3. Now, if she were wearing disco ball dancing briefs to match the dress I’d be perfectly happy with the length, but since we (thankfully) don’t know what she’s sporting under there (except that she is definitely not wearing boxer shorts), I’m afraid it’s just a little too short.

  30. Alaurable
    0

    I recently re-read the infamous Movieline interview http://www.movieline.com/1998/02/the-wow-jennifer-lopez.php
    God it’s hi-fricken-larious, the Wow-girl, oh so young and honest…

  31. Allison
    0

    I don’t think you ladies have written something so funny since the Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly one about her ribs!

  32. sem
    0

    The dress is cute but definitely 2-3 inches short for a woman her age and with her body type. Something not mentioned much that struck me was how bad her extensions look, now those are about 6 inches too long! She just got her proportions wrong this tim around…she needs more dress and less hair!

  33. vandalfan
    0

    Marc could use a sandwich. JLo could use a few inches more on the hem. I’m not sure if her shoes fit, and if that much leg wasn’t bad enough, she’s hanging out on top, too. Even for the Grammies, no me gusto.

  34. Craig Turner
    0

    Is it bad that I want Jennifer Lopez to stay famous just so I can continue to read the “HELLO LOVERS” commentary?

  35. Mongerel
    0

    Dang. His torso is as big around as one of her thighs.

  36. sally
    0

    I don’t care about the dress….I’m laughing so hard just from reading the dialogue! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~~~~~~
    Dear FugGirls: I LOVE it when you do J.Lo posts!!!!!!!

  37. drew
    0

    Am I the only one who noticed the Cruel Shoes? Seriously, they have actual spikes on them, and the heels are so high her toes are buckling just trying to stand up in them..

  38. essex
    0

    Could their faces in that first picture be telling a bit of the story of what it’s like to be married to Jennifer Lopez?

    Could her dress hem be a sly bid to suggest that once you’ve revealed “your smoove, sexy Venus leg” the Inner Goddess demands that you reveal your equally smoove, sexy Venus ITSELF?

  39. Rosanne
    0

    I’m a long, long-time reader and mostly lurker, but I just had to come out and give Heather a round of applause for this dialogue. It’s just as funny rereading it today as it was to read it for the first time yesterday.

  40. Matilda
    0

    It’s the Grammy Awards, she’s J-Lo and she’s a singer (and from the block) so no, I think her hemline is at the correct length.

    I LOVE J-lo posts. She brings out the best in you, Heather and Jessica!

  41. kimmy
    0

    i actually gasped when she climbed those stairs to present. the people sitting below her had to have been able to see right up that dress. an inch or so would have been perfectly acceptable and it would have still been a smokin hot dress.

  42. Soapstef
    0

    That overly-poofed hair is a no-no and she knows it! Otherwise, we wouldn’t be seeing that scary pissed face in the first shot that clearly says “No questions about the hair bitch”.

  43. Lisa
    0

    Why’s he wearing sunglasses indoors?

  44. exquisite red
    0

    HAHAHA I also love the J.Lo posts!

    (And I love her so much I don’t think I can fug her for this! On anyone else, other than her or Heidi Klum, fug city. But hey, it’s the Grammys, after all, anyway…)

  45. silly girl
    0

    Brilliant!!! I love these….”Instead I am stuck here with a pickled dead man half my width.” HA!

  46. Drella
    0

    I can’t believe I’m defending JLo, but I was at the Grammy’s(!) and the teleprompter was not on during her little bit with her husband and she was freaking out. She was looking to her man for help because she didn’t know what to do. Which is pretty sad since she is now hosting a LIVE show and still couldn’t figure out how to wing it. BTW, Jason Segel was also without one and was you’d never know!

  47. Mandy
    0

    Are you kidding me commenter? Cellulite?? Don’t be jealous, J. Lo looks phenomenal.

  48. lolo
    0

    “Instead I am stuck here with a pickled dead man half my width.” Hahahahahaha!

    The dress looks hot but I agree with earlier comments, it could definitely use about 3 inches and still look uber sexy.