“Psst. Man boy. Face front.”

“I did not dress like a naked lady in the snow for you to sit there looking all pinchy. Behave or you cannot have el coche tomorrow to go buy high-tops at the mall with your friends and I will not give you money for the Sbarro. SI, YOU HEARD YO.

“Ahem. HOLA LOVERS.

“We are here at the Golden Globes to promote my new movie, which is called, I don’t even know, Suck It Aerowitch, I Make Movies And You Make Weird Faces. But we are also here at the Golden Globes because La Lopez does not miss a chance to make her ex-novios cry into their free dinner rolls. First Puck Daddy or whatever shows up, and then Ben Whofleck directed the movie about Arco gas stations just so he can be invited to the same party as yo. Is Cris Judd coming? Wait, is Meat Boy here secretly Cris Judd? Lovers, shh, but no recuerdo what Cris Judd looks like. Psst, also, after I pretend to arrest Diddycombs by the bar, we are going to walk up to Snackfleck and say the word “Oscar” over and over again until he throws himself at my feet and tells me that Jennifer Blahner is like a nap on legs and that he misses the Lopez Coaster and wants a ticket to Wonderland. And then I will laugh and laugh and step on his beard and say, “You had your chance with my block, Baffleck,” and then when I leave he will find my phone number in his mustache and we will make a canoe out of Snoozifer and then shout, “ARGO ROW YOURSELF,” and then prank call Matthew Damon. Or, I will punch him on my way to el baño and spit in his back hair. Decisions, lovers.”

[Photos: Getty]