Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Cameron Diaz

There are a few constants with awards shows: The band will try to play off the person who probably most deserves a moment in the sun (this year, Mickey Rourke), Ricky Gervais will go off-script any time he’s given stage time until they break down and let him host one of the telecasts, and Cameron Diaz will show up looking like she forgot she has a head.

Other than the color, which suits her, the dress actually doesn’t do much for me, either. I hate to break it to Karl Lagerfeld, since it’s Chanel couture, but: It seems pointlessly busy. None of the details actually do much for her body or for the dress itself; they just seem like they’re there because, well, it needed SOMETHING, and nobody had any better ideas. Her left boob appears shoved substantially lower than her right, yet paradoxically, the bodice is actively squeezing it up into her armpit. And the horizontal fold that ties into the rosette just looks like an unfortunate crease.

What really gets me, though, is that her hair is ALWAYS a total mess, and here it’s no exception. Despite the cursory lip gloss, Cameron basically still looks like she’s been out all night and just touched up the makeup she already had left over from her rollicking bender. And honey, if you can’t be bothered with your roots, try hiding it with an updo. Or a ginormous, freaky hat. At least that would make us laugh and clap with camp-infused glee.

In fact, this was actually one of my very favorite shots of the entire telecast:

It’s like, the two polar disheveled opposites — one of them with hair that looks like she arrived on the wing of the plane, and the other with a ‘do that looks like it hasn’t been done in a month. And I love the way Cameron is eying Drew, like, “Bitch is totally stealing my thunder. I thought MY job was to be the person who made people wonder if I had sex in the limo on the way over.”